Why I left. Why I'm back.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Why did I ever leave?
During a trip home in May 2009 I stared down at my Aunt's bathroom scale and read the numbers 138. Just three lbs. from my goal weight. I remember baggy jeans falling off me. Tank tops without fear of stomach or arm or back bulge. I remember bright skin and shining eyes. I remember sweating daily. I remember the feeling of an empty stomach. I remember 4 glasses of water before lunch. I remember compliments. I remember the way my husband looked at me. I remember cleaning out my closet and altering those dresses and skirts that I just couldn't part with. I remember energy. I remember feeling hopeful and humbled.
Looking back can come with skewed revisions and a fair share of glossing over, but I recall that the months previous to this were relatively good ones. I had been working hard. It had taken more than a year, but I had lost around 40 lbs. There were lots of stops and starts and long periods without change and there were gains and setbacks along the way, but I was making it - so it seemed then.
Now here I sit in late summer 2010 weighing 165.
Something started happening around this time last summer. I don't know what exactly, but I stopped exercising regularly and I started eating and eating and eating. I remember questioning my progress. I remember feeling not good enough. I remember depression. I remember doubt. I remember feeling tired all the time. I felt myself slipping and I remember thinking that I would catch myself before it got too bad. Sometime last winter I just gave up. I'm not sure how I've made it through the entire summer without making any real effort to get in shape. Denial and hiding can take you too far down the river.
We replaced our bathroom door in the spring and the only full length mirror in the house came down with it. I didn't put it back up. I threw away the scale. I sold my treadmill. I stopped tracking food and exercise (it's been 213 days since I've been on Spark). I stopped exercising. I don't recommend doing any of these things by the way ;)
The weight came back on quickly.
Yesterday I pulled that mirror out. I got another scale. I'm here blogging. It doesn't feel right to say that I'm beginning again. Focusing on the end or relishing a new beginning is probably not such a good strategy for me. It's all somewhere along the continuum. To say that the only good progress is toward the skinny end is to deny what there is to learn from the thick end. But I am sad today. Really sad. I don't want to be like this anymore and I'm not really sure how to truly change. I'm feeling my way around. Like a drunk I'm powerless over food and I eat for all the wrong reasons and I don't know when or how to stop. If I feel so good when I do the right things and so bad when I do the wrong things then why do I have such a drive to do the wrong things? What is it getting me?? It's enough to drive me mad and I'm not sure how deep I want to delve with this. At least half of me is parroting Nike and saying "Just Do It". Just start now and get this effing weight off and who cares why you gained it back... but I don't know. The way I just gave up on myself - it really bothers me. All that work just to let it all go and to have to begin again. If I don't try to understand it I think I'm doomed to keep repeating it. That is if I'm lucky enough to get the weight off again this time.