Welcome to Me
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
WOW!!! THAT sucked!
I just spent the last 2 days completely lost in myself. There is a good reason the phrase "I am my own worst enemy." is well known. I think Pink even has a song about it right?
I have been busy phychoanylizing myself after the fact and, the most important thing I found is that I need to forgive and nurture myself, then help myself get up and back on a positive track; one that's comfortable and beneficial to me.
I have such a hard time with that. I am very, very hard on myself. I know some of you can relate.
So....after 6 days of the scale not moving, I found myself in a tearful misunderstanding with a few close friends. My health keeps be from doing anything which, if you know me, you know is a major issue for me emotionally. I also have the same issues as everyone else regarding finances, work, kids, etc....and...well...I just kinda snapped.
I snapped! And rather than working my way through the emotions, I ate. I ate and ate and ate...for an entire day. F***! Those of you who have an emotional downhill spiral trigger know what happens next....all of those feelings you didn't want to deal with turn into hatred for yourself. Good job, Cami! LOL JUST exactly what you needed! OY!
I guess I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing I would need to deal with my long standing eating disorder as part of this diet. I have been working on it since I was anorexic and 23 years old; before anyone really new what eating disorders were. I have experienced every extreme on the imaginary tracking device invented by people who have never experienced such a disorder. I've been entirely too thin, bulemic as he** and overate. I've been this way my whole life and, though I have had the grace of long periods (years) of being "asymptomatic", I don't believe anyone with an eating disorder is ever cured. It's very much like an addiction. What makes it extremely difficult is that you have to eat to survive...so, you are faced with your "drug of choice" every day, all day long. In a very simple way, it explains why those of us with an eating disorder sometimes choose not to eat at all. It's easier than dealing with it at least 3 times a day, 7 days a week, etc...ad infinitum. Eating disorders are so completely misunderstood. I would love to correct all of those misunderstandings here, but, it would take waaaaay too much time and would likely be boring to many.
So...there I am...stuck with needing to muster up the courage, again, to start over (and I don't mean just with the diet, I've had to pick up and start over so many times and in so many ways)...AND at a time when I can barely get myself to the kitchen to cook a meal some days. D*** It!!! Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself, but I always cut that feeling off the minute it surfaces because there are so many people with so much less opportunity and so much more to deal with than me. I need to stop doing that. I need to allow myself to feel how hard it is and then decide to do it anyway, regardless of what others do or don't have. My empathy for others can't be an excuse to avoid myself. Oh, my pshyche is tricky! And so much smarter than I am. Always a step ahead! LOL
I know how to be one with it. I know how to use it to my advantage. I know how to be friends with my phyche. I avoid that too! WTH??? Why do I do that??? Why do we spend our lives avoiding ourselves??? LOL It's ludicrious when you think about it. It can't be done....not long term...unless you all know of a great drug I haven't tried. In which case, please share! LOL
So...here I am...welcome to me. I am vulnerable and teachable and humble and scared. I am couragous and strong and proud. I am imperfect and happy and sad and angry. I am working as hard as I can!!!
I have overcome a zillion obtacles in my lifetime. I have kind of made a life's mission of it. I CAN overcome this one too. I have to be okay with f***ing up. I have to be. I have to be okay with being needy and unsure and sad. I need to learn to be okay with not having all the answers. I have to deal with the whole of who I am. It's the only way I know to make a permanent spiritual change in myself. And that's the only way I know how to grow.
So...here I go again. I gained 3 lbs from my binge. It's ok. It's just a number. I am back on the wagon and even if I mess up again, I'm not going away. I hope those of you who have supported me up until now can understand and forgive me for sort of disappearing for a few days. I really need your support. And I am happy to support you. You are all amazing and I'm sure I couldn't do this without you. Thanks for being there.