Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Ok, campers.
Those of you who follow my intrepid journey may or may not remember that in Nov '07, I broke up with my husband of 10 years, as he was not taking care of himself, and he was drinking himself to death. (He was a non active alcoholic when we got married, and he fell off the horse in a big way.)
I have not managed to completely let go of that relationship in the last 2 3/4 years, cause we had a super wonderful marriage for 9 years. He also got back on his non drinking act. Argh. It's been one of the challenges I have faced as a 'mostly' single woman... that even if he is 2000 miles away, one part of me kept feeling married. I've figured that I was working through letting go, and figured I would get to it when I was ready for it.
Last night, I found out he has cancer, and won't be with us long.
I need to NOT go back and take care of him. If I do, I will be swamped with all that letting go stuff all over again.
I can't stop thinking that I need to go back and take care of him. He is (still) my husband, and I do love him.
I can't afford to go back and take care of him.
I can't afford to bring him here and take care of him.
I can't leave all this $hit in limbo.
I have to go ahead and get the divorce- he has some debts that I don't want to get stuck with.
I am spinning like a top.
Other stuff keeps apace- and most of my life is going ok. I'm sticking with being aware of my black hole belly, paying attention to my attitude toward food, feeling mostly healthy and ok.
I'm feeling freaking over whelmed. Just not Sparking a lot right now.
I go back to more Census work on Thursday, and I know that I will be thanking work for keeping me on an even keel for a while.
So many beloved people dying in my life.
Oh, yeah.
I'm 55. It starts to work that way.
Keep on keeping on.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    3557 days ago
  • _VALEO_
    I am catching up with my friends, I wish I could heard better news from you.

    What a terrible dilemma and situation!
    Marsha wrote what I would have written. Whatever you do, think of you and your well-being.

    3566 days ago
    Wow, that is a tough spot and I am really sorry you're going through this.
    I can so commiserate with you on those relationship issues that are just too complex, there's ambivalence and there's conflicting desires...pile on a good heaping dose of guilt, sense of responsibility (whether or not it's valid) and just plain human compassion and wanting to help someone or give them the benefit of the doubt long after doing so becomes self-destructive and it's like a tangle on the freeway in rush hour. There's no simple answers.

    But I'm proud of you for recognizing that first you must take care of you, however that works for you. If working keeps you distracted, great. If sparking works, wonderful. If a good cry is in order and some alone time, I'm sure you love yourself enough to do it. And we'll love you even more from here until you come back. :)

    Huggs, light and love

    3567 days ago
    3572 days ago
  • SUSIEQ911
    3577 days ago
    OK sis, take a big, cleansing breath, and I'll give you a luvin hug... Take care of *you* first, then the rest will fall into line! Love you gurl!
    3577 days ago
    Sounds like it is time to stop spinning, take a deep breath and center yourself. All of your answers are right there waiting for you.
    3578 days ago
    I totally understand how long it takes to let go of a relationship that you loved and that shaped you in important ways, Mare. It took me 3-1/2 years of separation to finally divorce my husband, after 12 years together. You're right about all of it, though - if you're to move on, you have to let him do this with those who are around him now. Doesn't mean you don't love him ... but loving and taking care of yourself means doing what you need to do now, at this stage of your life, not trying to turn back the clock. You're ready to do it, and I know you can. Hugs --Marsha
    3578 days ago
    Love. Yes.
    Love yourself first.
    3578 days ago
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