Turning Things Around
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
It's about time, right?
On Sunday night I went to my yoga class. It's soooo important for me to go, except for extenuating circumstances, like last week I had a wedding to go to. I had my yoga mat with me all day long - brought it to the office and to a networking meeting. And yes, I packed dinner and stayed away from the alcohol so that I would feel light and healthy going into class. At the very end of the class before rolling up into a seated posture, the instructor has us give ourselves a hug. I forget each time what that's like. I squeezed myself extra hard and extra long. I don't understand why I can't love myself more.
Well, this morning, during my prayers I really focused. I took several deep breaths and tried to clear out all of the anxiety plaguing me and tried to focus on all of the blessings in my life and my power to make things better, for myself and for others.
I went to the minimarket down the street to pick up something for the office, and I always check out the fresh bread loaves by the checkout counter - the smell just wafting through the air. I always stare at them. The lady in front of me was telling the cashier everything in her sack, including "one whole wheat roll. One of our volunteers is a little weird." Is that what I am? Weird?
I had to run errands last night by the open air market, and I thought I would treat myself to dinner out, which I really hardly ever do, for financial and health reasons. But I said I would do it tonight. Definitely not a treat. It was hard to find anything healthy, and all the sandwiches are white bread. So, I was walking all around, burning extra calories I'm sure, trying to find the best thing. I even went and bought my own whole wheat pita, but long story short, I was defeated. So you know what? I ate my sandwich and tried to leave of a lot of the bread, and everything was okay. No bingeing - just a little nervous snacking on some grapes before I went to sleep.
I feel like a madwoman sometimes, trying to find the things that fit my new plan to avoid sugar and white flour. Being so specific about cutting out these things is NOT easy. It's in everything! I feel like it makes social outings as uncomfortable as when I would eat before them and not feel hungry. It doesn't feel to me like it's completely restored me to sanity, as OA would have me believe. Those who are most successful in the meetings that I go to, plan and make several phone calls a day and weigh and measure all their food. I suppose that it's better than crazy overeating, but all that still sounds crazy to me.
I have been sleeping better and feeling better and even lost a little weight in the last 2-3 days since I took a no-holds-barred attitude toward eating clean. Nope, I haven't been perfect, but I've recommitted in a whole-hearted way and begun to exercise again.
The Jewish High Holidays are coming up, and Wednesday night through Saturday night will be a time of a LOT of sitting around and eating, with really no opportunity for exercise besides walking, so I'm going to bring my whole wheat rolls to meals and try to get some walking in. The most important thing will be to just focus on conversation and not on the food. The way things go with long prayer services, lunch isn't served until about 2 p.m., so I'm going to be really hungry, and it's hard to eat at synagogue. This definitely will be a challenge, I'm getting better at refocusing on what I am eating for, asking myself why am I eating, and this helps me realize when I am full.
I am accepting that I am seldom exercising so hard that I really need to eat a lot to stock up. I can get by on less and my body eventually adjusts.
I'm setting small goals for myself, like running 3x week (except for this week because of the holidays), and adding in one more session of yoga besides the Sunday class. No, it's not as much as I would like to do, but it's a pretty good restart. I know that once I recover my base, I will be able to build up from there.
Have a blessed day filled with new beginnings.