Underneath it all
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Underneath all the beautiful words that I write, I want to say that there has been sadness. Sadness because life is a b...ch a lot of times. I dislike myself and other people. I'm judmental. I'm always hard on myself. As a female child born and raised in Africa, I was treated like I didn't matter by my family members because I will eventually get married and belong to another family; whereas my brothers were treated well because they are males and will continue bearing the family's name and all. My mom told me that she wanted to get rid of me- she did not want my pregnancy. As I grew older I dated the 'wrong' men, who didn't care about me but about what they could get from me and married one of them. It was a disasterous marriage. I had to run for my life. I am bitter and sad because of what had happened to me. I try very much to avoid sharing this particular situation but I will do that now- I was sexually molested as a little girl by a church member and a family friend. When I say this, people don't take it as a serious matter, and I feel like well it's not that serious, get over it and move on. It really is that serious and I need to heal from that and the other issues.
I also want to mention that my family member who thought I'd result to a noboby now look up to me for their needs.One time, my dad told me " this is a person we thought will not be anybody....." Well, today I'm thankful for the wonderful and supportive people I ALLOWED to come into my life (no strings attached, just pure love). They still stand by me today.
When I realized that something had to be done, I read some self help books, listened to helpful tapes, did meditations, prayed for the loving healing hands of God to touch me and heal me. I can't really tell how broken I am but I am a resentful person. I want to change. I want to start to love and trust people again and allow people to love me without thinking they want something from me and really heal from deep within. I want to forgive myself and the others.
Please put me in your prayers. Thank you very much.