I've been getting weekly body work from a student of the Grinberg Method. (It's called somantic... ok, whatever! www.grinbergmethod.com/
here's the link.)
Wow. He is shaking, stirring, and moving me in new directions. I'm actually having some new difficulties with my body cause he is moving me past my comfort zones. I'm not sure how to explain it to ME, much less to you, but he is helping me to be aware of ways in which my body has armored itself against previous injuries- ways in which I've been holding on to my scar tissues of sorts. So... deep, deep tissue massage, and verbal work at the same time, and getting deeply into my body, and being aware. I've had 2 occasions now where when he was done, my back spasmed madly, letting me know of an area that I hadn't been aware of at all, at all, before. Upper back- what am I holding in?
He is also encouraging me to explore my pain, to explore what it going on- to feel my fears, and angers, and damage.
He asked me 'what do I most want to work on?', and like I usually to, I came up with a shaggy dog story about my goals. Here it is.
I was walking up the hilly place that I love with my daughter. We had both said that we were kind of sore, and planned to go slowly. So, we are walking up hill for about 45 minutes, & I say, 'bout time to turn around', and she says, 'no, I want to walk to the end this time, I've never done the whole thing'. Now, I coulda shoulda told her we were only 1/2 way, but I didn't. (I've walked to the end before, and I knew.) We kept walking, and I said 'it's going to be dark on the way back'. But, she wanted to walk to the end, so we kept going. We kept going, we kept going, and she says 'maybe we ought to turn back', but in my head, she wants to get to the end, and I've set my own head there, and I say, 'naw, let's keep going'.... er, I could have told her we had another 1/2 mile to the turn around, but, naw, I didn't. So... we finally get to the end up the up hill, and turn around, and it suddenly really hits me WHY I said it would be dark on the way back. There's no moon, & I don't have my head lamp, and it's a hilly, dirt trail overhung with trees, and my night vision isn't is as good as it used to be. Hmmm..... so I tell her that she gets to keep me on the trail, cause my night vision isn't as good as it used to be. Just- a light touch to keep me on track. So... we are walking back down the trail. And ZOOM! I get hit with a wave of fear that clenches me up tight as a drum, my whole body tense. Cause- I'm now afraid of falling. I never used to be afraid of falling. But once you get injured a few times badly, and get older, and things take longer to repair... well, now I'm pretty darn afraid of falling down. And, thanks to my body work stuff, I stayed with the fear and the tension, and let it talk to me.
Net result- I decided to work on keeping loose, and open, and relaxed. I worked on staring up instead of down- cause your night vision is better that way. I worked on NOT knowing where my feet would go, or exactly what the surface was, and just letting each foot find the earth, find it's way, with no big prejudgments. Keep the hips open, the legs loose, like that.
IF- I can walk without looking, loose, knowing and trusting the earth is there, with a gentle guide keeping me off the cliff- then I can walk pretty darn fast, and looking like it's daytime. I can walk safely, easily. I only hit one rather large bump that challenged my journey- breathe, it's ok- the other ruts and ups and downs were traversed smoothly.
AND- well, that's what I want in my life. To know that right now, my life is a walk in the dark, not knowing where I am going, and staying loose, but fully aware and prepared.
To truly be 'braced' for life, is to hold muscle tension, to have an imbalance. It's to have expectations that have to be met to be comfortable.
To stay relaxed, aware, and loose, and accepting the unknown, the new thing that is coming, that is not coming, to get what I get and accept it. Yeah.
To work on my flexibility- in all ways.
Life- it's a walk in the dark at times.
Sashay. Enjoy the dance.
Maybe I'll fall, or maybe not. Either way, if I'm as loose as I can be, I won't be as injured. Funny truth, that, huh? If we tense up and brace ourselves in a fall- we get hurt MORE, not less. How come the body locks up with fear, when getting loose is what will save us? Loose- but directed. Loose, but aimed. Yeah, like that.
We got down the hill. It was wonderful. I really enjoyed myself, and my daughter, and getting to the top, and going down. It was wonderful.
The long days of work, the body work, the changes in my household- well, I've not been on the computer as much as before. No worries. I'm still here, still doing the journey.
Life is good.