Swimming the river CRAP!
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Sigh...Hey everyone...I'd like to introduce you to another of my many personalities and alter ego's. (She's not very pleasant - so, please stop and consider...and enter if you dare). ; )
And I don't just mean swimming...the river CRAP...I mean swimming the river CRAP upstream - against the F@#*ing current. And does anybody notice? No! Does anybody f@#*ing care? NO! Does anybody lend a hand??? NO!!!
I have, for good reason, detached myself from most of my family of origin. I moved from my hometown and lost touch with the good friends I had from my hometown mostly because I was busy killing myself trying to be THE BEST F@#*ing single mom in the world. I am now very particular with whom I share my truest self. Like many of you, I've been hurt a lot. AND I'm so "different" not too many people would understand, should I let them in...I've gotten to the point where I'm too tired to care if I'm understood by the masses. I'm weird. I know it. It's me. And I don't f#@*ing care.
So...I end up in the spot I'm in today...with no one to talk to or help me out and really pi$$ed off about life. At these times, the personality who appears to be in charge (no, I'm not truly schizophrenic) takes over and tries to get me to believe that I don't care...about anything...and that I am a victim...of EVERYTHING.
I know I have been victimized over the years (who hasn't been)...but, I really do care...I really do want to be happy and healthy and positive and content with who I am and they way things are...right now.
I'm good at telling other people how to work themselves out of a "mood"...SO much better than I am at helping myself. This particular part of me though...who really isn't a huge part of my life anymore, is a really strong force...it can lead me to some yucky places I don't want to go.
I am frustrated and sad right now...I am tired of trying so hard and not getting what I deserve back from the universe (I'm sorry universe...she said it, not me). ; )
I need to move out of this place and grab hold of something comforting and good for me. What comes to mind is an entire THANKSGIVING dinner! ; )
I'm just sooooo tired.