The Hard Way

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I have been overweight for the majority of my life. I believe the last time I was at a 'skinny' weight was when I was 10. My weight has fluctuated for so long that I thought the 'yo-yo' was a normal thing. Of course, I exaggerate about the yo-yo. I know it's not healthy for you to do that to your body. However, I will say that I have gained considerable weight over the last 10 years. It's been a slow process but it's gained up on me. And now here I am... Trying to lose it all.

However, it's not just a battle with the weight. It's also a battle with my emotional self. For years I have put up the barrier that said: "I'm fat! I'm a bitch! And I love myself!" While it was true on most days, there were days that I looked in the mirror and was thoroughly disgusted with myself. In fact, I would avoid mirrors so that I could keep my facade in place. This was my armor, after all. However, the scale told me something else a little more than a week ago. It told me that I was eating myself to death.

So I chose to make a change. I was going to get healthy and stay healthy. I was changing my life and changing the way I thought. I went through the house and got rid of all the food that was terrible for Dreygan and I. We bought a new scale to verify that we were getting the right results. We began cleaning out our lives. I was ready and rarin' to go.

Then there was Thursday. I started to feel a little down. I had stepped on the scale (like I do every morning... I know, bad choice!) and saw that I was up 0.3 lbs. I began to fear that all this change was doing nothing for me. All these changes that I had made were for naught. I didn't work out but I did stay in my caloric goal ranges. I was still doing alright.

Then yesterday... I did very well for the first half of the day but when the sun went down, I lost more and more willpower. I went over my caloric range and still wanted more. I wanted to feed this depression with potato chips and chocolate. I wanted to drown it in Pepsi and heavily sugared coffee. I wanted this skinny little bitch in me to be suffocated with the amount of food that I could shove down my gullet.

I held back. And I broke. I cried heavily for a long time. Dreygan couldn't make me feel better (and I know that it hurts him when he can't help me when I am in pain). I couldn't make me feel better. I was wallowing in misery. And while I know that one day is not the end of the world, it seemed it to me. And in some ways, it still seems it. I know that I shouldn't weigh myself everyday and that I can get obsessed with numbers on the scale... Well, maybe I am already obsessed. I need something measurable to show that what I am doing is worth it. I need something concrete to verify that what I am doing is working.

This brings me to my next thought. What am I going to be like when I plateau? What am I going to feel then when I look on the scale and see absolutely no change for a week or more? I don't want to be on this emotional roller coaster. I don't like feeling helpless and alone. Because, you see, my weight loss is emotional, physical and even spiritual in some ways. And now I just have to figure out how to balance everything.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You will plateau babe. And it will suck. And this journey is so dang emotional. It is hard. But when you are up..when you have it all together and your eating and water and exercise is going's magic. The weight will come off. It's really hard. And really worth it. We can do this.

    What a great blog post.
    2832 days ago
    emoticon Toss your scale out the window right now! If you can, just get on it once a week. Day to day fluctuations will make you insane... weekly, same time, same place, same state (before you drink, nekkid and after you potty!) and just go with that! If you're doing MOST things right MOST of the time, you should see results!

    And this is a VERY emotional journey. And honestly, I've found that it gets MORE emotional the futher you go along... so find ways to work through it. Talking, exercising, Sparking, sunlight, journaling... whatever works for you.

    2833 days ago

    I'm so very proud of you for not giving into that craving. It's something I know I'm going to have a hard time with and I think we all do. You have my number sweetheart: don't be afraid to call me if you get to one of these points again and you just need someone to vent to. I love you and hope today is going to be better for you.


    2834 days ago
    I can really relate to your posting. I have also no memories of being thin although I have seen pictures of me (under the age of 10) & I was skinny. You are stronger than you think & you can do this. Plateau's will happen & you just have to keep focused & rely on us for help. Best of luck to you.
    2834 days ago
    We have to take baby steps and realize it didn't come on over night and it will take a while to get rid of it. I am just like you when it comes to working soo hard to change my way of eating and then not seeing a change or just seeing a small change. We have to make our minds up that it isn't about the # on the scale.. it is how we feel. I gave in to temptations today and I felt horrible within minutes of doing that... and it lasted for a few hours. My body tells me what it really wants when I have energy and little pain.
    I just want you to know you re not the only one out there with these feelings.
    Keep your head up.. and keep doing what you are doing.. you will see results!
    emoticon emoticon
    BTW congrats for holding back!!

    2835 days ago
    Thanks for your post. The hardest thing for me was to keep coming back after a setback. Even when I was not doing well, I would still log in and get support. I keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change, and my weight may go up and down, but I am learning things for a lifetime of good health. Good luck! emoticon
    2835 days ago
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