CALLIKIA

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A Baby in Need of Some Bathwater - W8.D3

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I fell apart last night. Honestly, I did. I threw a temper tantrum in my kitchen while I prepared Ranch Cheddar Burgers (which everyone loved - even Ethan who snubbed his nose at them when he saw the green onion, but went back for a second one after the first one was inhaled. You can find the recipe at SparkRecipes - I'd only suggest reducing the amount of dry ranch dressing mix to maybe half an envelope...it was a little overkill for my taste).

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"I have to do everything around here!"
"You sit around doing nothing all day and get paid more than me!"
"I'm at some worthless desk job that I hate where there's drama all day and I drive an hour to get there and an hour back when I really would rather be at home weeding the garden or walking or going swimming, or even sleeping for those two hours!"
"And I went to college for nothing...you know that? I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to. I worked full-time and I went to school full-time, and I worked for the paper - which I hate most days, but I do it because it's a writing gig and is supposed to make my resume look better."
"And I get paid pennies for the work I do. And I hate it. I just hate it."
"I got every honor I could have gotten in college. Summa Cum Laude, top in my class. Seriously - what more could I have done! I was the friggin' president of TWO honor societies, for crying out loud!"
"And I maintained a 4.0 for three years! THREE YEARS of busting my butt and not getting enough sleep and feeling like I was going to fall apart...for what?"
"Oh, I know...so I can sit at the same desk I was at before and do the same meaningless work I did before. And be everyone's B&#($ at work! Now they've got me working in another department where I've added a ton more work and training and two more bosses, basically."
"How much is one person supposed to take on without getting a raise? Oh, but I forgot - I'm just a stupid state government employee who does nothing and the stupid taxpayers in this po-dunk state have decided that we don't NEED raises, because...you know, we don't even really DO anything."
"Maybe the rest of the people don't do anything - but I do stuff! I'm constantly doing stuff! I'm stretched to the max working in 3 different departments and trying to wear 40 different hats...but the taxpayers decide that I'm not even worth a teachers salary. At least they get the summers off!"
"Don't I deserve more than this? Who decided that this is all I'm worth? Why did they get to decide? I put in resume after resume and nothing. No calls. No emails. NOTHING. I spend hours looking for work - and there are plenty of postings in the publishing field right now, let me tell you - but apparently I'm not good enough for them. Why not? Why can't I ever be good enough for something worthwhile?"
"What am I good for? I wasn't good enough for grad school...now I'm not good enough for a job in any field remotely related to what I want to do with my life? Why did I go through three years of hell if I wasn't good enough for anything?"
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It went on like that for about 20 minutes or so. Sobbing and slamming patties together to stick on the grill. (I'm a great multitasker.) But then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over.

Now I have no idea what is going on. I know I'm stressing right now over work (duh! that's obvious) and the fact that hubby is doing something for himself on the internet and making more money than me most days...and I just got my check where they took out like 1/3 of it for taxes and insurance...which he doesn't have to pay. I've been working toward one singular goal for so long and nothing has turned out like it was supposed to. And now I'm just stagnant. And I *hate* being stagnant. Before this job I didn't stay anywhere longer than 8 months because I couldn't take the stagnant feeling of it. I've been where I am now for nearly 4 years and I'm done. I was done years ago, but I held onto it because they let me go to school and I thought that would mean something some day. But now I'm here twiddling my thumbs and wondering whether it was all worth it or not.

I am SO hoping that outburst was due to the injection of hormones I was given on Friday (Depo shot), but if not I'm not sure what to do. I'm doing what I can to find a job - and having a husband who isn't really "working" and two kids to support, I can't do what I want to do and just pack up and leave. So I'm in limbo. Stagnant.

All this made it very hard to get out of bed this morning. I haven't done anything I should be doing yet. I didn't get my walk in yet, either - which irks me. All I really wanted to do was to wake up somewhere else - NYC maybe ...to put on my gear and take a early morning walk in Central Park before showering, jumping on the subway and heading to my office in a really tall and shiny building, busting my butt all day - ordering in for lunch from a terrific deli that is probably just right across the street - and then walking the many blocks home to get some extra exercise in. At home I would cook a fabulous healthy dinner, feed my family, and then catch up on some emails or something until it was time for bed. Instead, I woke up in my fake panelled room with the sound of rain and gloom outside, fog rolling in making it hard to catch your breath, laundry half done, a toilet that doesn't like to flush, and countless other annoyances. It will get better...or it won't. I just wish I knew where my hole was right now...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ANGELLYBELLY
    I. totally. feel. you.
    *hugs*

    I keep wondering where the life I thought I signed up for was.. lol.

    But every now and then I take heart to what my yoga teacher always says at the end of his class..

    "You are living your dream, don't let it pass you by. Namaste"


    4019 days ago
  • CALLIKIA
    Okay, have to thank you all for pulling me up by my bootstraps, pulling my hair like the red-headed step-child that I am and telling me to "sit down and shut up" ...as well as the support. I'm better. I got new shoes and plan on walking in them tonight (it's just a short 15 minute walk so I can totally break them in!). Then I'll do some inStride cycle and push myself to do 45 minutes or more. And, if I feel up to it, I'll follow that with some relaxation yoga, which I totally need right now! Also thinking of stopping by the gym in town (that I thought had closed down! *lol*) and seeing what their equipment is like and what their prices are. They're open until 9pm, which fits my crazy schedule here at work! SCORE!

    I'm better now. I got it out, I had some Starbucks. I feel like running! I still hate my job, but I need to do it because I'm what's holding this family together right now. Already sent out one resume today and have 3 more to send before the day is over. Then have at least 10 to finish up this week for higher paying jobs with the State. (If I'm not going to get to do what I want, then I'm at least going to find something that pays better! I did all that work for SOMETHING darn it!)
    4019 days ago
  • TEAM-SARAH
    Let me remind you that the grass is always greener. I walk to my job downtown (not New York, but Chicago) or take public transportation to a shiny high rise office building and that doesn't make the job I do once I'm inside any less mind numbingly boring. I still am not doing what I spent for years studying to do or anything I ever thought i'd do with my life. I've been stuck for 2 years, not 4... but I can relate to that at least. Ultimate you have to seek out the job you will be happy doing, that makes it all worth it. I'm still looking for what that is myself. I understand the need to arbitrarily change jobs for the sake of getting away and doing something else. But after a while, the same feelings will creep up if it's not what you really want. maybe giving yourself some kind of drive and purpose outside of it, and working toward figuring out how to do what you'd really like will make the time you spend at work less awful. Just a way to pay the bills while you're working toward __________. Good luck :)
    4019 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    I swear, I think it was a full moon yesterday - me, my husband, and our 6-year-old all had bad days, and we were all at each others' throats last night! Thank goodness for a new day and a fresh start. Hang in there!
    4019 days ago
  • RAVENSONG37
    Remember love, your job...just like your weight...is not YOU. I totally hear all your frustration and it's warranted, but you can't value yourself based on your job title, salary, weight, car, house, etc. Maybe I have said this before, but I try to remember that "expectations are premeditated resentments". Believe that you will be fulfilled in your career and it will happen, but don't get hung up on specific details/time lines. Its all gonna happen when it's supposed to! P.S. Take some time to celebrate all the accomplishments you have made! You are one smarty pants and that's something not a lot of people can say!!

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    4019 days ago
  • KNOWMOREBBK
    It must have been "Spark Tantrum Night" last night. I went off last night on a mini-T myself. I'm constantly annoyed that my son idolizes his father (my-ex), who does nothing... literally nothing...to take care of him. I'm the one who sacrifices everything and Disneyland Dad gets all the rewards. I try to be so supportive of their relationship and I don't want my son to ever think badly of his father, but the man is a complete AH. My episode lasted a whole 10 minutes after my son went to bed. There I am, yelling at NO ONE but the watermelon that I was cutting up for my son to snack on for breakfast the next morning. I was yelling at a watermelon....A WATERMELON! Take heart, we all have crap days. You are young and there is bound to be a job out there that will one day make you happier.
    4019 days ago
  • JESSASAURUSFLEX
    I really identified with you in this post. Granted, I don't have children.. which I know makes your whole situation more complex. I too wish I could escape my life on a regular basis.. and whereas I love my husband, when things get tough I imagine running away and having a whirlwind romance... with a guy who really understands me. lol Fantasy's are great until you have have reality knocking on your door.

    Just this morning, my coworker and I are sitting in our dark classroom... most things taken off the walls, relaxing... and we were bombarded my the principal yelling at us for taking things down... yet, we have no kids to teach?? what the eff??
    4019 days ago
  • PRETTYMANDI
    Good for you that you let it out! I always stuff my emotions. Preferably with something of the chocolate variety and then wake up still feeling crappy, still unable to voice what's going on, and now hating myself on top of it.
    4019 days ago
  • RUNNINGNP2B
    Aww babe, it's ok to have days like that. Although if you do the NYC thing, I'M COMING TOO. Sounds amazing :D

    As for the job front, it's annoying. It's disappointing, with all the work you put into school, and yourself for that matter...but unfortunately it happens. What do you think you can do to change it? Maybe delegate some of those 40 hats you wear to some different people?

    It's funny how having a temper tantrum is sometimes exactly what we need to start feeling better. It's a purging of all those negative emotions, get them the hell on out, and then you start to feel better. Clears the air so to speak so you can refocus on what does make you happy.

    I know it's not a deli in NYC (makes me so incredibly happy) but what can you do now that will make you happy???

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    4019 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    Can I move with you? We can be roomies. Sounds awesome. Cause I think I'm working the same place you are! But Kristina is right, look at all the good things you have (hubby, kids!) and it will make you feel better!
    ~Ang
    4019 days ago
  • DREAPRADO
    Sometimes we get into these "moods" and no one even knows where they came from...I had a milder tantrum like this with my husband last night too...when we're stressed anything can set us off. But I always try to remind myself that it wll pass, hopefully he will hear the desperation in my voice when I'm asking for help, hopefully the kids will learn to help out more, hopefully everything will just smooth itself out...usually it does. Work drama sucks, but even that usually works itself out. I know its hard in an office environment (I've been there) but try to keep positive and your reward will come soon enough...in the form of another job or a promotion or just peace =)
    4019 days ago
  • KARVY09
    I hope the outburst helped you get out everything! I had the same issue (over going to great schools and having big dreams and not being able to find a job...) and I let it simmer for over a year before I was finally be able to let go and appreciate the things I DO have going for me. I should have done what you did and just had a good cry and wrote it out!

    I wish nothing but the best for you and hope you are able to find something more fulfilling!
    4019 days ago
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