I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Losing weight. Why does it seem so hard? Gaining weight on the other hand? It's a piece of cake, or two.
I've been heavy, not really fat, my whole life. I always thought I was fat, but looking back at pictures I wish I could travel back in time and tell that little girl that she looks fine and she's capable of so much and worth so much more then a number on a scale. My weight has always been a hinderance and mentally and emotionally kept me from doing things I wanted because I thought I was too fat.
I was never much of a dieter. When I met my husband I weighed about 150 pounds (and thought I was so fat). When we got married six months later I weighed 160 pounds. Five months later we got pregnant and I was 175 pounds. My husband is not a little guy and I was trying to keep up with his eating. I quickly dropped the weight after my daughter was born and got back to 175. At that point I contemplated dieting, but never really took it seriously. Then when my daughter was a year old a major life change happened. There was major turmoil in our lives and immediately I began packing on the pounds. I joined Weight Watchers at about 199 pounds. That lasted a little while. When I went back to Weight Watchers again I was 206 and my daughter was 2 years old . I will never forget, this was the last summer I ever wore shorts. That was eight years ago. Steadily my weight has creeped higher and higher with every passing year. I've attempted diets only to give up after a short period of time and the weight I've lost comes back and then some.
Now, here I sit, 245 pounds. How did I let this happen?
I can't change the past, but I can create the future I want for myself. Sadly at this point it will take lots of extra work at this point to get myself where I want to be.
I'm reminded of the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley. I love the last two lines and repeat it to myself often. "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
I need to remember that when life overwhelms me will reaching for that food really get me where I want to go? Will it really make me feel better?