CYNTHIUSS
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Being Healthy takes a lot of time, but so does being fat

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I haven't blogged for quite a while. Partly because I didn't want to face my stall in weight loss. Or my backslide. I haven't even checked the scale, so I don't know how far I slid. Too hard to get that honest. Maybe tomorrow. But I'm working on behaviors. I started by spinning the wheel. That doesn't take too much time. Then I added some status updates. That's quick. Having so many folks comment on my activity feed, motivated me to continue spinning the wheel and updating my status. I also have been committed to drinking 8 cups of water a day.

emoticon

The support really matters.

Being fat takes a lot of time. Everything takes longer, is harder, the emotional processing is more complicated, social connections are more challenging (I struggle to find the right clothes and think, "do I look fat in this?", of course I look fat in anything).

I am fat.

That's a loaded word. I don't use it. It has such negative connotations. I'm overweight, I'm not fit. I tell my 6 year old that pointing to a person and asking innocently, "why is that person so fat?", isn't friendly, people come in all sizes.

I don't like being unfit. I was fitter. I had a seriously injury (accidental). In getting fit I went from 222 down to 182, I remember being so excited to have lost 40 pounds, I felt terrific. The injury was life changing. I experienced life in a wheelchair. I struggled with hopelessness. I ate my way back up to 208 in my medication fog. I got onto spark and faced getting fit with a challenged body. I headed in the right direction. I got down close to 190...2 steps forward, one step back...sometimes two. I swore I'd never cross 200 again. I saw 200 once, backed off. I'm guessing I'm hovering close.

Stress: sick kids, really sick (stable for the time being - just a little sick now), partners dying parent(s?) (she's out of state with them now). Family of origin's dysfunctional dynamics. Health issues. We all have stress. I seem to have my fair share, I also have so much to be thankful for, I'm not complaining, I know it could be so much worse. I'm thankful every day, for every thing. Really. I trust the challenges have gifts. I look real hard for those gifts sometimes. Even when I can't see them I still trust they are there.

I'm managing stress in healthier ways for the most part. I still resort to emotional eating but I'm conscious of it and do less of it. I know it's an improvement. I don't ever binge on carbs anymore. I don't overeat until I'm miserable. That's behind me. I still get too fried to think of healthier food prep

until:

the blender emoticon

it's been a week (I know that's not long....) every day I've blended my way thru fast meals of fresh fruits and veggies - and the kids love it too...so I can count it as a family meal! It's a super blender (Living Well/Montel) - no I'm not in to sell them, maybe to justify my buying one...at least it's working to shift my gears.

My health has been my biggest challenge (although stress of others health is right up there). Pain is hard. I have braces for my L ankle, back, R knee, and now R wrist. Sometimes I need to wear them all. I reinjured my left ankle (that's my serious mobility limiting injury). I'm just getting back to walking much. My left knee needs replacement surgery (I did a scrape, shots...may try more), I've been delaying it as long as possible, it's limiting dancing, stretching & walking (3 of my 4 main fitness modes) my right wrist is the newest addition to chronic pain, pulled tendon out of groove or some such thing - I live in a brace and find out after 2 more weeks and cortisone shots if I have to have surgery ( that's destroyed my weight lifting regime - the 4th mode). My herniated disc comes and goes, of course my little cherub of a 6 month old baby boy has to be a GIANT at 20#! So life goes on. I do as few pain pills as possible ( a few a week). I eat mostly healthy - oh yeah, I have a herpes outbreak (on my nose) the herpes diet is basically meat and dairy, not great on the diet front...I pop a lot of Lysine. Everyone is sick, the baby's asthma is rachetting up...Stress isn't very healthy.

So I find exercise to be a challenge these days. I'm still trying. Blogging is another attempt to keep moving toward health. Even under stress, even in pain, even under extreme time demands, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, writing is healthy for me. I haven't written in a long time, but I've been sculpting emoticon I'll include a few pics on the last one still drying, it's called transmutation:

Clay has been my salvation, my lifeline to managing stress (and also how I injured my wrist...that's another issue I must address at some time stubbornness..)
So instead of logging, I'm sculpting, now I'm writing, and I'll try to add logging. I like the fruit/vegi icon logging addition. I'll try to walk a bit more, but I'm still quite limited. One step at a time. Then on to dancing and yoga, one breath at a time. But always living, and thankful, always laughing and enjoying the hilarity of it all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MTKAMARGOT
    Your honesty is such a good thing. And your sculptures continue to be amazing. The form and movement are incredible. wow.
    2970 days ago
  • EVER-HOPEFUL
    the thing i like most about your blogs is the way i can totally relate to them.it is great to know that we are not alone in our struggles and that other people can relate to the stress and pressures we are under.i think you are doing great with all that is going on in your life and i know with your outlook you will get there in the end.and knowing that i see hope there for me too.we will both get there.i am just recommitting again after my birthday last saturday.zakeriya and ayman are still doing atem therapy weekly for their lungs and on daily medication.just waiting for rehab for them both.hope your little boy improves.mine are getting worse at the moment with all this changeable weathwer and of course the hay fever has set in.but what do they say.what doesn´t kill us makes us strong.so we are both a hell of a stong women.here´s to us and our journey.we can do this. emoticon
    2972 days ago
  • F8CONE8
    I have so missed your honesty in your blogs. I remember when we were both doing better on our weight loss but hey... fall down 7 times get up 8. Hugs
    2972 days ago
  • JUDYPOPPINS
    Your sculpture is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey (an arduous one) with us. Most of us only get stumbling blocks, you got a heck of a mountain to cross. It sounds like you've done some heavy soul searching and found your answers. No, it won't be easy..but less weight will help you be healthier and stronger. And we, sparkers, can be there along with you to help you on your journey.
    2972 days ago
  • TAPESTRY18
    What an inspiring entry - thanks for sharing!
    2972 days ago
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