Sunday, September 12, 2010
This is not a blog about weight loss. It's not a blog about exercise or motivation or any of the normal things I expect to find on SparkPeople.
I just got back from Colorado after hearing that my biological dad had a heartattack. We think he had the heart attack in his apartment and collapsed but no one found him for three days. So on top of the heart attack other issues came into play because of the lack of blood to areas of the body. We also found out that over the years they think he had some mini seizures and strokes which may have contributed to some issues that caused him to be aloof from us.
I was not close with my dad. I am very blessed to have a step-dad who I love dearly. There have been things in the past that I hung on to with my biological dad. I remember the divorce, what all happened, etc. And even though I kept in touch with my dad, he was not my idea of what a dad should be, and I did have resentment toward him.
But today, with my brother and sister, we had to make a decision of what to do. Do we keep him alive but take away his dignity, his independence and let him depend on others to do everything for him? Is that something I would want myself if the same happened to me? Luckily after doing some digging we found his will and he had made out a Living Will also. The decision was made for us.
Sitting by his bed before coming home today, I was telling him, and I don't know if he understood and my thoughts are he did not, but that it was ok to let go if he needed to go. And for the first time I cried because I realized I needed to let go of the resentment and the anger I had felt for so long. The resentment of him not being the kind of dad I wanted him to be. He gave me life and maybe he wasn't the kind of dad I wanted but God took care of that with my step-dad. And I realized that maybe, just maybe, based on some information we found out yesterday, that quite possibly my biological dad did the best he could.
I know I have other things I need to let go of and some of them do transition into my weight loss journey. I need to let go of my love of sweet tea, I need to let go of my fear of going to the doctor, of my fear of not being accepted in society and not living my life the way I need to live it.
Today I let go of some of my demons. And tonight I am a better woman for doing so.
On a side note - I know this blog is not my normal type of blog but I needed to write this for me tonight. I hope you all understand. I will be back to being the bouncey goofball that I normally am. And to those of you that sent me hugs and thoughts and prayers - thank you so much!!!! This is why I love SparkPeople - not only do I have support for my getting healthy - I have support for other aspects of my life!