The Big Picture
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
So I am sure you are all wondering on the flip side of things how I am doing by now...other than the complete emotional wreck I am at times. Food wise okay. True, there were days when I couldn't keep much down, but that has gotten better. Exercise wise, I suck, because I can barely get out of bed. And when I do get out, I tend not to stay out long. (My m.o. when I am depressed. Sleep. Even if I can't figure it out, I know something is wrong when I sleep this much...of course this time, I know exactly what is wrong.) I'm not going to lie about my latest exercise habits. My gym membership is lapsing because it is up and I chose not to renew it since I am moving and refuse to fail and return to live in a place I dislike. And when I do get out of bed, it is to pack, clean or clean out crap, occasionally go to the store for something..and then I return to bed. What else...I hate TV right now. Stupid sappy crap. So I don't bother turning it on, not that I ever really watched it before much. (There were only 3 shows I watched each week.) I tend to cry every other day...today the trigger was the damn radio with its stupid "when you find you, come back to me" lyric. Crap song and usually never hear it...except I was changing stations, found a song I liked and that one came on after it. Oh and I adore the fact that I developed a slight stutter at times. I am guessing it has to do with being overwhelmed. Nice. That is oh so attractive.
So why am I telling you all this? Because believe it or not, some of the best support I get is from you guys. Some of you specifically know me from what I write and are really listening to me...as opposed to some of my actual physical (not virtual meaning) friends who keep advising things without it seems hearing wtf I am saying. So frustrating to be told to do something and lectured at by people that are A) in a relationship that they have been in since high school B) have not been in one in like 8 years, or even dumped for that matter in that time...to name a few. Don't tell me how to think or feel! I don't care if they are right or wrong. What can benefit crushing more of my spirit by being adamant about what I should do? Everything from treat him like he's dead, to if you take his call we are going to have serious issues with our friendship (like he would--has she even been listening to anything I say). I will say I did have to contact him for something but it wasn't personal. It was related to a business matter. And I even got a "thanks" response. All I added in the forward was sorry to interrupt his day. I am being very good, but I can't be vindictive or spiteful. I am just not that person. I never will be. We all know I can't hate. It's not in me. And it takes too much damn work and energy.
Something I didn't tell you was that one of the guys I met on Friday I saw again this weekend. I don't know why. He was interesting, I was bored, I needed to feel liked. Whatever. We will call him...The Film Student. So The Film Student and I had late night tea/coffee and just talked. That's all. Me video installation artist and film minor, him, well you get the picture: common interests. Oh geez, is he young. At the initial meeting I didn't know he was a student. I thought he was an art film maker, aka graduate and doing gallery work. Again, whatever. But he is still in the party, drinking phase. It sort of bothered him that I don't really drink. lol And I felt absolutely nothing. Really polite...but not polite enough or considerate/respectful enough for me. I have been ruined I realize now. Again, damn Art Guy. But I have a new friend/art accomplice in crime. And yes, I turned down his invitation to "make out" lol. Seriously?! Well at least he asked before he approached. See I told you he was young. I have about 10 years on him I learned. ;) Okay, stop laughing now.
See, I'm okay...sort of. I have my moments of absolute loss, insanity, not to mention overwhelming panic with every other change going on. But, I really like what my friend on here C said. "He's not the only man worth having." She didn't say he was horrible (although his actions have not been the best lately), she didn't say you'll get over it, she just used a movie and quoted that. And I have no idea why that is sinking in, but it is. Oh, hell, I still would like him to want me of course. Yep, I am a dumb girl. And if I were to write a memoir some day, he would be in it...however the story ends. Because some people you meet just impact you in such an inexplicable way, more so than any other you encounter. There is no reasonable answer for why they can do that. It is just the right alignment of matter. And so it was with him, even more so than my lengthy relationships prior.
Gee, I almost sound coherent. This doesn't mean I will get out of bed tomorrow. No guarantees. But I did make plans on Friday to go out with a friend that just got back that teaches in another country...we shall call her Guatemala Girl. She and I are going to surprise our other friend (The Flux) who is DJing on Friday night. I invited Beauty School Knockout to come along.
Can you keep the cast of characters straight? As summer continues, I guarantee it is only going to get more crazy. I am not giving up on myself or love. I simply can't. Plus, I still have many more pounds to lose. ;) I figure the only way I am going to get through this is to have some fun. It may end up with a crazy series of first dates, but oh well. If that boosts my confidence again, then so be it. Because right now, no matter what anyone says (and thanks for the comments on my new pics guys) I feel unattractive, unwanted and unworthy much of the time. And that is just from the break up, because he never made me feel that way when we were together. In fact he never even said that in the break up. It is just the residual effect. See, I am a dumb girl. I know it. I can't help it.
Until next time. Maybe I'll even have something more productive to say...wasn't this site about healthy living or something? lol