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What was I thinking?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Every once in a while I think.
I mean, I think all the time, but sometimes I take a moment and really think about and dwell on something.

I was thinking of how the weight crept up over the years. In fact, it gave up on creeping, and downright sabotaged me and I let it!
What was I thinking?

When I was little, oops, younger, as I am still kind of little at 4'11", my mother said I "eat like a bird." I was urged to eat more, but I didn't. I was an active and skinny little kid. In fact, although full term, I weighed 4 lb 5 oz at birth, less than a bag of sugar.

1956 or so

Then when I was 9 I had my tonsils out, then later in the year my appendix. Both tended to put a major damper on my activities - ballet, dance, girl scouts, bike riding, swimming. Combine that with puberty and the fact I was destined to be short like my maternal grandmother, and not blessed with the height both my parents enjoyed, and I was found to be "gaining weight."
So after years of being told to "eat, eat, eat", I was then being told I was getting stretch marks on my thighs and developing breasts. There I was 10 years old, not even 100 lbs and being told to "diet".

So weight became a battle quite early on - I was told, no, 114 is too heavy, 125 is too heavy. I did grow to 5 feet tallness, but recently have lost an inch.

In my senior year of high school I dieted and exercised to get down to 108. What was I thinking? Whose vision was that? I did it to enter the local Jr. Miss contest, and came in as first runner up. I did it for the scholarship money. That was the first time I dieted and lost weight, but actually, I followed a balanced meal plan, allowing dessert just once on the weekend, with daily exercise. It didn't stay there though. I had been having a love affair with chocolate and sweets since I was quite young. In high school and college my weight varied between 110 and 120.
But then came a bad first marriage (I lost weight, then gained weight), followed by meeting my dear husband of nearly 30 years. I weighed about 125 when we got married, and it felt pretty comfortable. I was about a size 12.

9-13-1980 - 120 to 125 lbs, size 12

Somewhere along the line, I was given prednisone for pain, and I began to balloon in weight.
1980 - we got married - about 120-125
1985 - moved south - went to size 12-14. while there ballooned up to 145.
1991 - moved back north, and just before I got pregnant with my son, I had lost weight and was down to 156.
1993 - Pregnancy - up to 181
2000 - down to 165 when I moved to my current home state.
Then I went back to work due to my husband's health, I developed borderline high blood pressure,
2000-2009 - I kind of stopped looking at the scale and caring about what I weighed.
2003 - 185 while I was studying for my master's degree in library science.
2007 - 195 Ugh! and injured my shoulder/neck moving books at work.
2008 - Then, I injured my back/neck/knee falling on the ice February 2009 and was 207 by July 2009. I was barely moving, couldn't lift, had trouble walking at times, and was in constant pain.

What was I thinking in letting myself go like that? My mobility, strength and flexibility were horrid a year ago. Was I thinking that I did not want to be attractive or not attract the wrong kind of personal attention? Every time the doctor said I was "obese", I thought, no, he is wrong. But I was. I still am, but way less obese than 207. Truly, what was I thinking? I knew that losing weight would only get harder as I grew older. What was I thinking?

This was last August, 2010 (weight about 207 the previous month) and I was about to start wearing the back brace that would add even more inches to my torso! This was one of my worst pictures. Then again, I pretty much never let anyone take my picture. I was the photographer, I would take every one else's picture.
That was the twig to break the camel's back, or at least to really give my back a major problem. I was having trouble breathing. I looked old. I felt old, and I was in constant pain. This was not where I wanted to be.
I was soon in physical therapy after this picture and that was my beginning. It was my beginning to take notice of myself and begin thinking. If I didn't grab a hold of myself and work at improving my health, how could I expect the doctor's to help me, or my back. I told the physical therapist I aimed to lose weight, gain flexibility and mobility and back strength so that whenever the time comes for back surgery I can recover better. I am still waiting, so I am still working out and working the program.

181 lbs

What was I thinking? Tell you what. I was not thinking, but now I am.
I know this may be redundant, but I need to tell myself these things. I need to remind myself where I am coming from and why. I am fully thinking now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    At some point we do sort of wake up and think - what have we done to ourselves? Now we are doing something about it - you are looking great - now keep on going!!

    I know I will never look like I did when I was twenty and not overweight. I kept a dress from that age and wonder how I ever got into it. But looking at that dress shows me that it was possible at one time for me not to be the weight I am now. I will never fit in that dress again (no way, a daisy flowered mini?) but at 62 I know I can lose the weight I need to, to be the best and healthiest 62 year old that I can be.

    3410 days ago
    Life Happens....
    3410 days ago
  • PSMITH3841
    You have made so much progress, keep on "thinking" and continue to do what you're doing....I told you once're lookin' pretty sassy! emoticon emoticon
    3410 days ago
    You look wonderful, you've made such amazing progress. Breaking down your struggle with weight like that is enlightening isn't it?
    3411 days ago
    Just catching up on all my blog reading...sorry I have been so out of touch the last few days!

    Great blog! You are doing AND LOOKING great...keep up the great work and I'm sure you will continue to see lots of success!

    As always,
    Stay Strong!!
    3411 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/21/2010 5:16:18 AM
    You are making such progress! With your positive outlook you will accomplish anything you set your mind to! Congratulations on your success so far..I know there is much success to come!!
    3411 days ago
    While it's not healthy to live in the past, it is healthy to look back & to use the past for reflection. I see that's what you're doing, & you're doing so well with regaining health & fitness. Keep up the good work, & thank-you for this wonderful entry. :)
    3411 days ago
  • FIT_BY_2012
    I really like what MCBIGSIS said.
    You are doing great!

    P.S. We share an anniversary (9/13/03 for us)!

    3411 days ago
  • no profile photo KELLIE6446
    Sometimes when we break things down we really do get a better idea of what the big picture is. You have begun and are steadfast on the way to a healthier you. Good Work! You have all the support from your SP family :-)
    3411 days ago
    JFK said "we cannot know where we are going until we know where we have been". You definitely know where you have been and it sound like you know exactly where you are going! Keep a positive attitude. You will do it!
    Take care.
    3411 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/20/2010 10:59:14 PM
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