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Letting Go

Sunday, September 12, 2010

This is not a blog about weight loss. It's not a blog about exercise or motivation or any of the normal things I expect to find on SparkPeople.

I just got back from Colorado after hearing that my biological dad had a heartattack. We think he had the heart attack in his apartment and collapsed but no one found him for three days. So on top of the heart attack other issues came into play because of the lack of blood to areas of the body. We also found out that over the years they think he had some mini seizures and strokes which may have contributed to some issues that caused him to be aloof from us.

I was not close with my dad. I am very blessed to have a step-dad who I love dearly. There have been things in the past that I hung on to with my biological dad. I remember the divorce, what all happened, etc. And even though I kept in touch with my dad, he was not my idea of what a dad should be, and I did have resentment toward him.

But today, with my brother and sister, we had to make a decision of what to do. Do we keep him alive but take away his dignity, his independence and let him depend on others to do everything for him? Is that something I would want myself if the same happened to me? Luckily after doing some digging we found his will and he had made out a Living Will also. The decision was made for us.

Sitting by his bed before coming home today, I was telling him, and I don't know if he understood and my thoughts are he did not, but that it was ok to let go if he needed to go. And for the first time I cried because I realized I needed to let go of the resentment and the anger I had felt for so long. The resentment of him not being the kind of dad I wanted him to be. He gave me life and maybe he wasn't the kind of dad I wanted but God took care of that with my step-dad. And I realized that maybe, just maybe, based on some information we found out yesterday, that quite possibly my biological dad did the best he could.

I know I have other things I need to let go of and some of them do transition into my weight loss journey. I need to let go of my love of sweet tea, I need to let go of my fear of going to the doctor, of my fear of not being accepted in society and not living my life the way I need to live it.

Today I let go of some of my demons. And tonight I am a better woman for doing so.

On a side note - I know this blog is not my normal type of blog but I needed to write this for me tonight. I hope you all understand. I will be back to being the bouncey goofball that I normally am. And to those of you that sent me hugs and thoughts and prayers - thank you so much!!!! This is why I love SparkPeople - not only do I have support for my getting healthy - I have support for other aspects of my life!

Thank you!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DONALOU42
    Hi Deb,
    I've had this same conversation with my daughter. Your dad may not have loved you the way you needed, but he loved you the best way he could. If your past had been different, you would be different now, and you are awesome and wonderful just as you are! emoticon
    3367 days ago
  • GINETTEK
    Debbie no matter how you look at it, this kind of decision is always hard. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I'm glad you learned something and could let go of somethings. Good luck.
    3406 days ago
  • ZELLAZM
    Debbie, I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I know that writing things down can be so good for us as we work through our grief and the letting-go process. Consider yourself hugged...

    Blessings
    Miche
    lle
    3419 days ago
  • TIGGERIFFIC123
    Deb,

    ((HUGS))

    Okay now that you have been virtually hugged you need to know that you are awesome!! A difficult time met with courage, grace and acceptance. You are remarkable. I am so very glad that you found the living will which took the decisions out of your hands. You honoured him by following his wishes and letting go of years with or pain and would have's, could have's and should have's....you have emerged that beautiful butterfly ready to spread her wings and continue her journey with new information and a new healthier attitude.

    Thoughts and Prayers are with you,
    Rhonda
    3419 days ago
  • CATHYHASGOTTHIS
    Thinking of you especially today Debbie...you are such a strong woman, and I'm so proud of you for finding a positive within such a sad situation. {{hugs}}
    3419 days ago
  • APRILLSCOTT
    Oh Debbie, I am so sad for you, but I am so glad for you also! I do think you have come a long, long way over night you have fought those giants that have been keeping you down. I am so thankful that God gave you such a wonderful step dad. God has been there all along for you and I am so glad that he has brought you so far. This was a very big step in your life and you have handled it so well. It may not deal with weightloss as we usually think about it! But, anything that has the tie to it this does affects us weightloss and everything we are and do.

    You have done your part and what God expects. You have forgave and I know God will reward you for this. You have fought your giants your demons and won! The victory I am sure will only make you a better woman and give you a better edge on life!

    To the future! There is no holding you back!
    3419 days ago
  • GOHUSKERS2
    Oh Deb....it was almost like reading about my life. So with all my heart I understand the pain and agony this weekend brought you. Just know that God loves you and in his own way your Dad did too. The best part of healing over this is to forgive him, and to feel free to cry. You're going to be just fine. I don't mean to sound preachy, but our Dads were very much alike from the way it sounds.
    3420 days ago
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