What Got Me Here......
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
When I first started on my spark journey 16 months ago I was so upset with myself. Upset that once again, I let myself get out of control and gain massive amounts of weight. My lowest adult weight was 224 lbs (size 14). Were talking years of weight going up, up up and down. My weight has always been a reflection of what was going on in my life. If my life was a mess, I was gaining. If things were going well, I was losing. I would know when I was a mess and gaining, but emotionally could not get a hold of myself. I was never strong enough emotionally to deal with whatever issue I might have had going on in my life and take care of myself. It was like I reverted to survival mode whenever something went bad. Life for me has never been easy and unfortunately it has contained plenty of bad times.
A few years ago, I realized there was huge connection between my weight and my emotions. When I was good (emotionally) my weight was good and stable. When things got out of control emotionally, so did my weight. I guess I should give some examples of life gone bad-divorce, child custody battles, loss of a job, husband cheating, abusive relationships both physical and emotional. Don't get me wrong here. I am not screaming victim. I am grateful for every painful moment today. Without pain, there is no growth. I have become a stronger, wiser woman over the years. I have finally made the mind-body connection. Everyday I work on myself emotionally and physically. As a result, I am becoming a better friend, mother, partner and person. My health is improving. I am gaining control over my weight. This journey, for me, is just not about weight loss. It is about exploring and working on the issues that got me here in the first place.