I am Angry
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I have not felt anything near anger in a VEEEEEERY long time. But I am feeling angry. I am feeling angry, and frustrated, and resentful.
I am resentful that I was not shown a true path to God and taught a fake form of Judaism for all of my childhood. And now that a true path has been shown to me, I'm feeling too weak to move forward. I feel that I am disappointing God because I don't take the time to pray like I used to. I'm not as careful to follow the laws like I used to. By overeating I am abusing my body, being ungrateful for the gifts God has given me.
I am frustrated at work. I am grateful to have been offered a fulltime job, but I do not like the extra work I am being asked to do and think it is actually bordering on immoral, and it is boring! I am impatient about it getting better.
I am frustrated with myself for falling into the trap of laziness, making excuses not to exercise and to overeat. Who is this person? I truly love to exercise and to eat well. So why am I not doing it?
I am frustrated with Western society for making me envision success in so many terms that are simply untrue, and I cannot wipe them from my brain. My elite private college education was for what? The fact that I starved myself so much that my period stopped, was for what? That I denied myself things. That I don't know how to let myself be happy. I was a Size 2 for a while. And I felt very happy about that. But in retrospect I looked not so healthy. And I had no energy. And I was frustrated and feeling lonely and tired a lot of the time.
I'm sure that blog posts like this are no fun to read. But I am not doing them for anyone else. I'm doing them for myself. If you are looking for cheerleading, go elsewhere, at least for now. Sooner or later I will snap out of this, and I expect that optimism will return. Until then, I just see a lot of big questions lying ahead and an uncertain future. The one thing I want most right now, which is to marry my boyfriend, will have to be delayed until he gets out of the army, and meantime, my self-destructive behaviors make me feel like I am letting myself and him down.
It's time to cut this out, be a real woman and not hide. Time to live loudly.