Who's driving this wagon anyway?
Sunday, September 05, 2010
To say the stress of, well, everything along with celebrating multiple birthdays last month and generally using every occasion as a reason to eat anything I wanted de-railed my weight loss efforts is a gross understatement. Two weeks ago I was six pounds heavier than my depressing recent heaviest weight! Talk about defeat. Did I let that be an excuse? No. I bitched a little bit and had a nice big kick in the ass conversation from my husband and am happy to say as of this morning I am back down 7.5 pounds after a week of mindful eating and mostly juicing it a few days. It's helping a lot that my normal day includes about three extra miles of walking than before. I also dropped my Tuesday/Thursday class so that I'll have breaks in between those non-stop school/work days. I do plenty of walking on campus so if I work out the other five days a week I should stay on top of things.
I started off my morning today with no sugar coffee, some fresh fruit and a tablespoon of peanut butter on whole wheat. It seems to be a good balance of carbs and protein for me though I think I'll start adding a boiled egg to that routine as well as some protein/fiber in my cup of joe just to maximize it all. I also bit the bullet this week and bought fitted yoga pants, fitness tank tops, four sports bras, good moisture wicking socks and got fitted for a brand spanking new pair of saucony running shoes. I may be fat but trying to workout or do yoga in clothes that are too loose, too big or ill fitting just sabotages my efforts. I'm wearing my new workout gear as we speak and sure, it's a little embarrassing. I hate my arms, I have a stomach roll covering up what should be my abs and my thighs and ass, though shapely, are HUGE. I see people of all shapes and sizes though work out in the exact same clothes at the gym where I work. Some are new mothers, some are old ladies, some are women, like me, who just put their own health last priority for a while and are working their way back into healthy routine. I've got to stop using my fat as an excuse to stay that way. I have muscles, I have some endurance and I know form from previous years of dance, cheering and sports. The thing I haven't had is balls. I've let my shame be my excuse. Guess what, some people are never going to like the way I look regardless of the number on the scale. Some people will find my scars, my birthmark, hell- even my red hair a huge disgusting turn off. Who cares?
When I think about the level of pain I was in before my surgery and even how my bones are still growing as we speak, I think about the nutrition I need to maximize my healing so that it never happens again. I also think of the work I must do to recondition those muscles and improve my core strength so that my spine is well supported for the long haul. Coincidentally eating for maximum nutrition and strength training along with cardio is my ticket to weight loss.
Counseling, the support of my good friends and husband and focusing on the long term rather than quick solutions at the bottom of a milkshake are what will get me through mentally. I've already done a lot of the heavy lifting on that end of the spectrum. Now I just have to get moving and pray that inertia carries me and pushes a little air under my wings. It also helps that program director and main instructor for our university fitness program just took over as the director of fitness at the recreational center where I work. Considering I see Carolyn almost every day I have no doubt she is going to keep me inspired and push me hard to achieve my goals both with my own personal health and my future career in the field of Health and Wellness Promotion.
I'm back on the wagon y'all and this time I'm taking the reins. I'll be eliminating baggage along the road. Be sure to wave if you see me but don't be offended if I don't hear you over the music in my ears and the thud of my heart. At least it lets me know I'm still alive.