vision versus numbers
Thursday, June 10, 2010
There have been many many times when I’ve caught a reflection of myself and been shocked by it. Although I know that I’m fat (it’s kind of hard to forget,) in my mind, I don’t think of myself as a fat girl. So when I see that reflection, it’s a shocking reminder of “Oh yeah, you aren’t that trim little gal you always think you are.”
And the weird thing is, I’m not under any delusion that I’m thinner than I am….I know how big I am, so why is it always a surprise? I think maybe it’s actually a good thing, I think it means that I don’t limit myself and my self esteem to being just a fat girl. Does that make sense? Although it does hurt time and time again to get that surprise….
The other thing that always surprises me is when I weigh and measure myself. Again, I know the numbers will be high, that shouldn’t be a shock, but seeing the actual numbers sometimes is shocking, and hard to deal with. I sometimes think I should just avoid the scale altogether. But why should it be so shocking? I know what I’m dealing with…and it’s the same body whether I’m looking at it in the mirror or through the horrible statistics of the evil tape measure…there is no difference, yet in my mind there is.
So my viewpoint on my body is quite manic…it goes back and forth. Sometimes I can look at myself and find good points and be happy with how I look, and other times it’s all I can do to not break down and cry when I see the numbers or try on an outfit. It’s very weird to have this relationship with my body…I’m trying to reconcile the vision I have in my head with what’s truly in the mirror, and it’s hard. I don’t want to dislike myself, I want to cherish my body and treat it better, but also be happy with it.
My goal – work at making my body healthy, but also loving it no matter what size it is, and appreciating all it truly does for me. My body is a wonder