Monday, June 21, 2010

I have a strong feeling I'm going to regret putting this on the web for all to see, especially if people I know (as opposed to all the wonderful people on SP whom I don't know - but share all kinds of personal information with :)), but I really want people's experiences with this.

A few years ago I went on Lexapro. Eventually I added Wellbutrin to counteract the side effects (those with significant others know what I mean). The worst thing - the main symptom, really - was not being able to sleep. I don't mean, Oh, darn, can't sleep. I mean up for hours thinking about every bad thing I'd ever done. I'd be more or less ok during the day but day after week after month of that wears you down badly. Needless to say, that doesn't help in being a mother to three young kids. For a while I stopped fighting the idea of being on antidepressants. Not long ago I decided my life was great, no one had died recently (I went through a statistically unlikely number of losses), etc. So I very, very slowly weaned myself off - I'd been on the lowest dose to begin with and I cut those in half for a long time until I finally ran out. As you all know, I've been taking much better care of myself overall in the last month or so since I started SP, so it's not like I'm sitting around, drinking, eating, and being sedentary.

Things have been going downhill. I notice this really bad feeling in my heart, like despair, for no reason. The irritability is BAD (like, don't you know that not only should you cry over spilled milk but it's the worst thing in the whole wide world???). And last night I hardly slept at all, finally waking my poor husband and sobbing. So I'm throwing in the towel today. I wanted so badly to be "clean" - I was on nothing but thyroid med and supplements. I got my cholesterol down with no meds and am so proud of that. But I knew last night I couldn't go on like this for my family's sake, even if I'm willing to keep slogging through. I can hold it together - but I don't really want my kids to have a mom who just holds it together.

So that's where I am. In case you're still here after this tome of a blog entry!
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  • no profile photo CD7153502
    I know this feeling well. I hit the bottom in 2004. After time with a wonderful counselor working on cognitive bahvioral therapy, and combining that with fluoxetine, I feel whole. I wish I had realized I needed help 20 years ago so I could be a better mother. My kids say no worries but there is that guilt. I have since let that go and embrace the time we have in the present. I, too, have tried to wean myself from the medication. It's truly a chemical imbalance. I can feel a physical change when I go too long. I have no problem at all with the fact that I may be on this the rest of my life. I am happy, and I am here. I believe that depression is something that runs on my mothers side of the family. She never spoke about her struggle until I was much older. One of her last comments to me before she passed was that my therapist did a heck of a better job than hers! Lol. The irritation is that mental health is treated with a stigma compared to physical health. That is wrong thinking and one reason I am so open about my journey. Our son struggled in high school and a daughter does now. But through my walk and my open dialogue they know that it's ok.
    As an aside, the average weight gain with the medication I am on is 18 pounds. That makes this weight loss a bit more of a dragon that I am going to slay.
    I hope my rambling makes sense. I'm a bit passionate about this subject and my dh just commented about the amount I am typing. =) Stay the course, and know that I am always here if you need someone to talk to.

    3651 days ago
  • TRACY45H
    Don't feel bad if you need to take a medication to help regulate and balance neurotransmitters in your brain. Diabetics don't feel bad and guilty that they need to take insulin. Some people have a chemical imbalance and need to take antidepressants to bring them back to baseline and to feel normal like everyone else. Anyone who thinks antidepressants are happy pills are very off the mark. As for the bad thoughts you are having, to a certain extent we can choose which thoughts we give validity to. Try not to let yourself think of all the bad stuff and mistakes you have made (I really struggle with this too) but I know that is easier said than done! For a first step, I think you are very smart and brave for catching the problem early and dealing with it right away. Good for you!
    3666 days ago
    I don't have anything pertinet to really add except that I watched a show with Dr. Amen....he talked about a holistic approach to treating depression. I know one of the things was fish oils....can't remember the others. Apparently he does all these brain scans on people and it looked amazing when you watch the show. You might be able to Google and see if you can find some info from him that might help.
    3666 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5553271
    Good luck with your struggles. You might talk to your doctor about other medications. There are a lot of options. Maybe a different one will help you more, so again, you'll be able to wean yourself off of them.
    3666 days ago
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