Where I'm at... and it's not good

Sunday, June 13, 2010

First, I'm not happy about spending an hour typing all of my emotions out and because I used a cursed word (heck) to tell myself to wake the heck up, the spark system wiped out the entire post. That's not right, folks. Come on, just tell me to take it out but don't delete my entire post.


I'm UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like the way I look, at 207 pounds, but mostly I hate the way I feel. It hurts. It's not good to be carrying this extra weight around, and it's starting to affect my health. I desperately want to be motivated and to keep up a momentum so that I can become fit - i wouldn't even mind being addicted to physical fitness! Only I keep getting stuck in my head and not making ANY progress. I'm sure I'm feeling depressed, and my feet hurt ALL THE TIME NOW..... I'm mad that I let myself get this way and I'm crazy mad that I cannot stop eating ice cream at night! I have to be stronger than that.

these are some of the thoughts that I keep having that keep me on this merry go round and I WANT OFF!

1. see the doctor and get some diet pills.
2. if he won't help, research how to get them online.
3. i just need to hire a nutritionist and maybe a personal trainer, but i've let too many people down, i'll just let them down too.
4. i really need to join a gym. really? join a gym and waste the money because i won't go because of intimidation. BESIDES, I have two free gyms at my work. FREE!
5. so I'll just buy some clothes so I can be comfortable at the FREE gyms.
6. no, buy a dvd so I can do this in private. buy a zumba dvd. no, that won't work because i tried it on youtube and my bad ankle started hurting after jumping around.
7. if it weren't so hot and humid outside, i could walk. how long 'til Fall?
8. this is stressful, i can't think straight. i need to meditate.
9. meditation helped, but now i feel all alone.

this is just crazy, i'm only 44 and i feel like i've nothing to look forward to. i'm stuck and it's unhealthy. i want to move forward but i don't. i need to wake up and face reality and yet my gut flips just thinking about doing it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't get down on yourself - you have a lot to look forward to. Don't let your surroundings or the things that are going on around you dictate your mood or your attitude and outlook on the future.

    I was afraid to go to the gym for a long time until I decided that I was just as worthy of getting and staying in shape as those skinny people that fo there so I just suck it up and try to ignore them. Some of the fit people are friendly and even helpful and then there are those that feel insulted or act inconveiniced if you even try to talk to them so I just try to convince myself that they weren't the type of people I needed to be around either (they were either too caught up into feeling superior or they were very unhappy and either way I don't need that complication in my life) - so go and know that you are doing something to make your life a lot better and more fun in the long run and just don't let anything or anyone tell you anything different.

    2898 days ago
    Girl YOU CAN DO IT~ When you get mad enough you'll see no other way. Put on an ankle brace, start walking. MAKE A PLAN! Before you do anything for the day look at what you planned and go down the list. Start off small and then PUSH yourself to do more. The hardest part is getting started. Once you get back on a routine it will get easier. How bad do you want it? Are you fed up? Move out of EXCUSE LAND~ Pack your bags baby. We are here right here with ya~
    2898 days ago
    Hi JLYNN,
    I am so sorry your post got wiped out! That is just what you didn't need.

    As I read your thoughts, it makes me feel like you are very wise to think about doing the Beck Diet Solution. It was something that finally worked for me after years and years of getting nowhere. Go to my page and look at my before and after photos. My starting weight is similar to yours. I still have a way to go, but I am actually content to take a little breather at this weight. I know that at some point I will be ready to move down more.

    I hope you can learn to say nicer things to yourself. We will help you. The Beck team is a wonderful bunch!

    You are heading into the rest of your life. It is going to be a combination of millions of tiny decisions. You are not going to be perfect. You are never going to be "done". You will figure out what works for you. Really you will!

    Judi emoticon
    2899 days ago
  • BET212
    I agree with the others about starting with small steps. Often with this journey we knock ourselves down with a lot of negative self talk or set goals with one breath then tell ourselves we can't possibly meet them in the next breath. You can do this. Keep blogging or journal your feelings, set those small goals and check in with your teams as often as you can right now.

    And when that little, nagging voice starts telling you that you can't do this because you have let people down before, tell it to go away; your busy working on your journey for a healthier you and the past be damned! emoticon
    2901 days ago
    Hooboy do I know how you feel! It's ghastly! I think I know which curse-word you used ;)

    Great work listing those thoughts. Let's look for that out.

    1. Diet pills are dangerous. You know that.
    2. Is that legal?
    3. Do you know you will let them down? Do you have a crystal ball? Are you jumping to conclusions here?
    4. See above: do you KNOW you won't go? But really, the free gyms sound awesome!
    5. Buying new gym clothes? YAY! Love an excuse for more exercise kit!
    6. Good to identify a problem area. Bad ankle = no jumping around. BUT this doesn't mean there isn't another class or DVD that you could do. Do the free gyms offer classes that are low-impact? Or check out the chair exercise team if it's too painful!
    7. Hot and humid? Pick your time and get out there! C'mon, I'm an Aussie. Most of the places I've lived have summer for 6-9 months. You gotta work around it. You can do it!
    8. Excellent work on the meditation!
    9. Alone? Jump on spark! We are all here to support you!

    Hopefully somewhere in there is an off-ramp from your merry-go-round, and a whole different set of (hopefully not-so-irritating) thoughts.


    2902 days ago
  • CINDYC53
    Hi! I saw your blog on the Nike's Challenger's Team page and I'd love to be your spark friend. I'm with the folks who have already commented - start with tracking your food. It helps me to plan out my food for the day in the morning, then print it out so I can keep track of it as I go. The less flexibility I have, the better!
    Also, try one of the challenges on our team! Or on Calorie Killers. Small changes that add up. We check in daily, and it helps keep me accountable.
    Once you have a little success, you'll begin to feel stronger & you can build on those successes.
    OH -- and have you read The Spark?? It's awesome!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2902 days ago
    I'd start with one thing, and that would be tracking your food. That BY ITSELF will probably change your eating habits some and you wil start losing some weight. Then I'd pick a small manageable exercise goal. Maybe try the elliptical, it's a good workout and it's low impact so good for someone with ankle problems. Start with 10 minutes, bump it up as you feel you can do more. That's where I started, and now I'm over 30 pounds lighter.

    YOU can do this- teh resources are here! ROCK IT!
    2902 days ago
    GEINAHG0757 is right. You want everything to change overnight. You didn't get to this point in one day and it will take more than one day to feel better. Focus on a sparkstreak. Set something up in your other goals. Something that realistically you can do such as drinking 8 glasses of water a day or plan out your menu for the next day. Then each day when you accomplish that goal you can check it off. As time goes by you will see a real accomplishment that will motivate you to do more. You don't have to start off exercising to a dvd. You can start off by just standing in place and marching during the commercials of your favorite show. And know that your spark friends are here to support you. We have all been there and we all have days when we go back to that dark place. Let us hold you up until you can hold yourself up.

    2902 days ago
  • GEINAHG0757
    You are wanting it all...RIGHT NOW! Take a deep breath and another one. Now, all or nothing mentality is not going to get you where you want to go. Think of 1 (ONE) goal you could accomplish this week. Nothing to big. Accomplish that goal. Next week, keep doing the first goal but add another one. That is what is going to get you where you want to be. It works along the same way that little ones learn to walk. First you crawl, then you cruise, then you walk, then you run! Stop trying to run...focus on some crawling.. Baby steps are for real and they do work.

    Hang in there...you can do this!

    2902 days ago
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