Underneath it all

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Underneath all the beautiful words that I write, I want to say that there has been sadness. Sadness because life is a b...ch a lot of times. I dislike myself and other people. I'm judmental. I'm always hard on myself. As a female child born and raised in Africa, I was treated like I didn't matter by my family members because I will eventually get married and belong to another family; whereas my brothers were treated well because they are males and will continue bearing the family's name and all. My mom told me that she wanted to get rid of me- she did not want my pregnancy. As I grew older I dated the 'wrong' men, who didn't care about me but about what they could get from me and married one of them. It was a disasterous marriage. I had to run for my life. I am bitter and sad because of what had happened to me. I try very much to avoid sharing this particular situation but I will do that now- I was sexually molested as a little girl by a church member and a family friend. When I say this, people don't take it as a serious matter, and I feel like well it's not that serious, get over it and move on. It really is that serious and I need to heal from that and the other issues.

I also want to mention that my family member who thought I'd result to a noboby now look up to me for their needs.One time, my dad told me " this is a person we thought will not be anybody....." Well, today I'm thankful for the wonderful and supportive people I ALLOWED to come into my life (no strings attached, just pure love). They still stand by me today.

When I realized that something had to be done, I read some self help books, listened to helpful tapes, did meditations, prayed for the loving healing hands of God to touch me and heal me. I can't really tell how broken I am but I am a resentful person. I want to change. I want to start to love and trust people again and allow people to love me without thinking they want something from me and really heal from deep within. I want to forgive myself and the others.

Please put me in your prayers. Thank you very much.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sorry for the trials you have suffered! I dont begin to know your pain, but I believe that by talking about it and reaching out to others, you are making the first steps toward healing! I wish you joy and love and the best of luck on your journey! Take care of YOU!
    3975 days ago
    I am so glad that you are talking it out. It really helps the healing process. The worst thing you can do is isolate and ailienate yourself from people in general just be careful who you allow to have a front row seat in your life. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and you deserve all the Love, Joy, Peace that God has planned for you.

    Keep your head up and keep moving forward in your lifes goals.

    Peace and Love emoticon
    3979 days ago
    I have not had your struggles, but I am with you on the inability to love as God will have me love.

    I have built walls to protect me..but those walls have also imprisoned me. I know the importance of forgiving and have taken those steps in my head, but the heart is a different matter.

    Just a couple of days ago, I was listening to the radio when Lincoln Brewster's song, "The Power of His Name" came on, and the chorus became the prayer of my heart. I truly feel like God is calling me to Love.

    As I was considering this, my lack of the ability to love, He brought a friend to mind...a woman who when she walks into the room, she brings sunshine and acceptance with her...and I felt that He wants me to learn from her, make her attitude toward others my goal.

    So, perhaps there is someone in your circle that you can learn from? someone who can be your mentor?

    I have started a journal for this journey, as thoughts and prompts happen, I am going to write them down. Today, I am adding your name..and we can pray for each other.

    3980 days ago
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