You ever wonder why?
Friday, October 01, 2010
You ever wonder why some of us want to desperately loose weight, but we don't? I'm reading the old blog I wrote before this one on May 20, 2009!!!
What?? May 20, 2009? We are way past the 2010 May. Where has my time gone? Although I've lost a bit of weight, I think every day will be the day I finally go full force. But I don't.
This past week, my sister lost her husband and he was over weight. I remember thinking as I was looking at him, that will be me if I don't take care of myself. My weight plagues my mind all the time, but maybe, I'm just not in the right place in my life to loose it yet.
What makes it so hard to do the things that make us feel good? I've worked years on myself emotionally to get to the peaceful point in my head about who I am; who I did not become; what I didn't accomplish and what I wished I could do but can't due to arthritis and Fibro.
So why do I insist on still eating crap? My whole life has changed (once again) this year. I went to school to get certified in Microsoft Word and Excel. I found my husband was stealing money and addicted to well..you know, stuff on the internet plus going outside the marriage.
Oh, that's not new to me, it happened in my last marriage. But this time, I served this husband divorce papers before it tore me apart....too much. So now, at age 53, disabled, very little money coming in, I live with some friends right now in a state I know nothing about.
In other words, I am not on my own, I have to try and go back to work (wouldn't mind a bigger paycheck than disability), and I need to start cooking for myself again, and I'm just very sad lately, and conflicted in my heart, but I think I may have figured that part out this past week.
When I went home for the funeral last week, I drove through a part of Ohio that I lived in as a child from 1st through 6th grade. I loved this part of my life. Although some horrible things were happening to me, I could separate that and enjoy the rest of it. I rode my purple, metallic, banana seat stingray all over that little town of Arlington, Ohio. Day after day I was outside exploring, usually with a bunch of the same friends. I was so adventureous and carefree (unless the bad stuff showed up). But I made lifelong friends there and I was angry when we had to move.
I threw up a wall around myself and tried to get on with life. But it's been a struggle ever since. I started to realize this week that Arlington was the only town in America I felt a connection to. That to drive it's streets made me feel comfortable and in the right place. I spent part of the week with an old friend there and saw other old friends who greeted me as I had never left.
My Dad was superintendent there and people to this day still speak highly of him which makes me feel loved.
So it has occurred to me that I now realize at this age, with no kids in the house and no job yet, that I should go back HOME. That's what I'm missing. I'm missing a real Home. Where I know people, when other people talk of who did what to whom in town...I actually know who they are talking about. Where I can walk the sidewalks and feel the pavement I rode over so many times in my childhood. I need that physical and emotional connection to people who also know me.
They say you can't go back, it's never the same. Well, I'm not so sure about that. It feels the same and although many of us are older now or have even passed on, it feels like that comfy chair to me that you curl up in to exhale.
Perhaps finally settling down is in the cards for me now. Maybe after all the turmoil (which some I help create) in my life....
it's time for me to Exhale and go Home.