I am Angry

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I have not felt anything near anger in a VEEEEEERY long time. But I am feeling angry. I am feeling angry, and frustrated, and resentful.

I am resentful that I was not shown a true path to God and taught a fake form of Judaism for all of my childhood. And now that a true path has been shown to me, I'm feeling too weak to move forward. I feel that I am disappointing God because I don't take the time to pray like I used to. I'm not as careful to follow the laws like I used to. By overeating I am abusing my body, being ungrateful for the gifts God has given me.

I am frustrated at work. I am grateful to have been offered a fulltime job, but I do not like the extra work I am being asked to do and think it is actually bordering on immoral, and it is boring! I am impatient about it getting better.

I am frustrated with myself for falling into the trap of laziness, making excuses not to exercise and to overeat. Who is this person? I truly love to exercise and to eat well. So why am I not doing it?

I am frustrated with Western society for making me envision success in so many terms that are simply untrue, and I cannot wipe them from my brain. My elite private college education was for what? The fact that I starved myself so much that my period stopped, was for what? That I denied myself things. That I don't know how to let myself be happy. I was a Size 2 for a while. And I felt very happy about that. But in retrospect I looked not so healthy. And I had no energy. And I was frustrated and feeling lonely and tired a lot of the time.

I'm sure that blog posts like this are no fun to read. But I am not doing them for anyone else. I'm doing them for myself. If you are looking for cheerleading, go elsewhere, at least for now. Sooner or later I will snap out of this, and I expect that optimism will return. Until then, I just see a lot of big questions lying ahead and an uncertain future. The one thing I want most right now, which is to marry my boyfriend, will have to be delayed until he gets out of the army, and meantime, my self-destructive behaviors make me feel like I am letting myself and him down.

It's time to cut this out, be a real woman and not hide. Time to live loudly.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BETTY925
    Sorry your day is not the best but don't give up. YOU are worth it. We CAN do this. You are loved by matter how much you pray or don't pray...simply because He made you. You are His child and what mother or father doesn't love his child?

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    3647 days ago
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