Actions speak louder than words.

Friday, September 17, 2010

So I thought about this blog in my head on my run this morning (haha it helps pass the time to think about something with a focus). Anyways, I was feeling pretty proud of myself because it is RAINING in Boston- boohoo- but I reminded myself that I said rain or shine that I would be out this morning. Yeah me! One of the reasons that I was out was because I wanted to take some time to re3flect about my thoughts and behavior last night. Here is goes…

I woke up early and got in a great workout (3 mile run and about 20-25min weights). I went to work all day- and by the time 5pm came around, I was exhausted. I walked the mile home (practically crawled), and inhaled my dinner. Then I remembered that I had to go to a work meeting at 7pm, ugh! When I say I remembered, I mean that I knew all along and prepared myself/my meals for it, but I still didn’t want to go.

So I sat on the couch- killing time until I could leave- and I was hungry and angry. I don’t even want to admit what went through my mind, but here is a peak… “what’s in the cupboard? Oh I could have goldfish, ohh or pretzels. Okay back away. Well, if you run ten miles tomorrow, you could eat it- you could eat it ALL. Wait, what’s in the fridge? Oh hey blush wine and cheese and left over cinnabuns- ugh stop that. omg, I have ice cream in the freezer- ugh stop! Okay, you can have the rest of the rice cakes. Happy? Not really.”

So I ate the last 7 rice cakes like a glutton- satisfied that I got something, but very unsatisfied with my behavior. I dragged my a** to the meeting (at least I wasn’t hungry). I got home and really thought about my actions… “why did I do that to myself? Why did I want to destroy all my hard work? Why did I think that chocolate ice cream would make me happy?” It was scary to really evaluate my sabotaging thoughts- especially since I am trying SO hard to be healthy and love myself (I suppose the hate is still there, but I’m working on it).

I ate because I was tired, frustrated, resentful.
I ate because I wanted to feel something else.
I ate because that is how I have been handling my emotions for too long.
I ate because I was incapable of facing a sucky situation head on.

THESE ARE NOT VALID REASONS! The sick little voice in my head that says “what can I eat? Why not? What about just this- okay the whole thing?” is a big pain in my BUTT (and giving me too much butt).

I have been managing to keep her quiet/ignore her, but every so often a new challenge presents itself, and I don’t rise above- I succumb to my dangerously destructive patterns. BUT I AM CHANGING! Being tired and bored threatened to derail me at work around 11am, but I fought them tooth and nail (I actually held the Luna bar in my hand and said “what if you put it back? ___ (the boy I like’s name) might show some interest if I put it back.”). So I put it back… I’ll let you know if the boy ends up showing intrest in the near future (and yes I know that is not a good reason, but it’s not my only one, and I am a single gal so I can do what I want, ahaha).

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