Friday, December 08, 2006

I live in a small community,yes really,unusual in the High Riser States some of you know where people get lost in goals and setting the Standard so high no one actually achieves anything more than a Chart Full of lines that have to show and increase.I was about the PIE Chart Industry when I worked as a Nurse in a major Metropolitan Hospital some 160 miles south of where I rewside now.I was so driven that I didn't even know I was driven,I always spoke to God don't get me wrong but Hospitals and Nursing are very big business for some of you this maybe a bit of a surprise but Yes we too had our PIE Charts and Graph's.We set the Standard of Care and Business as one mark to be hit always,people fell through the cracks,some folks were fired and some I no not where they landed. Sometimes I find myself searching the Sea of faces when I visit the old city I worked in to find some one familiar and in that world of fast-paced movements much needed in a Hospital ER or ICU but little cared about in this old one horse town. There are no Merits of Service rendered here,No Spirit of Caring Awards given here,there are no long jevity bonus's given here and certainly not the constant checks and balances I had to sustain while working in a Hospital,the rythums I so loved and those that nourished me forever to say "You Love what you do" is almost a Miracle all unto itself.It was my Good fortune to have and be able to say just that I love my Job.I did.I live now a foriegn to me at least a life devoid of the swift pace I used to set for myself and was encouraged to take on I will just say I was highly rewarded. When I first entered Nursing there was virtually no pay scale maybe $7.50 if you were Lucky now the wages are astonomical some are worth they're price in Gold but to be honest some I wish would just sale real estate or anything but get out of the Hospitals.As I say I prayed under my breath each day on the floor,forging ahead night after night and feeling like I could do anything I had bad nights too,my last assignment put me on an Oncology Floor. I believe I learned more there about helplessness than anywhere on this Earth. I watched one Evening as a Father and Mother said they're final Good Byes to thier only child a young woamn of 20,we had watched over the course of two years how heroic they're battle was ,we watched as slowly each Best-friend this girl had had dwindled down to one as the disease took over her,we watched as both parents had been told there was nothing to do but to take her home,I was on duty the night she came back permanently to stay until her Cancer swept her from life.Every Bit a wicked Tormentor this Cancer took a beautiful young woman from two loving parents,we had all prayed for a Miracle,even the night we struggled to place a feeding tube back into her stomach,even through all the wasting her body did,even through the small triumphs we all always prayed for this Child to be healed. We heard more about her life from both parents,she deserved to be here let me just say that,she was a truely giving young woman,started a No alcohol Prom night,took pride in her volunteer work she was a rare beauty as well,academically she amazed her parents nothing short of a straight A ,4.1 student her entire School Life she had even statred College Prep classes at 16,how could this be happening,yes we all prayed.The Friends from the Hihg school she had attended came in droves and spoke often about how "If anyone can Beat this She Can!",we sometimes had to ask them to keep it down after a year the crowds got less and less in that room many times we called a Volunteer Sitter up to stay with her as her parents saught much needed respite for a few hours.Soon the noise in that room was deafening for other reasons,the air mattress,to prevent decubs,the constant whir of vents during pneumonia and the alarms when machines go down..The Night she died I was on duty,she died early in my shift and housekkepping wanted the room badly as we were a constant swinging door to Neutropenia patients,and TB patient etc,but I had not gotten around to caring for her and I guess I could have assigned a TCA to do it but I wanted to take care of her body.I removed the Catheter Bag,the IV Lines,I shampood her hair it had regrown into the most lovely thick curly dark brown I had ever seen,I asked the TCA to go through her drawers and she helped me gingerly turn her I felt proud momentarily we had kept her free of decubs for as long as we did then brushed the thought aside.I didn't send her body down in the zippered bag nude either that night I dressed her in a fresh hospital gown,tagged her toe and applied her lip gloss and zipped her bag and we transferred her to a guerney and she went to the morgue,I became busy with MD orders,admits and dicharges in Big Hospitals folks are discharged at night,I checked my Med Cart,got my Air Can up from the Pharmacy and had an LVN help me do a count,I was praying all the while,no one heard me,no one knew,hospitals were the first to be told about treating religious differences with diverse peoples respectfully so those of us who pray,pray unnoticed mostly.I looked up from my count to see houskeeping leaving her room I went and looked in and as I have done so many times before I marvelled at how brillant they are at making it look as if no one was ever there,clean,fresh smelling and ready again for staff to place an in-coming person. Sometimes tears well up and you get to be so professional that you just dab the corners of your eyes,a Brillant young woman lived in this room and she died there tonight I thought,she graced us all so many times,so funny,so smart ,caring,loving and in what seemed all too short of a time was gone.I hear many times some very well meaing Christain folks saying'Just Pray" or 'If it be the Will Of God" He can do anything,in this matter I honestly don't know if I should shake them or leave them alone,what will you say when "GOD says NO'"When for all intents and Purposes God seems to be unmoved by your prayers"Its a bit like praying for God to only allwo your team to win at baseball or football? What if God is not a sports fan?I love it when I read in the Bible about how God will begin His own Housekeeping in His own House First,making ti clean and refreshed again with true Saints and those whom He has personally walked with oh not that we'd ever recognise them,some of us who look for glory or awards or the immediate fix for all thats Bad in our lives,notice I include Me in there,just so you'll get the message.I fell in love with this Young woman as if she were my own child,I missed her deeply and still do she and her Tinkerbelle laugh,I used to say"So they sent you back "TINK" To Me So I can abuse you again" eveil laugh there,she'd smile and put her brave face on. Sometimes God wants us to grow and although many times we get answers to our life's delimmas sometimes He does say "NO" afterall we are the ones in need of refining OUR Characters,not Him.For me in my Life I haven't met the challenge of removing all the areas of discord with God in my life,I still question His rationale so I am a sinner big time but I have never turned my back on Him ever for if I can but listen more deeply to the still quiet words to my Souls Heart He is speaking to it will all become crystal clear.I have had to do a bit of my own Housekeeping inside myself so I could drop my weight,which my weight lay in many patterns inside,so I saught them out and its strange but as in all the scales being dropped from my eyes why I put those aside I will never know but lets just imagine God had a Grander Design for me as I sit here in a one Horse town..I am still maintaining my holding pattern at 157 not seemingly going anywhere but new friends seem to say I am losing inches,maybe God has some more housekeeping yet to do..I am less detail oriented today I have learned to mowsey,I have learned to stop the struggle against the natural order of the stream of life,I have been given a gift of time,yes time is a gift a vastly under-estimated gift my dear one.So there it is the ramblings of a former Nurse who lives out here on a range a Sea of scrub catus and purple hill being covered by intermitted snows and frosts,between two Volcanos Lassen and Shasta,rolling gentle slopes of golden grass and my beloved Husband taking his daily nap.When I step out of my domain to look at the nightly starry display nothing on this Earth seems to be able to stir me as much as those skies and how really very small we all are and while our problems seem larger than life to us at the moment we are going through them we need to step aside and pray and be small,and trust in the Grand Design ,Trust in the Housekeeping being done and be a Sparrow..hugs,linda kay
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