A New Day

Monday, August 09, 2010

And a new failure. It's so weird, because objectively speaking, life couldn't be better! But I'm up to my old tricks of self-sabotage.
After finishing 30DS late last night, leftover pasta w/cheese called to me. Then bread. Then chocolate.
I ate it like a drug addict.
The reason why I know. I have a project getting down to the wire which brings up a lot of uncomfortable feelings, so I irrationally buried them with food, knowing all the while that it wouldn't work.
Aesthetics aside, I'm very worried about this, because if I don't stop, I'll develop diabetes or some other condition, or Gd forbid, kill myself.
My boyfriend has a night free on Tuesday. My plan is to summon up the courage to be more candid about what I'm going through. I hope that will help. Thanks for the support and encouragement to all who have been responding to these last few blog posts.
I'm not sure exactly how to move forward. I have a toolbox, but I've been taking out and throwing back in tools willy nilly. They include:
a) Just focus on getting enough sleep. You are slipping because you are sleep deprived.
b) Just focus on eating reasonably healthy meals, away from the computer, away from the bedroom, away from distraction.
c) Avoid trigger foods
d) Allow yourself trigger foods to just "get over it" and you'll be so sick of looking at it that you won't want it later or tomorrow.
e) Focus on the 30DS and exercise, and your body will want to eat healthier.

So far none of these have really worked because I just act irrationally time and time again.

One of my favorite parts of my yoga workout is when I hug in my knees and really thank myself at the end. All of the above, even the getting enough sleep, feels like punishing myself.

I'm going to focus on self-love today. Which also hasn't worked so well in the past, but I don't know as though I've really given it a fair shot.
Today there is going to be self-love, for everything I've accomplished even though my clothes are feeling tighter and I feel gross. For the emotional breakthroughs I've had. For the spiritual breakthroughs I've had (my spiritual life too has been going down the tubes because of all this - who can truly worship Gd when you're a drug addict?) Despite it all, there is a lot to love and be proud of. I will dedicate myself to remembering this throughout the day. And smile.
From the toolbox, well, I'm going to focus on getting a real night of sleep, which hasn't happened in at least a week. No ifs ands or buts. And it's going to come from a place of love.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD6063397
    View Point is "Everything"....
    Getting back on Track---is what the journey is about...just keeep moving forward w/ baby-steps- til you get there...
    3656 days ago
    It's inexplicable sometimes why we can't beat the monster (i.e. the binge monster). I could be on the biggest streak ever, feeling positive and confident about the future and see a commercial for pizza hut and it all goes to crud. I find myself migrating towards the kitchen and resisting feels like torture. I can't explain it - but it's powerful.

    I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. It's difficult not to be hard on yourself but you already recognize whats going on and are trying new ways to overcome it. Just don't give up! You are on the right path! Your biggest victory is acknowledging it and choosing not to quit. I think your perspective is refreshing and admirable. You should be proud. emoticon
    3657 days ago
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