So what is really going on?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I would love to report a weight loss, and actually I have lost weight in the last couple of weeks, but I can't report it because I am still 3 pounds heavier than my last reported Spark weigh in. The truth is that I gained 12 pounds in less than 3 months and I have no one nor anything to blame but myself and my actions. I can claim limited mobility and that would be true, but there are other ways of exercising. I could even adjust my food intake to compensate. I know all this, so why was I not doing it? What is really going on? Why do I come to a point of success and stop? Do I truly want to lose weight? Now that last question caused me to pause and ponder.
There have been reports that suggest that food is sometimes used as a coping mechanism, and although I would like to say that I am above that, I decided to take a look and try to understand why and when do I eat. Each day I would make a meal plan and many times I would be successful in sticking to it, but there were times when I would sabotage my efforts, or just skip the efforts altogether. That is not a recipe for success, if success is what I truly want. So I decided to take a good introspective look at myself and specifically at those times when eating mindlessly seemed to get the better of me. As I became more aware of my actions I realized that in addition to healthy eating, I was also indulging in mindless snacking.
An example would be when I'm on a deadline with a report. Nuts would be my companion. I would snack on nuts as I ponder a thought, and even have a conversation with myself to justify or argue eating more. One regular excuse would be that I usually plan my meals at the low end of the range so a handful of nuts would not hurt. But one handful is usually not enough and eventually I close my mind to how much I might have eaten. As healthy as they might be, too much of anything is bad. Nuts are now banned from my house. Until I am healthy enough to control my urges, I have to remove addictive foods from my reach.
That's my what, but what is my why? Why do I sabotage my weight loss? In my mind I want to lose weight, so why do I lose and then regress? What am I afraid of that is causing me to hide behind my weight? Therapists have suggested that food might be a coping tool to deal with moods, and some studies have reported that weight retention might have far-reaching psychological ties. Although I cannot think of any traumatic events in my life that might cause me to self-medicate on food, I am accepting the research and working on understanding why I resort to food when I am not experiencing hunger, and how I can break that cycle.
I have not yet found the answer, but I'm waging war on this psychosis that I am experiencing. I have to lose three more pounds to get back to where I left off and almost 70 pounds to goal. As I read Spark Pages and see how many members have lost 70+ pounds I am inspired by the possibility of achieving my goal. It's totally unacceptable to come this far to fail; and I refuse to have a pity party with myself or make excuses why I am not losing. I am not even accepting the plateau theory; if this way is not working, I'll try another, but I am not sitting still any longer nor giving up, and I don't need to take a break. It's on. Maintaining my obesity is not an option; I joined Spark to lose weight, and I have to remain mindful of that fact.