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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

WOW!!! THAT sucked!

I just spent the last 2 days completely lost in myself. There is a good reason the phrase "I am my own worst enemy." is well known. I think Pink even has a song about it right?

I have been busy phychoanylizing myself after the fact and, the most important thing I found is that I need to forgive and nurture myself, then help myself get up and back on a positive track; one that's comfortable and beneficial to me.

I have such a hard time with that. I am very, very hard on myself. I know some of you can relate.

So....after 6 days of the scale not moving, I found myself in a tearful misunderstanding with a few close friends. My health keeps be from doing anything which, if you know me, you know is a major issue for me emotionally. I also have the same issues as everyone else regarding finances, work, kids, etc....and...well...I just kinda snapped.

I snapped! And rather than working my way through the emotions, I ate. I ate and ate and ate...for an entire day. F***! Those of you who have an emotional downhill spiral trigger know what happens next....all of those feelings you didn't want to deal with turn into hatred for yourself. Good job, Cami! LOL JUST exactly what you needed! OY!

I guess I'm kinda mad at myself for not realizing I would need to deal with my long standing eating disorder as part of this diet. I have been working on it since I was anorexic and 23 years old; before anyone really new what eating disorders were. I have experienced every extreme on the imaginary tracking device invented by people who have never experienced such a disorder. I've been entirely too thin, bulemic as he** and overate. I've been this way my whole life and, though I have had the grace of long periods (years) of being "asymptomatic", I don't believe anyone with an eating disorder is ever cured. It's very much like an addiction. What makes it extremely difficult is that you have to eat to survive...so, you are faced with your "drug of choice" every day, all day long. In a very simple way, it explains why those of us with an eating disorder sometimes choose not to eat at all. It's easier than dealing with it at least 3 times a day, 7 days a week, etc...ad infinitum. Eating disorders are so completely misunderstood. I would love to correct all of those misunderstandings here, but, it would take waaaaay too much time and would likely be boring to many.

So...there I am...stuck with needing to muster up the courage, again, to start over (and I don't mean just with the diet, I've had to pick up and start over so many times and in so many ways)...AND at a time when I can barely get myself to the kitchen to cook a meal some days. D*** It!!! Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself, but I always cut that feeling off the minute it surfaces because there are so many people with so much less opportunity and so much more to deal with than me. I need to stop doing that. I need to allow myself to feel how hard it is and then decide to do it anyway, regardless of what others do or don't have. My empathy for others can't be an excuse to avoid myself. Oh, my pshyche is tricky! And so much smarter than I am. Always a step ahead! LOL

I know how to be one with it. I know how to use it to my advantage. I know how to be friends with my phyche. I avoid that too! WTH??? Why do I do that??? Why do we spend our lives avoiding ourselves??? LOL It's ludicrious when you think about it. It can't be done....not long term...unless you all know of a great drug I haven't tried. In which case, please share! LOL

So...here I am...welcome to me. I am vulnerable and teachable and humble and scared. I am couragous and strong and proud. I am imperfect and happy and sad and angry. I am working as hard as I can!!!

I have overcome a zillion obtacles in my lifetime. I have kind of made a life's mission of it. I CAN overcome this one too. I have to be okay with f***ing up. I have to be. I have to be okay with being needy and unsure and sad. I need to learn to be okay with not having all the answers. I have to deal with the whole of who I am. It's the only way I know to make a permanent spiritual change in myself. And that's the only way I know how to grow.

So...here I go again. I gained 3 lbs from my binge. It's ok. It's just a number. I am back on the wagon and even if I mess up again, I'm not going away. I hope those of you who have supported me up until now can understand and forgive me for sort of disappearing for a few days. I really need your support. And I am happy to support you. You are all amazing and I'm sure I couldn't do this without you. Thanks for being there.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DANCEDAD67
    Cami,

    I'm sorry you had such a rough couple of days. We all have our demons, and I think most of us struggle with emotional eating in one form or another. We can't do better than we can do each day. Some days we will fail, and some days we will succeed. Remember the Japanese proverb: Fall down seven times; stand up eight. Some days it may feel like fall down a hundred times or a million times, but as long as we get up one more time, we will always come out ahead.

    Take care of yourself!
    3669 days ago
  • HPNOTIQDIME
    Awwwwwwwww Cam! Girl you have been going through some things! Girl look at all these people here--all of the encouraging words--the support--the understanding--the LOVE! You can do this! This is an amazing bunch of people here and we are all so fortunate to have each other. I am not mad, sad, or disappointed--I am HERE for you and know that you are for me!

    A
    3670 days ago
  • RAIN_SIS
    Once again I have given advice out of my depth. I kind of suspected it.
    As I said in my sparkmail - I will try to stick to 'supposrtive' from now on.

    3670 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/20/2010 10:30:56 AM
  • SHEBICK
    Cami,

    It was good for you to let it all out! And so you binged. Big deal. The important thing is getting back on the wagon. You just have to decide which wagon you want to get on.

    I am not an expert on eating disorders by any means, but I think based on my own compulsive overeating and what I've heard from others is that a lot of it is based on control issues. In this regard, I have to respectfully disagree with DRLANEY about hCG being a godsend. The amount of obsessing we are required to do on this protocol, coupled with the VLCD, the daily scale-watching, etc. I think all of this could actually be counterproductive to building a healthy relationship with food. I am on my hcg-free days on the VLCD, and I am HUNGRY!!! And I have to ignore my legitimate hunger to stay on protocol.

    Don't get me wrong; there are good aspects too. Like cleaner eating, learning what ingredients we may be sensitive to, breaking cravings for sugar and carbs, learning portion control--all good stuff.

    Remember the old weight loss commercials where they said, "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you." Truer words were never said in regards to major weight loss. Honestly, I am still resisting digging that deep--too busy with my family to indulge in my own soul searching. But I will have to, sooner or later. And, like you, I shall be better for it. :)
    emoticon
    3670 days ago
  • WNNAB30AGAIN
    Thanks for your comments everyone and for the support. Very much appreciated. I need it. It's hard to admit that I do, but, I do.

    MSJAP: Thanks for always being so very supportive. You are always there cheering me on. I hope you know how much it matters, even when I can't respond. By the way, the words are my therapy. It's one of the best ways for me to find myself when I'm lost. I write, as a hobby too. It's part of who I am. Thanks for saying I do it well. It's nice to hear.

    My Dear Rain Sis: You never fail to make me laugh. The picture of you sitting yourself down and talking to yourself it great! So, I'm laughing while I type this, girl, lemme tell ya about counseling...I've been to counseling...lots of times over the years...to recover from lots of stuff and develop myself into who I was meant to be. I went to treatment for my eating disorders years and years ago when the idea of an eating disorder and treatment for it was absolutely brand new. I've never stopped working on myself and developing me. As a matter of fact, I worked in an inpatient treatment facility counseling adolescents with eating disorders and various other kinds of addictions.

    I have the tools I need. As a matter of fact, I just used one; this site, my writing, you wonderful people. And, it's true...I am, at my core, a postive cheerful person. I am also deep and philosophical and creative and loyal and...sarcastic and ornery and..wow...that would be a good thing for me to do, make a list of the things I like about myself! Thanks Rain...you did that for me and didn't even know it! ; )

    But, I have demons. LOL Oh, yes I do. ; )

    I hope I don't sound defensive. I really just wanted to clarify and to let you know I'm okay. As always, I love to hear from you and hear your perspective and your funny stories. Thanks for caring. Thanks for taking the time to write what you did.

    And to all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you!




    3670 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/19/2010 6:14:31 PM
  • RAIN_SIS
    Dang girl! EXCUSE ME for calling you "cheery"

    (That was a joke. Ok?)

    I immediately could relate to the song reference - I find myself singing that one to myself every now and then.
    I have been going through minor stress lately due to the upcoming move. I mean, compared to you, minuscule stress. I have found myself falling back on maladaptive behaviors - Drinking (a personal favorite) and eating the wrong things.
    I know that I am trying to comfort myself and NOT feel the way I am feeling. I have had to sit myself down and talk to myself like the slow learner that I am:
    "You know that doing these things makes you feel worse - not better. Remember how good you felt just a few weeks ago when you were eating good food? Why do you keep forgetting?"
    I don't expect you to take any of that as advice. I am just saying that looking at my little scale model I can get an idea of the situation you are talking about.
    Perhaps it would be helpful to talk to a professional who can help you own the rights to everything you are feeling. Someone who can help you stop punishing yourself for the feelings, find new ways of comforting yourself, and especially, how to tell the difference.
    You have obviously done a lot of the hard work of admitting what is going on inside. It can help, I have heard, to talk those perceptions out with a therapist. She/He can help reflect them back to you so that you can see which ones are correct and which ones are distorted (usually on the harsh side)
    This web site can only give advice on healthy living. It can't make us take it. Cracking that hard nut inside that keeps us from doing what is good for us - that we each have to do for ourselves.

    3670 days ago
  • DRLANEY
    I think hCG is a Godsend for those with eating disorders. You can take control of the weight without having to resort to extreme tactics. Work it to your advantage!

    emoticon
    3670 days ago
  • MSJAP1
    Wow! That was some blog. You really have a way with words you know Cami. I never realised you had an eating disorder. That must be really hard, being annorexic at one point and at the stage you are now! I really can appreciate that other people who have not experienced it don't truly understand. It's like with everything really, unless you have experienced it, no one can really know what it is like. Having said that there are those of us who can empathize as we too are dealing with illnesses that are not easily explained.

    You are doing a good job of psychoanalizing yourself, I do it all the time, at least we can understand ourselves better when we do! Don't be too hard on yourself though! You can only take one step at a time and I think concentrating on the healthy eating is the main thing and don't worry about not being able to exercise. I know it easier said than done, as you know I battle with exercising myself, because like you, sometimes I am too tired to even cook!

    You said yourself you have faced many obstacles in your life and I am sure you will overcome this one. emoticon


    3670 days ago
  • KALIGIRL
    Thank you for sharing.
    You have overcome far more obstacles than I've ever had to deal with, so I can offer no advice, only support.
    We are here for you.
    emoticon
    3670 days ago
  • WNNAB30AGAIN
    D***, now I'm cryin again! LOL But, good tears this time. Thanks so much for your comments, for helping me feel like it's okay to be human...it feels like forgiveness....and I need to feel that.

    Thanks also for taking the time to add your comments. I know that sometimes it's hard to take the time to respond to all the needs one sees on this site. Makes me feel important. Another thing I don't allow myself.

    I am encouraged you guys. Thank you.
    3670 days ago
  • SPACEYTRACY91
    Wow, I know all of this. I am so empathetic to you, and wish you all the good wishes i can muster. I think the hardest part of losing weight is realizing, finally, that its not just physical. I didn't realize that I had emotional issues leading to my overeating my entire life. It wasn't until I saw an episode of the Biggest Loser that I realized...wait that's ME! and i checked myself into therapy.

    Forgiving yourself and picking up and moving on seems insurmountable most of the time, but you CAN do it! acknowledge how difficult it feels, then the next day, the load seems manageable. I know you can do it! and i support you!

    All we have is ourselves in the end, we need to be okay with ourselves. Congratulations for seeing the situation for what it is and moving on. You are truly inspired.

    Namaste
    3670 days ago
  • MOOTWO
    I'm sorry you hit a rough patch. We certainly all do- and do so together.
    It's good that you have the stick to it mentality to grab the reigns and get back on track. That will be a good help.
    I hope the misunderstanding aspect got or gets cleared up so it doesn't hang around being a stressor to you. Best of luck Friend!
    3670 days ago
  • MACKANDME
    What ever you do never quit. Whether you loss, gain or stay the same...do not quit. I have been here for the last 2.5 years and trust me I have been up and down. And ya it feels pretty crummy when you gain cuz ya don't wanna let yourself down. But we are all here for the same reason...to learn to be healthier. Their a re tons of people who gain, myself included when I first began. But through learning I am learning to be a healthier eater and so much more. Good luck and Do Not Quit.
    I am a fellow binger/purger.
    Michelle
    Funky
    3670 days ago
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