anxiety filled day

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Today's terrible. I slept terribly, too. I woke up with an enormous amount of physical anxiety - internal shakes mostly, some vertigo, and some fogginess. I hate that feeling more than almost anything else on the planet. On top of it, my lovey left again today for a work trip. She'll be back Thursday. This is after an entire evening anxiety-filled high blood pressure moments.

I hate my anxiety - people give me all these "oh it'll get better" pats on the back mixed with "you're probably stressed"... it's not like that, and it doesn't help. I have free form anxiety. That means that my symptoms are always physical - seriously physical - and always random (meaning that its not necessarily 'caused' by anything). Either I have the symptoms of a stroke/heart attack, or I shake for two-three days straight and can't function. Right now I'm in between the two.

No, I'm not on meds for this. I hate medication. I have ways to cope with it. The problem is that I'm a bit codependent on my partner for some of these coping strategies (i.e. massages, certain types of exercise, various forms of distraction), and she'll be gone 'til Thursday. This only reinforces the anxiety. I'll walk the dogs tonight when I get home, which will help... but that's hours from now and I still have to function the rest of he day.

The shakes went away for a few hours today while I was teaching, and now I feel like there's pressure in my ears and my face is flushed - almost flu-like symptoms, without the sick feeling. I think it's related to blood pressure....(well, I know it is).. but again, there's nothing I can do about it. Exercise helps, but not enough to make more than a tiny noticeable difference.

I'm about to walk into a pretty physically-demanding rehearsal for three hours.. I hope it will decrease the symptoms I'm feeling right now.

I had to go to the library to pick up scantrons, I stopped at Starbucks and grabbed a grande (16 oz) banana/chocolate shake w/ whey protein powder. Potassium offsets the effects of salt on blood pressure... so I'm hoping the banana in the protein does the trick. I've got a TON of work to do today.
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