CMONEY23

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I won’t let food/drugs control me!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

This is just me sharing my feelings- I am bored at work and wanted to express myself while I had some free time. I am much better with writing things than talking (actually I am best when I am thinking /creating via stream of consciousness, which conveniently is always when I am not able to write things down, dang)…

So every morning (okay fine, more like 4 mornings a week), when I am running, I think about more things than I can count. In particular, I have been thinking about what I am doing out at 6:30am, pounding the pavement? I am trying to evolve my understanding of weight, exercise and eating into something more fulfilling (because I am sick of filling my stomach and not finding happiness at the bottom of the bag).

I am on my way to eliminating the “bad” food from my life. I truly believe that there are some bad foods, just like there are some bad people. I know that a whopper with fries won’t kill me, but I also know that it won’t fuel my body the way other foods will (I want food to work for me, not the other way around!). At first, I felt like I was in mourning- it was a weird feeling. I felt like ice cream and candy corn had died- and it forced me to really think about my relationship to food- what it meant to me? What it did for me? The answer: it hurt me. It made me think about why people eat these foods, and why they should seek other forms of fulfillment.

I’m not perfect, but I can try to treat myself as best I can. I have to stop “doing sugar/fat/empty carbs” like a drug addict and swear them off for good. The fact that I cannot eat them (“them” being things like high fructose corn syrup, processed foods, etc.)- now or even after I lose the weight that I want to lose- made me so sad. I was embarrassed that I had allowed unhealthy food to become such a cherished part of my life (like a friend that I could never see again?!?! WTF?!?!)…

Regardless of that messed up relationship, I continued to think about it, and I forced myself to think about certain foods like drugs. Then, I thought about other drugs that I will never have: I’ll never do heroin, but I’m not upset about that, and I’ll never do meth, which actually makes me happy! After I made this connection, I realized that I won’t let a drug control me, but I was allowing food to control me- how f’ed up?!?!

So that’s where I am at- despite my “epiphany,” I have been plagued by thoughts of one final indulgence- a "goodbye kiss" if you will, but I am determined to fight the urge and to focus on what my body really needs! It has been a tough couple of days since I told cheese-its, jellybeans and chocolate chip ice cream that “it’s over,” but I hope to resist them (and their oh so un-sexy ways)!!
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