Bodies & awareness and such.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I've been getting weekly body work from a student of the Grinberg Method. (It's called somantic... ok, whatever! here's the link.)
Wow. He is shaking, stirring, and moving me in new directions. I'm actually having some new difficulties with my body cause he is moving me past my comfort zones. I'm not sure how to explain it to ME, much less to you, but he is helping me to be aware of ways in which my body has armored itself against previous injuries- ways in which I've been holding on to my scar tissues of sorts. So... deep, deep tissue massage, and verbal work at the same time, and getting deeply into my body, and being aware. I've had 2 occasions now where when he was done, my back spasmed madly, letting me know of an area that I hadn't been aware of at all, at all, before. Upper back- what am I holding in?
He is also encouraging me to explore my pain, to explore what it going on- to feel my fears, and angers, and damage.
Interesting work.
He asked me 'what do I most want to work on?', and like I usually to, I came up with a shaggy dog story about my goals. Here it is.
I was walking up the hilly place that I love with my daughter. We had both said that we were kind of sore, and planned to go slowly. So, we are walking up hill for about 45 minutes, & I say, 'bout time to turn around', and she says, 'no, I want to walk to the end this time, I've never done the whole thing'. Now, I coulda shoulda told her we were only 1/2 way, but I didn't. (I've walked to the end before, and I knew.) We kept walking, and I said 'it's going to be dark on the way back'. But, she wanted to walk to the end, so we kept going. We kept going, we kept going, and she says 'maybe we ought to turn back', but in my head, she wants to get to the end, and I've set my own head there, and I say, 'naw, let's keep going'.... er, I could have told her we had another 1/2 mile to the turn around, but, naw, I didn't. So... we finally get to the end up the up hill, and turn around, and it suddenly really hits me WHY I said it would be dark on the way back. There's no moon, & I don't have my head lamp, and it's a hilly, dirt trail overhung with trees, and my night vision isn't is as good as it used to be. Hmmm..... so I tell her that she gets to keep me on the trail, cause my night vision isn't as good as it used to be. Just- a light touch to keep me on track. So... we are walking back down the trail. And ZOOM! I get hit with a wave of fear that clenches me up tight as a drum, my whole body tense. Cause- I'm now afraid of falling. I never used to be afraid of falling. But once you get injured a few times badly, and get older, and things take longer to repair... well, now I'm pretty darn afraid of falling down. And, thanks to my body work stuff, I stayed with the fear and the tension, and let it talk to me.
Net result- I decided to work on keeping loose, and open, and relaxed. I worked on staring up instead of down- cause your night vision is better that way. I worked on NOT knowing where my feet would go, or exactly what the surface was, and just letting each foot find the earth, find it's way, with no big prejudgments. Keep the hips open, the legs loose, like that.
IF- I can walk without looking, loose, knowing and trusting the earth is there, with a gentle guide keeping me off the cliff- then I can walk pretty darn fast, and looking like it's daytime. I can walk safely, easily. I only hit one rather large bump that challenged my journey- breathe, it's ok- the other ruts and ups and downs were traversed smoothly.
AND- well, that's what I want in my life. To know that right now, my life is a walk in the dark, not knowing where I am going, and staying loose, but fully aware and prepared.
To truly be 'braced' for life, is to hold muscle tension, to have an imbalance. It's to have expectations that have to be met to be comfortable.
To stay relaxed, aware, and loose, and accepting the unknown, the new thing that is coming, that is not coming, to get what I get and accept it. Yeah.
To work on my flexibility- in all ways.
Life- it's a walk in the dark at times.
Sashay. Enjoy the dance.
Maybe I'll fall, or maybe not. Either way, if I'm as loose as I can be, I won't be as injured. Funny truth, that, huh? If we tense up and brace ourselves in a fall- we get hurt MORE, not less. How come the body locks up with fear, when getting loose is what will save us? Loose- but directed. Loose, but aimed. Yeah, like that.
We got down the hill. It was wonderful. I really enjoyed myself, and my daughter, and getting to the top, and going down. It was wonderful.
Like that!
The long days of work, the body work, the changes in my household- well, I've not been on the computer as much as before. No worries. I'm still here, still doing the journey.
Life is good.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    you are poetry in motion and words.
    3632 days ago
    Life is good.
    And you're, as always, growing upward and into it!
    Sending you good vibes for plenty healing, breaking of scar tissue, gentling, and getting in seriously good shape!
    3634 days ago
  • _VALEO_
    There are so many meanings in your story, you have really opened up yourself.
    I like your analogy of the walk in the night.
    In fact, I like to walk when it is dark, when everyone is sleeping; all our senses are on the look-out, you really have to be more careful, and more attentive to the here and now.

    The Grinberg method seems great. I checked your link and found out they have some trainers in Switzerland. You have to tell us more about it.
    3636 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/18/2010 3:43:10 PM
    I like teh analogy of walking in the dark. I've been doing bodywork for a few years and I;m always amazed at the emotions that sometimes get stirred up.
    3636 days ago
    (Young) Muhammad Ali! That's how you need to carry yourself.
    Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee!
    I need to do that, too. Thanks for the emoticon

    3637 days ago
    I love your posts! They make me actually *think* and that's a wonderful challenge to me. I also love your attitude, especially about being open to new ways of processing the samem old information, but in a new direction, to give you a new perspective! Luvya and hugz sis!
    3637 days ago
    Thank you. Just did a mess of stretching in lieu of other exercise and you're expressing some of what I'm feeling - that dynamic tension.

    I'm going to have to re-read this though. You've put a lot here.
    3637 days ago
    Wonderful analogy.

    And very like my experience of whitewater kayaking. I can try to anticipate what's going to happen, but I'm new at this and don't read water terribly well yet, and find myself having to react quickly to changing circumstances. And finding that a little fear actually puts me on my "A" game, keeps me alert and responsive.

    And literally having to roll with it when I get tipped over. LOL

    Maybe that's one of the reasons it appeals to me - because it feels so real and true.
    3637 days ago
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