Procrastination Cycle and Other Walls
Monday, September 13, 2010
For me, procrastination is part of my shame cycle.
I forget or put off doing something.
I become conscious of my inaction.
I feel shame and 'less than' I 'should' be.
I want to hide. I am stuck on my stationary bicycle of life.
I feel frustrated, then angry at myself and the world.
At this point I have at least two choices:
Flight: Remain paralyzed or die inside
Fight: Move through the anger and frustration, making changes so I feel stronger, healthier inside.
Too often fear has won out in my life.
I make excuses, lie to myself and sometimes others.
I wallow in self pity - poor me - I am the victim of fear and overwhelm.
I am helpless.
I am inadequate at best.
I don't deserve to feel good about myself.
I look to others to enable me to feel better.
I con them into telling me I'm a good person and 'it' will get better. Most do.
I live in fear of people finding out who I feel I am.
I feel empty inside.
I go back to flight.
Some days I have hope.
I get in touch with my belief God has a plan for me and I have to do my part.
What is this 'doing my part'???
It sure isn't this pity party I indulge in.
It isn't the muck and mire of feeling inadequate and full of shame.
It isn't depending on the opinion of others to give me the echo of strength.
So what is it?
It is acknowledging my feelings and using my mind to move past them and into healthy action.
It is creating daily habits which, despite my initial discomfort, will make my life better.
It is creating confidence from within myself.
It is not falling into the trap of feeling I have to be perfect if I attempt anything.
It is delighting in world around me and being grateful for that ability.
It is sharing my story by being a living example of what I believe.
And it is in giving back and paying it forward.
I want the courage to start and then to follow through.
Oh, if I stay aware, I DO have the courage!