RAINLOVER

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vision versus numbers

Thursday, June 10, 2010

There have been many many times when I’ve caught a reflection of myself and been shocked by it. Although I know that I’m fat (it’s kind of hard to forget,) in my mind, I don’t think of myself as a fat girl. So when I see that reflection, it’s a shocking reminder of “Oh yeah, you aren’t that trim little gal you always think you are.”

And the weird thing is, I’m not under any delusion that I’m thinner than I am….I know how big I am, so why is it always a surprise? I think maybe it’s actually a good thing, I think it means that I don’t limit myself and my self esteem to being just a fat girl. Does that make sense? Although it does hurt time and time again to get that surprise….

The other thing that always surprises me is when I weigh and measure myself. Again, I know the numbers will be high, that shouldn’t be a shock, but seeing the actual numbers sometimes is shocking, and hard to deal with. I sometimes think I should just avoid the scale altogether. But why should it be so shocking? I know what I’m dealing with…and it’s the same body whether I’m looking at it in the mirror or through the horrible statistics of the evil tape measure…there is no difference, yet in my mind there is.

So my viewpoint on my body is quite manic…it goes back and forth. Sometimes I can look at myself and find good points and be happy with how I look, and other times it’s all I can do to not break down and cry when I see the numbers or try on an outfit. It’s very weird to have this relationship with my body…I’m trying to reconcile the vision I have in my head with what’s truly in the mirror, and it’s hard. I don’t want to dislike myself, I want to cherish my body and treat it better, but also be happy with it.

My goal – work at making my body healthy, but also loving it no matter what size it is, and appreciating all it truly does for me. My body is a wonder


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEBIZINHA
    Oh man, another post I can totally relate...I usually watch the biggest loser the first episode and when the girls go to the scale I can't help but notice how big the contestants are and I immediately think. I am not THAT big.

    Well when they weigh and they are 10,20, 30 lbs thinner than me it is a shock to me... Like really? Am I this big??

    It is a rude wakening call. The mental me is definitely a lot different than the imagine in the mirror....
    3772 days ago
  • PRINCESSAHEART
    This really touched me, At my bigger times, it was that i was me and knew I was quite big, but I felt smaller than I actually was, but the shock would hit when seeing the numbers on the scales. In the end it is about loving yourself unconditionally.
    A good way to start is to pick things you like about yourself and tell your self that! try not to ever focus on what you don't like, it is self sabotage!
    3785 days ago
  • ENTROPICPARADOX
    I totally hear you. I have to keep telling myself that the person I am is not dependent on what my scale says, but it's hard! I see photos and think, "That can't be me, can it?!"

    The most awesome thing about SP is that I am learning to change the focus from how much I weight to what type of lifestyle and health I want to maintain. That gives the freedom to break away from the images and numbers and concentrate on just being healthy. I think finding peace with yourself and your body is a must no matter what your weight or size is!

    emoticon
    3787 days ago
  • RESA71
    I am right there with you! I even find myself wondering "am I the same size as her?" when I walk past people I don't even know! I REALLY DIDN'T realize how big I was until my ex told me that it was one of the reasons he didn't want to be married to me anymore....(talk about a blow to your ego).

    Body Image is a lot to deal with by itself and then when you toss in self-esteem, it can be a disaster. I have learner to love me no matter what lately. You have to put all of the pieces together and love yourself MIND, BODY AND SOUL!

    You are BEAUTIFUL! emoticon
    3789 days ago
  • RAINBODRAGON
    totally fell ya here. this is why so many people have problems with wls too. the hardest part of losing weight is getting the fat girl out of your head once shes out of your body.
    3789 days ago
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