Every once in a while I think.
I mean, I think all the time, but sometimes I take a moment and really think about and dwell on something.
I was thinking of how the weight crept up over the years. In fact, it gave up on creeping, and downright sabotaged me and I let it!
What was I thinking?
When I was little, oops, younger, as I am still kind of little at 4'11", my mother said I "eat like a bird." I was urged to eat more, but I didn't. I was an active and skinny little kid. In fact, although full term, I weighed 4 lb 5 oz at birth, less than a bag of sugar.
1956 or so
Then when I was 9 I had my tonsils out, then later in the year my appendix. Both tended to put a major damper on my activities - ballet, dance, girl scouts, bike riding, swimming. Combine that with puberty and the fact I was destined to be short like my maternal grandmother, and not blessed with the height both my parents enjoyed, and I was found to be "gaining weight."
So after years of being told to "eat, eat, eat", I was then being told I was getting stretch marks on my thighs and developing breasts. There I was 10 years old, not even 100 lbs and being told to "diet".
So weight became a battle quite early on - I was told, no, 114 is too heavy, 125 is too heavy. I did grow to 5 feet tallness, but recently have lost an inch.
In my senior year of high school I dieted and exercised to get down to 108. What was I thinking? Whose vision was that? I did it to enter the local Jr. Miss contest, and came in as first runner up. I did it for the scholarship money. That was the first time I dieted and lost weight, but actually, I followed a balanced meal plan, allowing dessert just once on the weekend, with daily exercise. It didn't stay there though. I had been having a love affair with chocolate and sweets since I was quite young. In high school and college my weight varied between 110 and 120.
But then came a bad first marriage (I lost weight, then gained weight), followed by meeting my dear husband of nearly 30 years. I weighed about 125 when we got married, and it felt pretty comfortable. I was about a size 12.
9-13-1980 - 120 to 125 lbs, size 12
Somewhere along the line, I was given prednisone for pain, and I began to balloon in weight.
1980 - we got married - about 120-125
1985 - moved south - went to size 12-14. while there ballooned up to 145.
1991 - moved back north, and just before I got pregnant with my son, I had lost weight and was down to 156.
1993 - Pregnancy - up to 181
2000 - down to 165 when I moved to my current home state.
Then I went back to work due to my husband's health, I developed borderline high blood pressure,
2000-2009 - I kind of stopped looking at the scale and caring about what I weighed.
2003 - 185 while I was studying for my master's degree in library science.
2007 - 195 Ugh! and injured my shoulder/neck moving books at work.
2008 - Then, I injured my back/neck/knee falling on the ice February 2009 and was 207 by July 2009. I was barely moving, couldn't lift, had trouble walking at times, and was in constant pain.
What was I thinking in letting myself go like that? My mobility, strength and flexibility were horrid a year ago. Was I thinking that I did not want to be attractive or not attract the wrong kind of personal attention? Every time the doctor said I was "obese", I thought, no, he is wrong. But I was. I still am, but way less obese than 207. Truly, what was I thinking? I knew that losing weight would only get harder as I grew older. What was I thinking?
This was last August, 2010 (weight about 207 the previous month) and I was about to start wearing the back brace that would add even more inches to my torso! This was one of my worst pictures. Then again, I pretty much never let anyone take my picture. I was the photographer, I would take every one else's picture.
That was the twig to break the camel's back, or at least to really give my back a major problem. I was having trouble breathing. I looked old. I felt old, and I was in constant pain. This was not where I wanted to be.
I was soon in physical therapy after this picture and that was my beginning. It was my beginning to take notice of myself and begin thinking. If I didn't grab a hold of myself and work at improving my health, how could I expect the doctor's to help me, or my back. I told the physical therapist I aimed to lose weight, gain flexibility and mobility and back strength so that whenever the time comes for back surgery I can recover better. I am still waiting, so I am still working out and working the program.
What was I thinking? Tell you what. I was not thinking, but now I am.
I know this may be redundant, but I need to tell myself these things. I need to remind myself where I am coming from and why. I am fully thinking now.