Crash and Burn
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Aiight friends. I blew it. I was SO pumped about getting down to 153, and my hiking pants weren't difficult to put on, as they had been getting.
I went on a hike with my bf on Friday, and we walked for about 4 hours total. I don't get too hungry when I'm on the move, so I just had a granola bar and some fruit leather. When I got home though, I was pretty hungry, and I was stressed because under a time crunch to get ready for a Shabbat dinner that evening ( and I knew that there would be TONS of food).
On the one hand, I knew I needed to replenish fuel and that it wasn't smart to wait a few more hours. On the other hand, I didn't want to eat in order to avoid feeling too hungry later. I ate a good amount, but not a real meal.
Then at dinner, I ate more than I should, but I skipped dessert and felt very proud about that. I estimate that I burned at least 1600 cals through exercise that day, so it was hard to think I had eaten too much.
Saturday morning though, I was hungry and stressed and I ate too much before a lunch with friends, so I just had some salad, and I had trouble dealing with feelings of guilt from the morning.
All was well until I saw my boyfriend again Saturday night, and I was feeling frustrated that he didn't seem to care too much to hear what I had to say about how my day had been and such. I just couldn't remove some anxiety.
Later on, I just ate to comfort myself, something I haven't done in weeks. I know I should put a sign on my cabinet and fridge that says "if you're not hungry, what you want isn't in here," and I thought about the saying, but I just didn't care. I wanted to feel full, and I wanted to feel numb, and I wanted to stop self-sabotaging, but in doing so, self-sabotaged. I ate a lot of high-fiber items, like wasa crackers, soynuts, and some dried pineapple, so it's not as bad as it would have been if it were chocolate or pizza or something, but still, I felt sick this morning.
I just got my period, and I'm more aware of what my body is telling me and why it's wreaking emotional havoc for not such great reasons.
Hopefully I will turn it all around. It's 2 p.m. and I just finished a sensible, veggie-full lunch, the first thing I have eaten all day today. If I can stick to some healthy protein and get a good night of sleep tonight, hopefully it will pass.
I will be very disappointed if I've ruined my hard-fought weight loss efforts. I guess all we all have to do is work at it each day, again and again.
I'm not going to let this get me down. I told my boyfriend about what happened, and I feel really happy and comforted that I was able to open up to him about it, since I don't really talk to anyone about my food issues. Hopefully we'll work through conflicts better in the future and I'll keep feeling more comfortable telling him when I am in my grumpy TOM and we can laugh about it or something and I won't need to turn to food!
Thanks to whoever was reading this. I know that the extent to which I have made progress is due largely in part to this supportive community of Sparkers!