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It's Not Easy Being Green

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's been a long week. Well - at least it feels that way. I've been a bit more detached from my "Sparkiness" of late - checking my page only a couple times a day, using my nutrition and fitness tracker, checking in on the DGOTD and then signing off.

I guess it's because I've been struggling with being ME over this past week. It happens to the best of us - the attack of the ugly green monster - jealousy. And spending your days wishing you were anyone BUT who you are.

It started last Friday. My office-mate, who has been doing Weight Watchers for the past 6 months, hit her goal. I saw the post on her Facebook page and braced myself - it's all she ever talks about anymore. We used to be buddies - when she was new to the city I took her in and gave her a job and we'd hang out and do dinner and drinks after work, we'd watch Biggest Loser together every Tuesday night and cook each other dinner. Then her best friend from college moved to town and I was out of the picture. We still see each other every day at work, but we don't hang out anymore. She's a lot younger than me and her priorities are different. Plus - I'm her boss, and that just makes things awkward. Then she decided that she wanted to get skinny and started WW. Our office conversations went from dating and gossip to Points and her running schedule. It got boring - fast. I have done the WW thing - about 11 different times. It never worked for me. I know it's a great program for some people, but I can't help thinking that it's just a diet. Who wants to count points for the rest of their lives? But I watched her succeed at this thing that I could never do. Dropping pound after pound. Having everyone at work make a big deal about how great she looked and her success while I struggle along, drudge along, pull myself up by the bootstraps every time I see the same damn numbers on the scale. She's got cute new clothes, and cute new boots, and a cute new haircut. It infuriates me! Why was it so easy for her? She never plateaued, never had any issues along the way, and brought in CUPCAKES to celebrate her victory! CUPCAKES? Who rewards weight loss with junk food?

I ate two of them.

And then I wished I was her. Wished I had it that easy. Wished away my lifetime battle with this "thing" that has seemingly chosen ME to plague. Wished I was anyone else but myself at that particular moment in time. And then wished that those cupcakes made her gain back 10 pounds out of spite. (I didn't say my ugly green monster was friendly - au contraire - it is evil and vindictive and downright nasty).

I took a nice, long walk to try to work off the cupcakes and to attempt a re-balance of myself and my work thus far. I'm doing well, I'm making changes, I'm happy in my skin...but am I really? I ended my walk at the theatre for our weekend of performances. Four shows sitting in a dark booth, doing a thankless job that no one really even knows exists besides the people who work in theatre. I press buttons, I keep the show on time, I reprimand the actors when they get silly. I don't get to stand on stage and sing my heart out and carry on inside-jokes with my cast members back stage and take my bows to thunderous applause when the show is over. Applause. I live for that applause. It's why I got into theatre in the first place. And sure - I get the applause - but indirectly. People applaud when they love the show, and I am a huge part of that, but I'm not standing on the stage to get it. I'm the person at the back of the house that sits behind the audience - out of their field of vision. I wished I were an actor. I wished I were a singer. Wished I was anyone else but myself at that particular moment in time.

Over the weekend I was talking to one of our actors - she's one of those people who everyone loves. She's beautiful, has a great job, is incredibly talented and is engaged to an equally gorgeous, talented, and kind man. She's also Miss Suzie Homemaker - bakes her own bread, does home improvement projects, seems so wholesome and pure. I want to BE HER. So I was talking to her before our show on Sunday, sharing with her that I had channeled my "inner her" and baked bread that morning (and it is YUMMY bread). She told me about this blog that she's addicted to and said I should check it out for more yummy recipes and home improvement advice. I went home and Googled it immediately. And given my current state of "green" it was probably the biggest mistake I could have made. My foray into "The Pioneer Woman" involved a whole day (until 2:30am last night) reading her blogs about how she met and married her dream guy, lives on a gorgeous ranch in Oklahoma, has 4 beautiful children and a perfect dog, and just did a book tour for her first New York Times Bestseller cookbook. Ugh. If I was green before, by the time I made it through that I was reeking of pungent, fluorescent, emerald slime. I wished I was her. I wished for that perfect life. I wished I was younger. I wished for a do-over. Wished I was anyone else but myself at that particular moment in time.

Did I mention that all three of these women are redheads? I wished for red hair, and then went to bed and dreamed of cupcakes, and horses and being so fat I couldn't get out of bed.

I'm suffocating in jealousy right now.

So to appease the ugly green monster, just for 3 seconds, I'm gonna have at it - WHY MEEEEEEEEE????? *Kicks, stomps, jumps up and down screaming in frustration* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

OK. That's over. I'm done now. Picking myself up by my bootstraps and moving on. I've spent so much time over the past week wishing I was someone else, I've lost sight of me and who I am and WHERE I am right now. I'm reclaiming my "Sparkiness" and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be excited about this and for the future that I WILL HAVE. I have today. I have tomorrow. And every day after that will be better than the one before. Everyone is fighting their own battles. So many things come easily to me that other people struggle with. Sure I'm angry that my battle is out there for the world to see...on my thighs, but I'd rather be me than any of those women on a good day. 90% of the time. And as for the other 10% - I'm working on it.

When I was 10 years old I was selected to sing at the Grade 8 commencement ceremonies at my school. My song:

If I were a bird, I could fly
High as the stars in the sky
But a bird I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

Being me, Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me

If I were a bell, I could chime
Ring-ding-a-ling, all the time
But a bell I'll never be
So I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

I am a light, I can shine
The light of the world, I can shine
Jesus love shines through me
And I'm happy, you see
Just being me, being me

I can always be myself
Better than anybody else
Just being me
Being me
Being free
Being all I can be
I can pass every test
Cause I'll give it my best
Just being me, being me
I can always be myself
Better than anybody else
Just being me
Being me
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Well I just ate an entire bag of chocolate covered raisins ick, and due to allergies did not even taste them, see annoyance is rampant today. Just wanted you to know we went to see riverdance lately and ended up fascinated with the two people doing what you do, how you manage all those buttons and slides at just the right time,what a interesting job you have although your schedule would drive me right to the nearest fast food place. You haven't mentioned swimming lately, are you still going. You are young yet and have your whole life ahead, if these are your dreams keep on following them at your own pace, you will get there!
    2896 days ago
  • KEC1974
    My inner self is a redhead. Sometimes, I think my authentic self is a redhead. But, I've stopped coloring my hair, so now my outer self is mostly silver (except for the ends which are still light brown; the two-tone look is just awesome, let me tell you :(, but temporary).
    I understand the green monster, too, but I try to remember (like Newtay below) that we only see what other people want us to see. Perception is everything. Everyone has baggage and issues and wishes to be other than what they are. Sometimes I forget that and I get wrapped up in wanting what others have instead of appreciating what I've got. But then, I bounce back and know how fortunate I am.
    You're dealing with your green monster effectively, thinking and reflecting on your choices and motivations. (and I, for one, am so glad that you are sharing them with all of us)
    WYND10, let me know when you find that EASY button. I'd like one, too. :)
    And yeah, celebrating a weight loss goal with cupcakes?! What's up with that!? :)
    2897 days ago
    Many of us occassionally have that ugly green monster. All you can do is move on. I think you are a beautiful person. I used to envy a co-worker who lost a lot of weight and was very outgoing with a beautiful voice. I can't carry a tune. I still have my weight to lose and my out of tone voice but I have learned to move on for now until the monster comes along again. Our turn will come too. We are learning patience.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2897 days ago
    You gals are amazing. Thank you so much for "changing my colour"! And MEL - I hear ya! I flunked out of my university-level Acting 101 class because I couldn't "be" in my body. That's what drove me to management in the first place. Up until that point I was going to be a musical theatre actress. Alas... I do like what I've made for myself regardless. I still work in a profession I adore. But someday I WILL get back ON the stage, not behind it.
    2897 days ago
    Why did I lose weight? Because I wanted to be your actress friend.

    Seriously... 100% I feel your pain. I crave it all too. I got serious about losing weight because I wanted to get back into theater. No one was going to give the leading role to a blob. No one was going to look at me twice. So, I started losing weight, enrolled in a conservatory program... and discovered that I have no idea how to "BE" in this new body... failed my first class, because I am too uptight now. I had to take an Alexander class... and as that class draws to a close, my instructor tells me, "You should probably take this again over the summer." Yeah... dreams meet window. Applause? probably never going to happen... because I have spent so much time concerned with what I look like now, I don't know how to be anymore. I wonder if I will ever learn to like this body and to be successful in it... (and my hair? box. seriously. I think god (or God, whichever) was playing a cosmic joke on me-- he made me blonde... )

    *green monster* yeah... I feel ya!

    2897 days ago
  • KARVY09
    We all get green sometimes. I bet all those redheads wished they had blonde or black or brown hair too!

    You have so many excellent qualities too that maybe these other women don't... Sense for one... Who celebrates weight loss with CUPCAKES??! Indeed. That is one of the most retarded things I've ever heard of. But I digress. Make your next blog about all of those great qualities.

    And you can do this. You can work at a sustainable lifestyle change that doesn't end in cupcakes. It doesn't end at all.
    2897 days ago
  • WYND10
    I just want you to know, I think you're pretty damn amazing, and that's just knowing you through your blogs. So know, that while you may be wishing you were her, someone might also be wishing they were you :). Also know, you aren't alone with your evil green friend. We've all got that, and there are certainly days where I wished things were easier in the weight-loss game. Many a day I spent/spend shaking my fist at the sky and looking around my apartment for this elusive easy button. Pesky easy button!! ;)

    It's going to be ok, you're already doing the right thing, brushing it off and moving forward. You've got this. Slow and steady, doing it the right way this time. You've totally got this.

    Now, let's do this thing!!! *hooorah!*

    2897 days ago
  • TAYRAE323
    I think it is only natural to have a little green monster, and by the way your thinks just like mine does :) I think that you will get your sparkiness back and I don't think any one has a perfect fairytale life like the women from the blog. I guaruntee she has skeletons or hardships in her past and just writes all the pretty things. I think it is much better to read blogs about real life and feelings which is why I just loved your! You will get to where you want to be and it will be more of an accomplishment from all the struggles. emoticon
    2897 days ago
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