Back and a Little Battle Weary
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I'm a combination of frustrated and trying to cut myself some slack, as usual. The cards were stacked against me. It's been 3 days of no computer, no phone, no writing, no showering, hours of prayers and then sitting around at a table with people shoving food in my face. THEN, today is a fast day, AND the clocks were set back an hour last night, when I really didn't need it!
All things considered I did well, the first two days. Then yesterday I thought, oh, I don't need to bring my own whole wheat bread. I'll be fine. Well, even though it doesn't make sense, that, combined with the fact that my boyfriend didn't want to come along with me to eat at my former teacher's for lunch and I felt abandoned, made me want to binge in the afternoon. I couldn't shake it. I went for a long walk. I went over later and spoke with him and felt a bit better.
But I knew that today was a fast day. So I told myself that if I stocked up and binged then the fast would be easy because I wouldn't want to eat. That's sort of true, but this morning I feel fat and gross and frustrated.
All I wanted to do last night was to go for a run and then start off the new year on a healthy track. But knowing that I would be fasting today (and not drinking either) I didn't want to do that. Now is not the time to be lax on religious obligations, but I really just want to take a break and take care of myself!!!
I want an OA sponsor already who can help me. But I still can't find one.
I'm tired of thinking that I can figure this out on my own.
I'm tired of having food control my life.
I felt so great for the few days, both before and in the beginning of the holiday when I ate sensibly and ate whole foods. Well, at least I did hours of walking over the holiday. I'm afraid to weigh myself.