Feeling a Little Overwhelmed About Things Today
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Although this is not directly related to my weight loss, this is something that is very important to me, so I thought I'd share with you all. Maybe it will help me deal with it too.
A little background:
I have wanted to have children just about my whole life. I absolutely positively LOVE children. Anyone who's ever been around me when I am around a child for about 30 seconds or more can easily tell. (I guess it's one of the reasons I'm the children's ministry leader at my church.) I never seemed to be in the right place in my life though, so I was pretty content not actually getting pregnant earlier. (I'm glad that I never had children with my exhsb...don't have that to deal with a whole bunch of issues with that!) I have been very happily married for a little over 4 years now to the best husband in the world, someone I actually believe would be a good father. Finally. The right person. We have struggled financially until just recently though. While we're far from wealthy, we're beginning to get a little more comfortable. I could actually think about being a SAHM now!
I am normally a very healthy person. I hardly ever get sick, and by sick I mean a bad cold. I can't remember the last time I had any kind of real ailment (with the exception of a hospitalization due to heavy menstrual bleeding that caused my blood count to drop drastically - 8 yrs ago). So...I keep forgetting to make dr's or OB/GYN appts. Well, last fall I took care of the dr thing. That is what started me on this whole weight loss journey. Last month, I finally had the OB/GYN exam. Everything is fine, BUT I was immediately referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, because we are TTC and have been trying for some time now...AND...because of my age. I will be 44 at the end of this month. (And by the way...my OB/GYN gave me a "high 5" when I told her about how much weight I've lost since I began this journey!)
Today (actually yesterday, 8/3):
So today was my first visit at the fertility center to which I was referred. I have to admit, I really have mixed emotions about the whole thing. After the visit at my OB/GYN back in mid-July I was so excited about this whole process, excited that it was FINALLY going to get me where I wanted so badly to be - MOTHERHOOD! They originally had me scheduled for 9/3, but put me on the cancellation list. Last week I got the call about today. I got even more excited when I found that out.
Then I met with the doctor. It seemed as if my bubble of excitement was immediately burst the moment he started to speak. The more he explained the unlikelyhood of me actually having a baby, the more I felt like just giving up. In fact, I texted my husband that very thing while in the office (after the dr left the room). In fact, the dr didn't really encourage me to do ANYTHING. He simply stated, I could choose to proceed with the plan for today (ultrasound and bloodwork) or I could even just call it quits right now. This after I just got done driving 1 1/2 hours just to get there. Does this man have any compassion?
Fortunately, the insurance coordinator I met with next had wonderful "bedside manners". She was very kind and took the time to explain what all my options were - outlining what my insurance covers and does not. I have a little over a year for any kind of fertility treatments - before my insurance stops covering them. (Apparently, once you turn 45, you're not supposed to want to have children anymore!) The doctor stated that what I did depended on how aggressive I wanted to be, but it also depends on what this stuff all costs. My insurance does not cover IVF, so in spite of the fact that he recommends we start with that right away, that won't be happening.
So, next...bloodwork and the ultrasound - and my nurse. Again, very kind! These two ladies made the whole thing bearable. I really think, though, that if I didn't want this thing so badly, I would have walked out after the first few minutes with the doctor. Before he left the room after the initial consultation, he asked if I had anything else, and I let him know what changes I've been going through lately - thinking that he might be impressed that I've lost a little over 65 pounds since last November, and have been getting healthier by the day. He didn't even blink an eye. My understanding was, the healthier you are in general, the better everything works...including fertility. Is all my effort in vain? I really don't think so, but just for a moment, I wondered.
My weight loss motivation:
One of my biggest motivators is this whole pregnancy thing...for several reasons.
1 - I want to be at a healthier weight when I get pregnant to better insure a healthy pregnancy.
2 - If obesity is causing irregular menstrual cycles, losing weight can improve that. (I have noticed that I am much more regular than I used to be.)
3 - The less I weigh BEFORE I get pregnant, the less I'll have to lose after.
4 - THE BIG ONE - I want people to know I'm pregnant and not just wonder if I've gained weight!
The whole "baby bump" desire (besides wanting to be healthier) is my biggest driver that keeps me from eating the crap that I used to. My desire to be healthy now greatly outweighs my desire for junk food. It is more firmly tied to wanting to be healthy, but in the beginning the "baby bump" was a much bigger driver.
So...after all this pregnancy stuff has been driving me on my health quest and then to be told that with IVF (the most aggressive treatment - that I can't afford, and my insurance doesn't cover) my chances of actually delivering a child were about 5% - for my age group (as the dr kept mentioning); and that all other treatments went down from there; why would someone even want to bother trying? I'm really trying not to dwell on that, but his words keep coming back and haunting me...at least for today.
I need to spend some time now dwelling on what God's Word tells me...that He gives us the desires of our hearts. I need to keep reminding myself that this is GOING to happen - regardless of what the statistics say! Abraham had great faith because he called things that were not so as though they were. That is how faith works. So let me start now...I am going to conceive...and I am going to have a healthy baby!! I declare that is the way it is going to be!!