ZIRCADIA

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Back to Tracking!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well -- I'm apparently not quite ready to be without tracking so I'm going back to it again. Who knows for how long.

I know I have made the statement before that if I need to track for years and years so be it. And I really do believe that. It's a hard reality to face, but it's the truth. Being fit and healthy is more important to me than being free from tracking. I would LIKE not tracking to be an eventual reality for me, but I don't NEED for it to be. What I DO NEED is not to be overweight or unhealthy.

I feel good about my time without tracking - learning about my tendencies and exploring emotional issues that I didn't realize were there because they were being minimized (so much so that I barely realized I had any!) by tracking. However, yesterday the scale hit my WARNINGWARNINGWARNING number so the calories are going back in the books.

I AM still going to make a strong effort to work on some of these things.

And there is one big reason I think I have been struggling again -- eating on the couch in front of the TV. YEP! You haven't heard me mention eating at the table for a while now, have you??? That's because I stopped. I said - screw this I'm lonely and uncomfortable sitting over here and this is stupid I'm going to eat where I want to eat!

But apparently being "where I want to eat" for a long time made me uh.. .eat. more. HAHAAHA. *sigh* I get the feeling I will eventually graduate to a no-TV-during mealtimes eater...

But for right now, I'm going to go back to my original parameters of no food on the couches in front of the TV unless it's like popcorn or hot chocolate. And I'm not buying anymore hot chocolate this go around to the store that's for sure! :) And I will strive to be mindful of my emotional eating tendencies etc. - but I will still go back to tracking because I cannot tolerate my weight climbing. Just not gonna happen.

I have a lifetime to work on my emotional/boredom/stress eating issues - I want to at least remain at a healthy weight while doing so.

It's SO HARD to do this because it feels like failure, but I think the real failure would be to ignore the signs and keep making the same mistakes when I know there is something I can do to fix it. I talked to DH about this all yesterday and he was very supportive. :)

As for right now -- I'm gonna go run. Probably not very far... today is usually a rest day and I want to stay on the rest of my running schedule this week (tue-thur, Sat, sun) If possible - Sunday was going to be an evening run and when I went to check the temps I just got completely deflated of motivation.

95 with a feels like of 105. At 6pm. And not getting much cooler. The middle of the night low was 76. YEAH. Soooooo I said sCREW THAT CRAP I'M STAYING HOME! hahahaha. But now I've gotta face the music.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LIFE_IS_SO_GOOD
    I think you are showing signs of tremendous inner growth. It's hard to face the truth but it's the only way we heal.

    You may or may not track forever but I would bet money that you are going to stay at a healthy weight and be amazingly fit until you are no longer breathing!
    3469 days ago
  • HEALTHY4CAROLYN
    You said it: "real failure would be to ignore the signs and keep making the same mistakes when I know there is something I can do to fix it." And thanks for the reminder because after 7 days of vacation and not tracking a few weeks before that to "try it on my own" has given me two extra pounds!!!
    3469 days ago
  • SKYFYRE
    yeah, I have been tracking the last couple of days, too. Good to face the truth, and reasons for not meeting my goals. I really like that you are looking on the bright side and realizeing that you are doing good for yourself, and that, my friend, means self respect! Good on ya!
    3470 days ago
  • RUN_LIFT_EAT
    We are having the same heat wave here, it is craziness!

    Listen, I say you do whatever you need to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy, Dana! Like you said, if you have to track forever, so what? Better than being unhealthy!

    I highly recommend eating dinner at the table. I have started being better about really working on the presentation even when it is just Jake and me, but that is because I have tons of time this summer, so might as well enjoy it while we can. I do eat pretty much every other meal in front of the computer (often while sparking) I know that isn't good, but I swear it makes me slow down, whereas if it was just me and the food? I think I would eat too fast, I don't know?
    3470 days ago
  • SEEHOLZ
    I think you are brave to try to do what's best! Truthfully, somewhere in the back of my mind, I'd like to be free of tracking, too, but realistically, I feel like I've done too much damage to myself over the last 9 years- mainly year 2 and 3) that I can't make the past (my anorexia, my extreme binging, all that eating/noneating crap) go away and I've come to terms with the fact that tracking does keep me from going off the deep end completely. To me, it's just something I do know, not something I think about too much, which is not good either, because oftentimes it does not face me that I eat too much... as in yes, it bothers me, but I still do it, so the tracking does not necessarily keep me from it like most other people. In that sense, the tool is kind of broken. That said, I'm learning a lot about my STRESS eating. Now, that I'm on vacation, my eating is a LOT better! Granted, I'm exercising less ( but walking a lot, so staying active) and that has definitely something to do with it, as well. But, it's something that I need to break through if I want to keep my weight under control.
    My point is that this is an IMPORTANT topic to me and that I can really relate to what you are saying... deep down. As I said, tracking is completely nonthreatening to me, like brushing teeth. If I put it into perspective and on that level, I really wished I didn't have to bruth my teeth either and at least the truth is that I can stop tracking while I can't stop brushing my teeth without negative consequences, so there is more hope with regards to tracking and hence it's even less threatening, you know.
    As for eating infront of the TV, that's a problem for a lot of people- my son has an issue with just mindlessly snacking infront of the TV, so not tread it. Anyways, keep working on figuring out what works, what makes you happy and also realize that hard core exercise IS going to make you a lot more hungry!
    Thinking of you!!!
    3470 days ago
  • SIMPLE_TAILOR
    Eating in front of the TV is a huge thing. I can see where that makes a big difference. If you eat away from distraction, it reduces the chance of mindless eating.
    3471 days ago
  • KRISCHICK
    Som many great comments already. All I have to add is my own knowledge of myself that I will need to track again and again and again because when I stop I gain weight no matter how active I am. I like to eat. I like food... not, take that back - I LOVE to eat and I LOVE food. So there you have it - we need to track and that doesn't make us failures, just very wise :)
    3471 days ago
  • KNH771
    It's SO HARD to do this because it feels like failure, but I think the real failure would be to ignore the signs and keep making the same mistakes when I know there is something I can do to fix it.

    So true! I think it takes more courage to admit that something is not working than to stubbornly look away.

    3471 days ago
  • SWEETZMIX
    Much work to do indeed. We all do, but every day there is a little progress. Things we realize that we never realized before. We are now more willing to face the truth. Things will get better on this front...no worries.
    3471 days ago
  • SWEATONCEADAY
    yikes it is HOT out there. take care of yourself on your run. tracking can be good too. in a perferct world we wouldn't need to but this world is so not perfect lol. i track most days now too again. i guess i didn't track for a good 20 years of my life so it is something that may take just as long to learn??? i hope not. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
    3471 days ago
  • TELERIE
    Thanks for keeping it real always, Dana, and you're right, it IS a small price to pay to keep at the weight we desire! I have a way to go still to get to my goal, but I agree with what CJ says below - I think of this as a forever PROCESS and not and EVENT. I imagine I will keep on tracking always (at least sporadically) - especially when I have new food/new portions/new meals that I rarely eat. Most days I have the same breakfast/lunch and can skip tracking those. Awareness, acknowledgement and honesty - that's what tracking does for me. emoticon
    3471 days ago
  • PRINCESSNURSE
    I wish I could get to a place where I don't have to track my calories and don't have to think about my food/micromanage my food consumption constantly, but the sad truth is I really think that in my case I will need to do this for the rest of my life to achieve and maintain my health goals. Do I wish it were different? Yes. Does wishing make it different? No. I think just being able to admit that we need to track is a big thing-we will succeed!

    3471 days ago
  • CJROMB
    So...last time I had a seminar about how I lost 50 pounds (which I hold specifically to make sure I keep that 50 OFF)...someone complained about the effort they have to put in for the rest of their lives, and how bored they are with all the exercise and tracking...

    And I got this HUGE ah-ha, immediately, like a bolt of lightning. The truth is, for those of us who've struggled with weight, it's not a CHOICE and it's not an EVENT. We don't get to CHOOSE whether or not to struggle with our weight. We only get to CHOOSE if we win or not. And it's not an EVENT. It's a process. A life-long process, a forever habit that we must adopt.

    Because the truth is, underneath it all, I'd sure rather spend all that time being bored with tracking and all the other stuff it takes to KEEP it off, over spending all that time begin bored (and disappointed) that I have to track and do all that other stuff to get it off AGAIN.

    Maintainance isn't fun. But going back to overweight is the middle circle of the nastiest hell I can imagine.

    Thanx for sharing this blog. And thanx for the inspiration to get my hiney out today, to run on the trail in the heat, even though it's a bit boring and I'm crazy tired. I needed the reminder of how important it is to keep up those habits I know work.
    3471 days ago
  • KEAKMAN
    "It's SO HARD to do this because it feels like failure, but I think the real failure would be to ignore the signs and keep making the same mistakes when I know there is something I can do to fix it. "

    Failing would be stupidly insisting that you don't need to track when you know that you do. Makes me think of my dad after his accident and he would insist that he could do it by himself and would land on his head trying to get out of bed, or nearly crash the wheelchair getting out of the van. Sometiems we need help. End of story.

    I NEED to track and weigh and measure my food. I HATE it. But I NEED it. TIme for me to quit falling out of bed on my head, too!

    Happy running my friend - I'll send you some cool weather if you want...
    3471 days ago
  • DECIWOMAN
    I don't think that going back to tracking is a failure. That you had the courage to try it without is amazing to me. I know that if I wouldn't track I would gainwhat little I lost right away. So I think what you did was amazingly courageous and then having the courage to admit that you are not ready yet to do without ... you have my respect!!!

    I know you can do it! And just think of what you have done already! Thanks for sharing!
    3471 days ago
  • FLUTTER-BY)L(
    Please, please, please don't consider yourself a failure. I admire so much of what you have done. I want to do it too and not feel like it is hopeless.

    If you went back to the weight you came from that MIGHT be failure. But learning to maintain is success. You are doing it. You have accomplished so much. Now you just have to learn how to do what it is going to take to stay at a healthy weight.

    You are emoticon my emoticon

    emoticon
    3471 days ago
  • MBSHAZZER
    Dana, I don't believe going back to tracking is a failure at all. In fact, I think it's a HUGE success. Failure would be to ignore your warning signs and to continue to gain weight. I also don't think you will be "stuck" tracking calories forever. Getting a handle on your relationship with food and the underlying emotional issues is not something that happens overnight. If you need to track while you are exploring these issues, that's fine! Like you said, before hand, you were not really aware of the issues because you were tracking. Now that you know what you need to work on, you can use tracking as a great tool to stay in control while you work on the issues.

    I am sooooo with you on the heat! It's oppressive! 82 degrees here at 6am. GAH! Stay cool!
    3471 days ago
  • GRYFFINSONG
    I agree with you that the real failure would be to ignore the signs and continue with less healthy habits. Good on ya for recognizing the danger signs and re-committing to the tools that will help you keep on track.

    You're a brave, gutsy, beautiful woman, and you deserve a brilliant, healthy future!!!

    emoticon
    3471 days ago
  • DANCEWITHJULI
    I think that its the way you look at tracking. I track about 4-5 days a week. Monday thru thursday, and usually during the day on Friday (dinner rarely makes the cut). BUT by doing so, i have gotten good at knowing what i can and can't eat and how much. So on the weekends, although i'm not tracking, i'm still in the "proportion mode" and know how to control it. I don't look at tracking as a restriction, or else it would be tedious and i'd resent it. Instead I look at it as just a daily activity (quick thing i do at work) just like filling up the water bottles, packing lunch, doing the dishes, or working out. Its not FUN persay, but its not terrible either.

    I think you'll do really well tracking and getting back on... track. ;) Its not a punishment, its just a tool to put some numbers with that food. Don't sweat it girl, you'll regain all the control again in no time!
    3471 days ago
  • RDARLING
    You can do this! I also need to be more committed to tracking. I think I know how much I am eating but I honestly have no idea!

    Hope you had a great run today!
    3471 days ago
  • 4A-HEALTHY-BMI
    Yay tracking.

    I'm struggling with the slide into my old habits, and don't like the results, either.

    At least we know what works and that we can go back to it. Sticking with it seems to be an issue for me at the moment.

    About the hot chocolate, there *is* a kind I've found that is less dangerous - Nestle makes a fat free hot cocoa mix with 20 calories per envelope. It's not always easy to find in the local stores, so I sometimes order it from Amazon.
    http://www.amazon.com/gp
    /product/B000EMPNCE/?tag=manifo
    lds-20
    3471 days ago
  • KARVY09
    Have a good run! Tracking's not that bad. Figure 10 minutes a day, right? What's that versus your health?

    Good luck with your no food on the couch goal!
    3471 days ago
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