time standing still

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Here it is September, I am still unemployed, but I am doing good in school. I am proud of myself. I am getting A's and so far one B. Considering that in February I stopped taking my meds, I am doing ok.
I have my moments just before my cycle that I cry uncontrollably and get so angry with myself for being in the position I am in. I mean here I am at 50 going back to school to change the way I am living. I am changing everything. I have been in restaurants since I was 16 and I don't know any other way of living. But Because of what my sister said to me I am changing my life.
She made me feel like I was a looser for being myself. how shallow she is. Just because I do not make a 6 figure income she thinks it's wrong the way I live. So what I am like the one in six Americans who live below poverty, I have a roof over my head (for now) but I am trying.
Maybe I am not trying hard enough, maybe I should have done this years ago. But the point is I am doing it now. I haven't told her, in fact I refuse to talk to her. I have made it a point not to talk to people like her my whole life. I now tell people who ask that I am an only child. why make myself be open to questions that I don't want to answer. Talking to her only reminds me of how much my mother disliked me and disrespected me. Had no real clue about me, even though I did try to talk to her about it. Little did I ( my no trusting self) realize that she would twist things around to make up what she wanted to my sisters.
It doesn't matter, I am proud of who I am most of the time. Even though I will never hear my mother tell me that she is proud of me. Sometimes it doesn't matter. And when I am finished with school, I will throw myself a party, a big party. Because I will be better off in the long run.
Today I feel better about myself, will I tomorrow? maybe. we will see.
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  • BEEBEE75
    Remember----"Today is all we have, yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet". So don't beat yourself up. You are doing great, going back to school is an accomplishment. Take it one day at a time, enjoy each day the best you can. You are not the problem, looks to me like family members who have been so unkind are the ones with the problem.

    I'm really in to sayings, such as "When things go wrong don't go wrong with them.".

    And I really loved this one, Helen Keller said, "I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."

    So you also are one and you are doing the something that you can do. Go for it, wish you the best, and wish you a happy today.

    Betty emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3861 days ago
    Hang in there!! You are doing this for you not your sister or your mom or anyone else. I went back to school in my late thirties and grad at 40 and now thinking about going back when I retire in a few years. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3861 days ago
    I have an older sister as well that I don't speak with. Long, ugly family history, and I've found that I'm far safer, more peaceful, and in a better place just not being around that kind of toxicity. You are not back in school because of your are back in school to do something good for YOU! She shouldn't get the credit for that, nor the power to bring you down emotionally. You are doing your best and finding what works and what doesn't in your life. That is something to be very proud of! Congratulations on getting such terrific grades too! You earned them, and you are proving to yourself that you can do this! How awesome is that!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3862 days ago
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