Thursday, September 09, 2010
I don't remember if I wrote in here how we've lost our insurance because we were on state insurance and they don't take out child support payments so we "make too much" to be on it. Well, I'm mentally something. The most recent "finding" is borderline personality disorder. From what I've read sounds about right and the meds were working fantastic! There are a lot of great programs out there to help people without insurance to pay for meds, not so many to help people see a doctor to get the prescription in the first place. So I was not on one of my meds for a few weeks. It was aparently the one that keeps me from going into rages. Good to know. I pretty much went back to how I was before I ever started taking meds (yelling/screaming all the time, always overwhelmed and not a nice person) and now that I'm back on my meds and my body is trying to even out I'm cranky and depressed. I'm absolutely devastated that I have such little control over my emotions and my reactions to those emotions. It's horrifying to me that if I can't figure out a way to be able to get my prescriptions that I'll go back to that evil person. It makes me feel like deep down I'm really just a bad person. That "that" is my normal state. I get that sometimes our bodies just aren't working properly and we need to take something to "fix" it, that doesn't comfort me any. So I'll keep working towards evening out again. Really need to keep an eye on my diet because that plays such an important role in how I feel. Hopefully I'll get back to where I was and can maintain that. Getting through today feels like it is going to be the hardest. The depression didn't really hit until today, which I guess means my medicine is bringing me down from the manic rage cycle I was in. I take something for depression as well so that should keep things from getting too bad.