Back From a Break (Very Long)
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I needed to take a break from Spark People. First of all, my bingeing got out of control because I was tired and lonely. I finally admitted that to myself, and since going to 3 OA meetings, I am soundly on the path to recovery.
I feel like my old self. I am happier. I am eating more normally. I am exercising again.
I got very frustrated with seeing people complain about eating 1500 calories as SOOOO much, and not eating normal food that let's say one could enjoy with their family. I was feeling deprived because I thought I needed to eat clean 100% of the time in order to succeed, but I wanted to eat chocolate. So, I would give up, eat a ton, and say that I wouldn't do it tomorrow.
I got so out of touch with myself and what I wanted. And I was trying to be like others. Which is never healthy.
I also found all the tracking to be really time consuming!
For the last few days, I've been eating deliberate meals. Not in front of the computer or while doing anything else. When I did an honest inventory, I realized how often I was eating while distracted. I was in denial that I did that! I was distractedly eating hundreds, if not thousands, of calories.
I would be afraid to drinking a little bit of grape juice on Shabbat, because of the calories. But I would then later polish off a chocolate bar.
So instead, for the last few days, I've relaxed. I've eaten some things that I shouldn't, like white flour, but I did so deliberately. Not freaking out about it. Trying to eat it with some protein and just moving on.
I'm doing what I've read other people have done. You know, those "other people" who couldn't actually be like "me". I'm re-learning to eat. Real meals. Stopping a bit before I'm full. Trying my best to give up on that really full feeling. Certainly that disgustingly full feeling.
The hardest is big family meals, which I have at least once a week, when I visit a family and don't know how many courses are coming and when people serve me and get insulted when I don't finish it all. Well, they can chill out, 'cuz I notice the hostess not taking everything either! Other people's food issues don't need to become my food issues, because I've got enough, thankyouverymuch!
I've resisted the urge to binge many times. I've asked myself what I really want. I've reminded myself that I will just feel worse if I do so. It's been so difficult to get to this honesty.
I think that going to OA meetings, especially the 2 writing ones, really helped me get to that place.
So, for this week. I have planned out my meals, leaving room for the wedding on Monday night and wiggle room on Thursday. Because that is life. You cannot plan out it all.
I will do my utmost to stick to this plan and wait until mealtimes to eat. If I am still very hungry, I will do my utmost to stick to a sensible additional snack.
I have also identified that my lack of sleep is a major impediment to my success. Staying up late planning, tracking, reading articles, or doing other things so that I'll have more time to exercise or do other things, has probably actually been counterproductive. Things like Spark People can suck you in. We've additonally had record heat here, which has made me tired, but it can be difficult to sleep at night.
This coming week, I will recommit to shutting down the computer in advance of bedtime and going to sleep at a reasonable hour. I will not try to just keep doing more and remind myself that I need to rest, as well.
Thus far, go, go, go, has been the only way I've been able to prepare meals and keep up an active exercise schedule with sufficient strength and cardio. I'll need to find another way, because that did not work.
It's time to stop looking for diet and exercise as a way to perfect myself. I am never going to be perfect. But when I look at who my true role models are, it isn't the people that look the best on the outside, but the people who look the best on the inside.
So, while improving who I am on the inside and taking an honest inventory, I am recommitting to my health, giving it the type of diet and exercise that it needs. I am confident that the weight will come off if I do so, without doing anything extreme.
There are so many beautiful people here, inside and out, that I will keep coming back. The support here is a major source of encouragement to recommit to health in an honest way.