Those who know me well, know that sometimes I must retreat and regroup .... It is good for the soul and strengthens the spirit.
Over a year ago, I impetuously decided that I was going to finish school. I had paid the tuition and was on "short leave" when I had my foot/ankle reconstruction and all that that entailed. Two years passed quickly - my precious cat, Mallory Anna's health deteriorated -- and then there was Spark!!! I make no excuses for my Spark time -- I have met friends on Spark that I have laughed with, cried with, loved and supported -- and whether I ever meet them, it matters not to me.... I am blessed to call them "friend."
I gained the proverbial "Freshmen Fifteen" -- and then some.... I immersed myself in my studies. Again, the person who needed me the most was me .. and I didn't have the time. I had fought long and hard to honor me ... to love and nurture myself. And quickly, easily, without so much as a parade or fanfare, I found myself right back at Square One-- thinking I had licked this thing for once and for all. But this time was different. This time I couldn't do all my usual tricks to lose it quickly ... This time, I had to go back to the basics and find the blessing in all of this.
You see, I had gotten where I was apologizing for being me ... ashamed once again for being fat -- which is really weird considering I was 267 lbs once upon a time. But this extra weight really bugged me big time ... Why??? Because I was judging myself harshly thinking that I should know better. All the things that I espouse and hold dear were causally, carelessly, without a second thought, tossed out the window...
On January 10, 2010, I decided it was time to recommit to me ... To begin the process of forgiving myself for gaining weight and getting into the predicament I found myself. And, perhaps more importantly, to find the blessing in this setback. I had to begin to take care of myself once again -- to nurture, accept, and honor me just as I love and honor those in my life. I had time for everyone -- but me. And, as I always say, If I don't take care of me, then who will????
Back to basics is where I found myself last January. I remember huffing and puffing in the gym barely able to do what I once did with relative ease. I embraced it all. I kept a diary once again ... I critically looked at what I ate (and had to eliminate all soy from my diet); began weighing my food, exercising daily -- and I began losing weight with my weekly weight ins -- sometimes only one ounce at a time -- literally. And I was glad to lose that!! The year before, I was angry because I felt my body had betrayed me ... But the truth be told, I had betrayed it with all the years of abuse, crappy eating and yo yo dieting.
Mid-Spring I was putting dishes in the dishwasher, when my brother Dave (as y’all know, my confidant and diet bud – btw -- everyone should have one!!) sauntered in to have a protein drink with me. He, too, packed on the lbs. -- but he jokingly says he is back on the "Joanne Plan." I shared with Dave what I know to be true -- and that is, there is a moment when a life lesson and life blessing is born --- when everything crystallises and makes itself known. My life lesson was that it is never okay to ever apologize for being who we are ---- ever. Regardless of what we weigh. We all have value and purpose - and we all deserve the same love, honor and respect that we so lovingly, easily, give to those in our lives. And I can say with authority, our value and worth is not contingent on what the scale says …. I promise. The scale is merely a measurement – it is not something that should ever determine who we are and how we show up in the world.
Yup ... I''m back... With more Life Lessons learned to share!!!
Thank you **ALL** for your love, support and friendship ... Your friendship and understanding has sustained me -- more than you know.... God Bless you all.
Special love and appreciation to one of the best friends a girl could ever have -- My Michlea who never ceases to amaze me with her love, understanding and friendship and who stood by my side during Mallory Anna's illness. I could not love and appreciate you more if you and I were related, Mich.