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trying to wade through the self-hatred

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I've had a pretty rough last week. I feel like I've fallen off the health bandwagon, at least partially. I got all my cardio in last week but my eating was crap. I already took 2 days off cardio this week (not entirely my choice, but still) and I know I won't get cardio in for the remaining 5. And I've been really depressed.

You know how most people seem to undergo this great personality change as they lose weight? They become bright and sparkly and happy and glowy. Not me. I'm becoming a bigger bitch every single day. Not due to the weight loss, but because I don't know how to NOT be this embittered, resentful monster about all the crap situations of my life and the crap people that have remorselessly screwed me over.

Being this nasty, angry person all the time makes me feel even worse; after all the bs I've been through, now I have to be stuck with this miserable person all the time. But it just seems that the more I try to change--or at least keep myself in check--the worse it gets, until I reach the point where it's actually easier just to admit that I have no redeemable qualities, accept where I am, and wallow in my own self-hatred. And it's hard to focus on eating healthy or working out or losing weight when it's such a small part of the puzzle. Yeah, I'm losing weight, but I'm more despicable day by day.

Today went much better. I can't say why. I don't know why the depression and self-hatred came on so incredibly strong all of a sudden. I don't know how to keep them at bay. I don't know how to keep trying to change 27853 things I hate about myself every day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh my little Star,
    I've been feeling so sorry for myself that i didn't know you were hurting. I wish i had some magic words that would make everything fine but I don't. I can tell you this...

    2818 days ago
    I will ditto all the above. Take a moment and reflect on all you have accomplished.
    You really are a lovely young lady. You have come a long way. I will keep on praying for you.

    Don't isolate yourself from your spark family. We are here for ya!

    you can do this.!!!

    2819 days ago
    I had a really bad day last week. You have to treat yourself like a good friend. Tell yourself and give yourself the advice you would give others. If you were outside yourself and looking at yourself with other eyes, you would see yourself differently. I have to tell myself that all the time.

    I told myself (and am to do it everyday)to quit being negative and self defeating. I don't know why we beat up on ourselves so much. We are worthy and we deserve to be happy too.

    You are a great person, a great friend, smart, pretty, caring, adventurous, creative, etc. You are simply marvelous, darling (quote from Saturday Night live).

    I am going to taking my own advice and go write this down on a index card so I can look at it everyday because it applies to me too. (Did it, yeah for me)!
    2819 days ago
    I understand what you mean - the diet industry would like us to believe that happiness is only the next fad away, when if fact losing weight may not do anything good for your happiness or self-esteem. Losing weight doesn't solve all your problems.

    Have you ever thought that your unhealthy eating habits (binging, purging etc) were in a twisted way a form of trying to take care of yourself? As a former binger, I know that my overeating had to do with trying to cope with my emotions and make myself feel better. It's like trying to take care of yourself but in an unhealthy way.

    Anyway, I hope you start to feel better soon. You're not a despicable person at all - in fact you're a lovely wonderful person!

    2819 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. The only advice I can offer is this, and it may sound cliche, but it really does make all the difference. Instead of focusing on the "27853 things that you don't like about yourself", try thinking about and giving regular thanks for however many things you can find to LIKE about yourself. Even if at first you can only think of 1 or 2 small things, you can build from there.

    Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. If the world is not currently being kind to you, it's more important than ever to be kind to YOURSELF. As for the others who have done you wrong, do what you can to remove those toxic people from your life, or at least draw very clear boundaries and enforce them. Then LET IT GO. I know it's easier said than done, but it's not impossible. Remember that it's a process, not a destination...and that perfection does not exist.

    When all else fails, remind yourself that you have found a source of a lot of support here on Sparkpeople, so there's at least one thing you have to be grateful for. We are here for you!!! Another thing you can do that makes a big difference: Pay forward the support and encouragement you receive here (whether it's to people here on SP, or elsewhere in your world), and I guarantee doing so will start a ripple effect that will begin to make YOU feel better too!
    2819 days ago
    I have been in your shoes. On a day when you are feeling somewhat optimistic, write yourself a letter for the bad days. Focus on what is working. I taped it up in my bathroom mirror. On the bad days I wanted to rip it into a million pieces. But I didn't. I needed someone to say nice things about me, even if it was me saying it to myself.

    I hope that helps. Lean on your Spark peeps.

    2819 days ago
  • KJENKS85
    I agree 100% with ALIOUSGIRL. It's all about making small, positive changes one by one. Crawling out of the depression is just like losing weight. It's baby steps. And as lame as it sounds, having a positive outlook makes a world of difference! Really try and focus on the positive things. They are there, I PROMISE. You just have to dig to find them and celebrate them! And if you really feel at a loss, have you considered talking to someone? It could be a chemical imbalance, or you may benefit from some healthy venting and talk-therapy. You DO have the power to turn things around!!!
    2820 days ago
    Trying to change the 27853 things that you don't like about yourself would be impossible. If there's a habit you feel you need to break, start with that one thing. You also need to look more at the positive. Ok you didn't eat right for a week but look at what you did do despite that! You kept your cardio up! You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you. We all have our days. Hang in there emoticon
    2820 days ago
    I'm so sorry to read this! I don't know what you have been through but I certainly hope you are able to pull through it and learn to love yourself again. I wish I had something wonderful to say that would help but I'm afraid I'm at a loss. Just know that the comments you have made on my blog and my page have always brightened my day. All I can ask is that you try a little bit each day to love yourself and hopefully it will eventually come naturally. Take Care! emoticon
    2820 days ago
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