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Updated Main Page (long-ish post)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I just updated my main personal SparkPage blurb and publically stated for the first time that my husband and I are seriously talking about having a baby.

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, it is. This is a monumental admittance on my part. I have maintained for YEARS to my husband, my family and my friends that while I love kids, I never really wanted to have my own. A big part of that has been my body image issues and insecurity about my weight, looks and ability to come back to a healthy, personally satisfying weight after a pregnancy. I had never felt good enough about myself to feel that all the weight gain, stretching, muscle loss and other physical changes of pregnancy would allow me to come back to a body that I would feel comfortable in. I had thought that if I was already dissatisfied with my body, and I went through a process that would fundamentally change it (in my mind) for the worse, how could that be a good thing? Why would I do that to myself? And so, I have maintained that I didn't want to do it.

I feel like I am finally to the point in my journey of healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness and just general good health that I could have a very fit, healthy pregnancy that did not involve a huge weight gain and that I could come back from that process with a rocking, sexy body, a happier husband and a new person in my life to love. It is almost making me cry to admit this - I have been down on myself for so long and denying a part of my life that I know will bring so much joy.

Pride is another part of this - I am worried about telling my family about this change in my persepective. I can hear my mom saying, "I told you so - I knew you would change your mind and want a baby - I told you," and I am worried about hearing that from her. I don't want it about her being right, I want it to be about ME, with her realizing and supporting my healthy changes and my journey and acknowledging that I have worked really hard to get where I am now. That seems like a lot to expect from someone - which means I'm going to have to tell her all about those feelings and not just hope that she gets it. I'm actually going to have the opportunity to tell her about all this in person this weekend, as I'll be going home for my sister's wedding shower on Friday. While I don't want to steal any spotlight from my sister and her own hugely important life events, I also want to take advantage of this opportunity and talk to her about it face to face.

I feel really exposed by saying this "outloud" to the world, but in a way, it's also liberating. Yes, part of this journey IS to get myself as healthy as possible to give my future child the best start I can. And that's okay.

I have to get over that little voice in the back of my head saying, "But that's not what you've always said. People are going to make fun of you for changing your mind. You've built this image of the strong, powerful, independent woman and being a mother in a super-traditional female gender role does not really jive with that image. You're just turning in to an every-woman and you're not going to be special any more." I know that stuff isn't true and that I am entitled to change my mind and build my best life, which does include kids.

I hope that I'm not offending any of my SparkFriends that are already mothers - I totally respect what you do in your every day lives and I am looking forward to adding those responsibilities to my own life. Any tips you have for preparing for/ having/recovering from a healthy pregnancy would be most welcome. I bow to your experience and wisdom and would love to hear what you have to say.

*whewwwwwwwww - big sigh*

So, yes, I updated my page :) Background colors and all.

Oh, and yes, I want to have a baby - and soon. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so happy you decided to share this with all of us. It helps me understand the process you had to go through in order to reach this point. I am also happy that we got to talk about it in person :) You are amazing and can do anything you set your mind to, as evidenced in your lifestyle and appearance changes. I can't wait to go through this process with you and hope I can provide support and encouragement throughout emoticon
    3127 days ago
    Your life, live it! Alot of us waited for whatever reasons of our chosing or by God's choice. So don't feel like you need to explain or not.

    Quite frankly, already being in shape with an exercise regimen and good eating habits will only make it easier. However, be prepared for the unexpected and flow with it. Things happen beyond your control. AND YES, you can get your body back. It is a miraculous thing, the woman body, that God created.

    I had my son 17 years ago. I was fit, healthy, collegiate athlete, that went nuts eating and not exercising... gained tons of weight (almost 70 lbs.) - weighed 210 lbs when he was born. He weighed 11 lbs... stinker!

    Anway, I am now 43, started on this journey approximately 2 years ago. I have been told by family, my spouse, college & high school friends, coaches, etc. that I am in better shape than when I was in college - it's true! I am.

    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, put your baby having fears aside and enjoy the gift.

    As for talking with your family. I told you so will come up - it did with me. Yep, their right. SO what. So were you!

    Good luck.
    3136 days ago
    Get used to changing your mind as a mother...its "your" perogative! emoticon

    When it all comes down to it-it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks after all. Hopefully soon you will start to see that.

    I would like to take this time to remind you that when you are pregnant, you are growing another human being and sometimes that means your body will change in ways you are not happy with. Eating right and enough good healthy nutritious foods when you are pregnant is *more* important than that number on the scale for both you and your baby and a healthy pregnancy outcome. So my advice to you is to watch what you eat and don't watch the scale!

    And of course nursing is a fantastic way to melt post pregnancy weight for most mothers...

    3136 days ago
    destiny is so very interesting, in this case, by bringing us together as spark buddies. your thoughts here blasted me back exactly 11 years to the time i started trying to conceive, when i was 32. i had taken pretty much the exact same stance on motherhood etc. and had pretty much the same exact feelings about the whole thing, before and after changing my mind. weird, right? in my case, i found that there were not really any i told you so comments, mostly just HURRAY! and YIPPEE! i also found that changing my mind was a very exciting and liberating move. i also found that the benefits of raising a child far outweigh the drawbacks, for me anyway. my daughter is my sunshine girl (i always call her that, how funny is destiny again??) and has been my main reason for living and striving and improving myself whenever ive thought i just couldnt keep on truckin' anymore. i have to! her life depends on it! but i do it my way, not the usual soccer mom way, and luckily for me, she thinks i am the coolest mom on earth, even as a 4th grader to whom cool is a high art form. so dont worry! change your mind and embrace it!

    "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment."
    — Eckhart Tolle
    3137 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/18/2010 1:51:04 PM
    Women change their minds all the time. I think if you and your husband decided to have a baby it will be a happy day at you parents home.
    I speak from experience here I have had three children. i weighed 118 lbs at 25 when I had my third child. I checked in to the hospital weighed 143, came home two days later at 125 and in six weeks, even though I nursed I weighed 118.
    Being pregnant doesn't mean that you have a pass to eat everything in sight and gain like crazy. I think some women just think they can, and it will go away once the baby comes.
    You're getting fit and healthy now, just continue that with proper exercise, ( I swam almost every day) and you will look just great after baby comes.
    Good luck. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3137 days ago
    I think it is brave to admit that you have changed your mind and why you were struggling with it in regards to physical changes. I think many women feel this way and are ashamed to admit it for fear of being labelled selfish or less of a woman because they may not want/need to have children.

    Have a child and enjoy it. The I told you so chorus will fade.
    3137 days ago
    I am sooooo happy for you! Good luck!!!
    3137 days ago
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