My Mom just doesn't get it

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Today on my walk I spent time thinking about my relationship with my mother. I didn't exactly get much worked out in my head this morning. I need some where for these feelings to go so that I don't stuff them down with food today.

We have been shopping for a van (among other items on my "frustrating shopping list", but that is another story for another time.). Last Friday we were all ready to go sign the papers to buy a van. I called the salesperson to see if they had everything ready. I asked her a simple question about something she was telling me that was in conflict with what the bank was telling me. She launched into a big lecture at me about how lending works that included (and this is a quote) "You are a stay at home mom and that is fine or whatever, but you don't work. You have no money."

Okay, so, I found that rather offensive. (Well, A LOT offensive and that too may be another story for another time.) But, the point of this blog (yes I am getting to it finally) is that I told my mom this story yesterday and I get to the part where the salesperson says "You have no money" and she (mom) says "Well, Justin (my husband) has money." I really cannot believe that is how she responded. I would say that my mother and I have a "delicate" relationshipe at best. She refuses to get to know me as an adult. It makes me sad that she doesn't know the woman I have become. I just don't understand it. I am really enjoying my children, but I look forward to getting to know them as adults as well. Anytime I try to approach her about anything that might be bothering me she brushes it off as me being stressed out and needing to release some steam or me just being hormonal because I am pregnant or whatever. She NEVER takes any responsibility for what she does or says. It is so frustrating! Recently I have resigned myself to just having a "surface" relationship with her. I just don't trust her with any of my deeper feelings.
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    I had that kind of relationship with my mum, we were not close, lots of times I just tolerated her, felt I was never good enough ( bet now she would say I was) I think a lot of the not good enough wasin my head, I wasn't doing what she would have done so was "different" anyway I really miss my mum now. I wish with all my heart I had said OH mum I so love you, even though we don't see things the same, and you are so negative and worry so much. And yes I have learned these traits from you and am learning to not do them so much cos life is worth so much more but mumn I do love you.
    Anyway she died 3 years ago this June 1 at alnost 83 and I wish I had that time with that persnikity negative woman all over again.
    So can't say it is easy, or right but I am sitting here with tears missing the mum who only did what she knew to do.
    3335 days ago
    i would have found it highly offensive as well! i can't believe she said that to you!!
    4043 days ago
    Happy Mother's Day!

    It is so good to know that I'm not the only one with "lost somewhere in her own head" Mom. The other day she said something to me about how her house was never a mess. I had to remind her that she was home all day most days and that was part of her job; my "job" isn't like hers was!! It was just one of those moments...
    4057 days ago
    My goodness! Are your mom and that salesperson still stuck in the 1930's?! I know you are already signing papers to purchase your van, but that rude salesperson REALLY doesn't deserve your business. After all, how can someone who has no money buy anything from her, right? emoticon

    As for your mother, it is extremely unfortunate that she dismisses your feelings and not take the opportunities to get to know you better. I hope she will come to her senses soon because sadly... our time in this world IS finite.

    Bless you for choosing to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your children. emoticon
    4057 days ago
    My mother and I just don't "get" each other either, and it made me very angry, frustrated, sad for a long time. Finally we have a careful balance but we are not close and not friends. It's my Mom who's missing out the most. My daughters are 24 and 19 and we have that adult relationship I would've liked to have with her. We enjoy time together, ask each others opinions, and listen to the answers. They text and call me often and we have lunches out from time to time.

    Relationships are a two way street, and as an adult you have to do what's best for you emotionally too.

    4059 days ago
    Ah darling - I can relate to you 1000000 percent!

    here I am, 47 years later - still - dealing with the same thing.

    Here's how I do it:

    Yup, Ok, Sure, No problem.

    I've come to learn that my mom
    1) Enoys the banter (whatever!)
    2) Somewhere inside wants to walk away with the "I told you so"
    3) Doesn't matter who's right - I will never measure up.

    So - I have a surface relationship with her, make sure she has what she needs, and don't launch into any conversation deeper than necessary.

    At the end of the day, I'm not pissed off because she's inconsiderate & hurtful and I sleep better because I'm less frustrated.

    On the other hand.... I have a 24 yr old son in Iraq, a 23 yr old daughter that just bought a home with her brother... both of them are fantastic adults, we enjoy each other's company and are considerate enough to throw ideas & compliments both ways.

    Bottom line is I have chosen NOT to be like my mother is instead of like most people using it like a crutch and continuing the vicious cycle.

    Sounds like you are gonna be terrific with your kids. Nuture that & enjoy the terrific things it's going to bring you.
    emoticon emoticon
    4059 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6572876
    Thats sad but true sometimes mom's just never see us as adults..hang in there maybe it will get better.
    4059 days ago
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