I just updated my main personal SparkPage blurb and publically stated for the first time that my husband and I are seriously talking about having a baby.
Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, it is. This is a monumental admittance on my part. I have maintained for YEARS to my husband, my family and my friends that while I love kids, I never really wanted to have my own. A big part of that has been my body image issues and insecurity about my weight, looks and ability to come back to a healthy, personally satisfying weight after a pregnancy. I had never felt good enough about myself to feel that all the weight gain, stretching, muscle loss and other physical changes of pregnancy would allow me to come back to a body that I would feel comfortable in. I had thought that if I was already dissatisfied with my body, and I went through a process that would fundamentally change it (in my mind) for the worse, how could that be a good thing? Why would I do that to myself? And so, I have maintained that I didn't want to do it.
I feel like I am finally to the point in my journey of healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness and just general good health that I could have a very fit, healthy pregnancy that did not involve a huge weight gain and that I could come back from that process with a rocking, sexy body, a happier husband and a new person in my life to love. It is almost making me cry to admit this - I have been down on myself for so long and denying a part of my life that I know will bring so much joy.
Pride is another part of this - I am worried about telling my family about this change in my persepective. I can hear my mom saying, "I told you so - I knew you would change your mind and want a baby - I told you," and I am worried about hearing that from her. I don't want it about her being right, I want it to be about ME, with her realizing and supporting my healthy changes and my journey and acknowledging that I have worked really hard to get where I am now. That seems like a lot to expect from someone - which means I'm going to have to tell her all about those feelings and not just hope that she gets it. I'm actually going to have the opportunity to tell her about all this in person this weekend, as I'll be going home for my sister's wedding shower on Friday. While I don't want to steal any spotlight from my sister and her own hugely important life events, I also want to take advantage of this opportunity and talk to her about it face to face.
I feel really exposed by saying this "outloud" to the world, but in a way, it's also liberating. Yes, part of this journey IS to get myself as healthy as possible to give my future child the best start I can. And that's okay.
I have to get over that little voice in the back of my head saying, "But that's not what you've always said. People are going to make fun of you for changing your mind. You've built this image of the strong, powerful, independent woman and being a mother in a super-traditional female gender role does not really jive with that image. You're just turning in to an every-woman and you're not going to be special any more." I know that stuff isn't true and that I am entitled to change my mind and build my best life, which does include kids.
I hope that I'm not offending any of my SparkFriends that are already mothers - I totally respect what you do in your every day lives and I am looking forward to adding those responsibilities to my own life. Any tips you have for preparing for/ having/recovering from a healthy pregnancy would be most welcome. I bow to your experience and wisdom and would love to hear what you have to say.
*whewwwwwwwww - big sigh*
So, yes, I updated my page :) Background colors and all.
Oh, and yes, I want to have a baby - and soon.