Monday, June 21, 2010
I have a strong feeling I'm going to regret putting this on the web for all to see, especially if people I know (as opposed to all the wonderful people on SP whom I don't know - but share all kinds of personal information with :)), but I really want people's experiences with this.
A few years ago I went on Lexapro. Eventually I added Wellbutrin to counteract the side effects (those with significant others know what I mean). The worst thing - the main symptom, really - was not being able to sleep. I don't mean, Oh, darn, can't sleep. I mean up for hours thinking about every bad thing I'd ever done. I'd be more or less ok during the day but day after week after month of that wears you down badly. Needless to say, that doesn't help in being a mother to three young kids. For a while I stopped fighting the idea of being on antidepressants. Not long ago I decided my life was great, no one had died recently (I went through a statistically unlikely number of losses), etc. So I very, very slowly weaned myself off - I'd been on the lowest dose to begin with and I cut those in half for a long time until I finally ran out. As you all know, I've been taking much better care of myself overall in the last month or so since I started SP, so it's not like I'm sitting around, drinking, eating, and being sedentary.
Things have been going downhill. I notice this really bad feeling in my heart, like despair, for no reason. The irritability is BAD (like, don't you know that not only should you cry over spilled milk but it's the worst thing in the whole wide world???). And last night I hardly slept at all, finally waking my poor husband and sobbing. So I'm throwing in the towel today. I wanted so badly to be "clean" - I was on nothing but thyroid med and supplements. I got my cholesterol down with no meds and am so proud of that. But I knew last night I couldn't go on like this for my family's sake, even if I'm willing to keep slogging through. I can hold it together - but I don't really want my kids to have a mom who just holds it together.
So that's where I am. In case you're still here after this tome of a blog entry!