Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Those of you who follow my intrepid journey may or may not remember that in Nov '07, I broke up with my husband of 10 years, as he was not taking care of himself, and he was drinking himself to death. (He was a non active alcoholic when we got married, and he fell off the horse in a big way.)
I have not managed to completely let go of that relationship in the last 2 3/4 years, cause we had a super wonderful marriage for 9 years. He also got back on his non drinking act. Argh. It's been one of the challenges I have faced as a 'mostly' single woman... that even if he is 2000 miles away, one part of me kept feeling married. I've figured that I was working through letting go, and figured I would get to it when I was ready for it.
Last night, I found out he has cancer, and won't be with us long.
I need to NOT go back and take care of him. If I do, I will be swamped with all that letting go stuff all over again.
I can't stop thinking that I need to go back and take care of him. He is (still) my husband, and I do love him.
I can't afford to go back and take care of him.
I can't afford to bring him here and take care of him.
I can't leave all this $hit in limbo.
I have to go ahead and get the divorce- he has some debts that I don't want to get stuck with.
I am spinning like a top.
Other stuff keeps apace- and most of my life is going ok. I'm sticking with being aware of my black hole belly, paying attention to my attitude toward food, feeling mostly healthy and ok.
I'm feeling freaking over whelmed. Just not Sparking a lot right now.
I go back to more Census work on Thursday, and I know that I will be thanking work for keeping me on an even keel for a while.
So many beloved people dying in my life.
I'm 55. It starts to work that way.
Keep on keeping on.