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Another Step on My Spark Journey

Monday, July 26, 2010

I wrote the following in my journal yesterday morning, figuring it out in my head as I typed. Because my feelings were so intense, I wanted to do more with it; perhaps post an edited-down version on some of my teams' threads. I decided to "Blog" it (it'll make more sense keeping the time frame in mind).

I've wanted to blog several times, many many times, about a whole assortment of topics, but I always changed my mind. I finally realized, if I post more Blogs, the ones I wrote about my son Scott will be bumped, and won't show up under "Recent Blogs" on my Sparkpage: I didn't want to erase him!

Those feelings are all wrapped up in what this blog is about... Well, here it is! I hope it translates well from my journal... and I hope if this applies to you as well, that my experience can be helpful to you too.
Take care, Elizabeth ~ emoticon

July 25th - Oh my, I crashed and burned last night... I was reading and writing emails, and crashed and burned. I binged like I haven't binged in so long - AFTER a GOOD day physically and food-wise. It wasn't mindless either, which was worse; I knew what I was doing - AND LOSING - and made excuses all the way through.

Now, after trying not to throw up all night, I am working on being accountable to myself and others - AND to understand exactly why and how I went off the rails. I mean, I KNOW, but... I started to flounder, and tried posting on my LTTA team; but my feelings started to churn, and I got off Spark. THAT was my 1ST mistake.

To push the emotions away, I switched my planned snack of fresh fruit salad (peaches, banana, cantaloupe) to ice cream and peanut butter - my current "go-to" comfort food. HOWEVER, instead of dishing out my usual (1C&2T), I started eating from the containers; and then, just kept on eating. THAT was my 2ND mistake.

I'm all mixed up about stuff I thought I had already figured out. emoticon

A young man my daughter dated in high school, now 24 years old, died recently. There are few details - actually none - being revealed publicly about the what and how; however, the "buzz" says he was using different cleansers at his parents' home (they were gone on vacation), and the mixture created a toxic gas that killed him. emoticon

Whenever I think of it, I'm still surprised - How could it happen? Someone SO young killed in such a mind-bending way... I think of his parents and older sister, who I knew through DD Aubrey, and I say to myself, I can't imagine... I just can't imagine... and then I remember:

Last night, this realization was too difficult for me to - I don't know - acknowledge? examine? contemplate? scrutinize? think about, deal with, work out... I'm struggling right now, trying to find the right words – ones “large enough” to match my feelings… BUT, I'm NOT headed into the kitchen to eat again. What else did I do "right"?

I stopped eating. I went to bed AND I fell asleep. I kept the Tums on my nightstand. I drank water whenever I woke up. I stayed in bed all night. I kept telling myself I’d be okay, just take a moment and - ??? Stop? When I woke up this morning, I had a good cry, and got on Spark to "talk" it out for myself… That takes me to now. emoticon

Am I going to say, “I still can’t deal with it?” That’s what I started to write, but I don’t WANT that! Let’s see…Last night, realizing “yes, I can imagine; I just don’t want to,” was too difficult because I’d have to REMEMBER, and then I’d have to FEEL “it” again… this grief over Scott seems just as heavy today as it ever was.

Well, I am going to put my should-have-been-last-night fruit salad together with sugar-free Jello and light Cool Whip, and get something solid in my stomach. Then I’m going to decide what to do with all of THIS – right now it’s in my journal. Then, I had – I HAVE – a busy, fun day planned, and I’m going to get to it!
I’ll always love you Scott ~ Forever, Mom ~ emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hello Elizabeth
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and we all are here for one another.
    Elizabeth, I do not remember the exact day we met and I had invited you to join my team. I was so pleased that you did come onto It seems just like yesterday. I'm also proud to say that you are my friend and team member.
    Sometimes we all fall back into a rut (bad spot) and we keep making it deeper and deeper. Sooner or later, we will dig ourselves out and get back on track. No other child will replace Scott and he will always be in your heart. If he were alive today, he would probably say," There is very strong woman in this room and I'm very of her b/c she is My Mom.
    Thank you, Mom for being there for me".
    I better stop, b/c I am crying as I type this out. Thank you Elizabeth for coming into my life as well. Always, ERNA
    emoticon emoticon
    3064 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. I haven't lost a child but I lost my youngest sister almost two years ago. She introduced me to SP.

    You are so courageous for knowing how to translate your feelings into words. I admire you for that. Don't give up on yourself; you are worth fighting for.
    3066 days ago
    Elizabeth, I am so very very sorry. I have prayed for you, your daughter, Scott, and his family. I'm glad that you wrote all of this out in a blog to those of us who love you on Spark People. God bless! emoticon
    3066 days ago
  • DEE107
    just to let you know I am keeping you in my prayers and hope all is well and glad you are doing better jello and cool whip sounds divine hugs
    3066 days ago
  • SHERRY666
    Thanks for sharing all of this with us............. I know some days are harder than others......... but you seem to be going in the right direction now........ We all fall down...... but the thing is getting back up........ and that is just what you are doing........ Good luck with it all Elizabeth... get out there now........ and have fun...... emoticon
    3066 days ago
    Dear MIMAWELIZABETH Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know the pain of losing a child. Somedays it is just overwhelming, but try to think of your son being in a better place. Its coming up on seven years since we lost our son Christopher. He will always be our hero, now just writing this biog has brought tears to my eyes but I must go on and always remember my son in a positive light. I only recently let him go but how easy it is to have his memory send me back to the pain of loss. I believe in the after life and with some help,I came to realize I was holding him back. I know that I will see him again. Take care and try to forgive yourself.
    Rocknsultan emoticon
    3066 days ago
    You are an inspiration. My God, how much can a person go through? I know Scott would be so proud of you, you've been through so much. You know, we all crash and burn one time or another for various reasons. Mine was after becoming addicted to pain medication last summer for a variety of reasons( I had a painful leg wound, broke my leg, was in the hosp 4 times last year). I was so tired of being in pain, I was taking pills before they were needed in order to avoid the pain. During that time I didn't eat. When I finally got better in Oct, I ate everything I could get my hands on (From mid July until then I had lost 150lbs, partly due to fluid accumulation). As a result I gained 25lbs back and am desperatly trying to lose them. There are days when I feel blue and turn to the fridge. Even "healthy" snacks can be unhealthy. That's why you are here for the love and support. If you ask, it will come. Take care please. emoticon emoticon
    3066 days ago
    I do admire you for writing all that It probably helped you to do so. Chief thing is dont beat yourself up over it It dosen't make you a bad person because you had a binge. We all want to support you and each day is a chance of a fresh start. I also think you need to learn to love yourself more. Stop feeling guilty, accept its happened but its not the end of the world. None of us is perfect! We would be angels if we were! Love from us all Ree emoticon
    3066 days ago
  • AKASHA66
    Good for you for writing this to let go of some of it. Try to get past it and get back in there. There will always be the bad things in life along with the good things, what we can change is how we deal with them, and that change doesn't happen overnight.
    3066 days ago
    Dear Mimaw
    I feel your pain and can relate, my dear sister lost her/our son Feb this year. It is hard, so very hard to move on-my sis describes the feeling as a badly cracked glass on the verge of crumbling into a million pieces. We have to hold it together no matter what, we have to trust the pain will go away, we have to reach out join hands and draw on loved ones strength.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    emoticon Scott I'm honored to have your Mom as a friend emoticon
    3066 days ago
  • VXWALL1942
    Thanks for sharing the memory...and the pain. It shows you know we're your friends and we're here to support you whenever and whatever the reasons. Why do we somehow fall back on bad eating habits when things are too much to handle? Wish I knew. My heart and prayers are with you. Sorry for the sad trigger that pushed you into this painful reminiscing. Take care. You know only too well how I can relate. Scott's memory is alive and well.

    3067 days ago
    Sweetie, it is always better to vent then keep things in

    Nice job in starting fresh emoticon
    3067 days ago
    So glad you wrote this!! You need to let those feelings out. So glad we are here to read it. Hope you have a wonderful Day 1!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3067 days ago
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