Even though I started my journey alone, I don’t have to end it alone...

It’s been over a year since I’ve posted or written a blog and so much has happened since then. When I posted my last blog I had lost a total of 23 pounds, and today I’m proud to say that I’ve lost 81! I’m out of the 200’s for good and I’m actually almost out of the 180’s now – which is a HUGE accomplishment! I can’t even remember a time when the scale said anything under 200. I started my journey in March 2009 in a size 20 but now…drum roll please! I fit into a 12! I haven’t been in a size 12 since I was a kid - and since middle school I’ve always been a solid 16, fluctuating up and down (when I was with my ex I ballooned up to a 20, yikes!). So, to be in a 12 now is nothing short of amazing to me. And another huge accomplishment is that I am now wearing medium tops! I don’t ever remember being able to wear a medium, the day I tried a medium on in Kohl’s, and realized it fit, I almost cried because I couldn’t believe it.

I can’t even describe how amazing it feels to have lost so much weight. I’ve struggled for so long with it that I let it affect everything about me. I had low self esteem, hardly any self confidence and deep down, I really hated myself. I never dated, I was really shy and reserved and hated to eat in front of people. I hated shopping for clothes and I could never, ever, fit into clothes from my friend’s closets. Through my journey, so far, I have learned so much about myself. I no longer have the self doubt I used to and I love myself for who I am right now. I’m not as shy or reserved and I’m not as funny about eating in front of others. I love shopping because I fit into normal clothes (plus the smaller sizes always seem to be on sale for next to nothing!) and even more I love the fact that I can borrow clothes from friends and they actually fit – I’ve never been able to do that, ever. I care more about myself and love dressing up and creating new looks (which is a lot easier now that I basically have a whole new wardrobe). When I started my journey my ex-boyfriend had just dumped me and I thought ‘who would want be with an ugly, over weight person like me’? Now I understand that my journey isn’t about pleasing others, or making changes to myself that will help me start a family down the road, it’s about me, and my happiness, and my ability to reach every goal I set for myself. My journey is about me.

I have started dating again – I can have a little fun right? And although I’ve only been out with a few guys since my ex, the experiences have made me realize how important my journey here on sparkpeople has been. While I was dating the first guy - J, I found it hard to stay in control of what I ate, as he ate out constantly – a lot like my ex. I was able to continue to lose weight but it was difficult being with someone who encouraged me to cheat and eat what I wanted, instead of what I needed. I have the self control to say no, but it’s still a major test when you’re saying no and someone else is saying ‘go for it’. J said he wanted to be more active but he was overweight himself and could barely keep up with me, I mean even walking at the park was tough for him. I tried not to focus on his weight and bad habits but with everything I’ve gone through and have learned over the past year, there was no way I was going to go backwards. When I realized he wasn’t ready to actually commit to making changes, I ended things. It was hard because he wasn’t a bad guy but in the end it was the right thing to do – for me. I’ve gone out a few times since J and each time it’s been different but a good stepping stone, especially since I’ve never really dated. Being overweight and having such low self esteem most of my life obviously contributed to my lack of dating/attention in middle school, high school and college.

When my ex broke up with me via email, and decided to list everything that was wrong with me, I felt like the whole world was going to collapse on me. It’s been about a year and a half since I read that email for the first time but I can honestly say, that I am actually grateful to my ex for doing what he did. I really believe that I needed that kick in the butt to push me to the point of no return. I thank God every day that he brought my ex into my life, even though, at the time it was the last thing I wanted to experience. That experience put me where I am today, 81 pounds forever gone, happy, healthy, and ready to experience things I’ve only dreamed of! I owe a lot of thanks to sparkpeople because it’s helped me achieve so many things that I never thought I could do and helped me experience so many things I never thought I would. I can walk up 24 flights of stairs non-stop and not feel like I’m going to pass out, this spring I started running and found out I really like it, I can walk over 14 miles in one day, I can do Pilates, I no longer get winded when I walk, my right knee doesn’t kill me when I walk up and down stairs, I can chase my dog Daylin outside and actually enjoy it, I love going to the park and being outside, I’m down to sizes I’ve never been my entire adult life, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror, I actually want to go to the beach and I don’t feel embarrassed about how I look in a bathing suit (I earned my new size 12 bathing suit!!), I can walk into a store and not feel embarrassed and ashamed about what size clothes I’m looking at, I can actually shop at the mall in trendy clothing stores and fit into the clothes, and I actually crave exercising.

Everything about my life now is different and it’s hard to remember how I was a year and half ago because I’ve changed so much. Last weekend I made the decision to join a gym. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but had myself convinced that I had to lose the weight on my own. I’ve been plateau-ing for the last few months and I’ve realized that I even though I started my journey alone, I don’t have to end it alone. I not only signed up for the gym, which includes all kinds of cardio machines, weight machines, a sauna, and tons of classes, but I’ve also decided to work with a personal trainer. My reason for deciding to work with a personal trainer is I’ve hit a major plateau that I’m struggling to break through. I workout so hard and watch what I eat but hardly see the results on and off the scale. I’ve lost 81 pounds on my own and have about 40 more to go, I need to do a lot of toning and I really struggle in that area. I meet with Ralph (my trainer) for the first time on Monday and I’m so excited and nervous. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m doing something just for me, something that’s going to help me, once and for close this chapter of my life, and start a new one.



-Cassie