So, my birthday was last week.
I definitely used it as an excuse to eat very very poorly. For more than one day. Which while I gave myself permission to do it, felt a lot like cheating. I felt guilty about eating a lot of the things that I did end up putting in my mouth. And yet I kept doing it. For five days.
*sigh* Wow, I didn't realize it had been that many days. I tried on Saturday and Sunday to reign myself in a little bit, but definitely still was over the edge.
There is so much crap food in our house right now. We had a party on Friday night and 18 of my friends came and brought snacks - granted, they tried to be healthier, but there are still many things that I would not have purchased in my cupboards. And if I know it's there, chances are I'm going to eat it just to get rid of it. It feels very wrong to me to throw things away that people paid for and that there is nothing wrong with.
This is especially true if someone made it from scratch, like the delicious carrot cake my dear friend made as a birthday cake for me. There was a lot leftover and even though I asked people to take a piece or two home, we still ended up keeping 7 pieces. Guess how many are left now? 2.
To say that the scale is back up is an understatement. I have put myself back by WEEKS with this birthday binge.
What I'm thinking about now is
-How do I manage special occassions and events in the future?
-How do I better manage social situations where eating is major component of the gathering?
-How do I not make myself feel deprived when I know there are all kinds of yummy things I'm not eating?
I'm feeling sad about my lack of self control over the past several days and wondering if I can really make these changes into lifestyle habits. I know it's hard to change years and years of eating habits, and that I really haven't been working on it that long compared to some. It's upsetting and frustrating to me to look at all the hard work I've done and how easy it was to erase it with a few days of less than vigilant eating. I don't want to weigh everything and measure everything for the rest of my life. I want to get to the point where I know what a typical portion is and that I can safely estimate it. I want to be able to eat birthday cake and not be freaking out inside that I'm undoing all my work. I want to not be obsessed with food, which I feel like I am right now.
I know I will get to these goals if I just keep doing the work and making the small changes. No one said this was going to be an easy road. Change will come, I just have to stay committed and learn from the past few days and make better choices in the future.