May 7th, 2010 Update
Friday, May 07, 2010
I weighed the same today as almost three weeks ago! So much for the 2 pounds a week goal...
It's probably the number...right now, 221.5, the last time I was under 220...well, it's brings back alot of memories: 1. I was on an anti-anxiety medicine and went from 225 down to 205 in 1-2 months, then my appetite returned and i went to 235 within 1-2 months, needless to say this is the time period when i grew stretch marks on my stomach and boobs without ever having a child. 2. I had met a guy online...who I got to meet in person for ~a week before he moved across the country and we had a long-distance online relationship for 7 months. When I saw him in person I was 205 and he was very complimentary. You're beautiful, you're perfect...so behind the scenes, I was gaining weight to 235 and long story short I think there's some permanent damage from all of that. Damage that ties in to another weight number, 158, when a guy wanted me back in high school...
At any rate, it's just another one of those hurdles for me, a psychological hurdle. I CAN lose weight, but I want my guy to find me attractive now, not later, not at some new skinny number to add to my list and be sad about later when I don't weigh that anymore. I hate the feeling that my relationship "going forward" is secretly hanging on my weight and that I'm letting it hang there as a counter test to his test. His test: you have to love yourself (i.e. take care of yourself and be healthy which just happens to also = losing weight) My test: you have to love me now, 100 pounds from now.
I am finding that my weight loss likes exercise, only every time I exercise (like aerobic-biking long distance) I'm ravenously hungry!!! Give me food! and I'm the one who makes the dinners, so that's a pizza night...and then I'm still hungry.
Wonder if there's an appetite suppressant for when you've exercised.
Still having trouble with dizziness, here and there, at least not like before, but it is super annoying and doesn't help me study at all.