21 day results

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Although I didn't see the 190.6 of Sunday, I was 192.6. This is my own fault. The phentermine is working great however I still haven't overcame my "need" to eat in the evening all together. I was doing good and then I started feeling tired and stressed. This lead to me eating about 1/2 of not really diet friendly macadamia nuts. On the flip side, even as I was eating them, I knew I didn't "need" them. I wasn't hungry and I realized that as I popped one after another into my mouth. I think I have a lot more "inner" work that I need to do.

Tonight when I get home the scale is getting put away. I'm going to put it somewhere where I'll have to work really really hard to get it. It will come back out next Monday night in anticipation for next Tuesday's weigh in. The scale for me is a double edged sword. It motivates me and then it also gives me the "ok" to over eat because hey after all I lost some weight! It controls my moods which is just stupid. If I've lost some weight, I over eat. If I've gained some weight, I over eat. Either way my beloved scale is my worse enemy. So away it goes tonight. I will free myself from the scale.

I've never talked about my kid sister. There is 8 yrs between us. I'm on one end of the eating disorder spectrum and my kid sister is on the drastic other. Since she was about 6, I knew that there was something wrong. I tried to talk to our mother about this but was always ignored. This was at the same time that I remember I started binging. Either way, my sister is now getting help. She is 23. A couple weeks ago her chest was hurting so she went to the ER. Nothing really came of that but apparently the state has stepped in. She is 5' 8" and weighing in at a whole 98 lbs with clothes on. They wanted to admit her because of her malnutrion but she wouldn't do it. Now apparently her town is giving her food and she is expected to eat 2000 calories a day. Now everyone is OMG how didn't we know??? I've been talking about this for years. Even recently.. they didn't know because I'm fat. And so it was "oh well she just thinks everyone is too thin because she's fat". SMH- I'm irrated by the situation. My mother now feels like my sister will be magically cured. I tried explaining to her that isn't how it works but it's like talking to a brick wall. Ok- I'm done ranting.

Life is still good!~
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for the comment. I actually saw it last night but didn't comment because I wanted to be able to come back on here and say that I didn't. I really almost got on it today but than I thought about what you said- healthy habits rather than numbers. It was hard. I really wanted to weigh myself badly but I know it will be better to wait till Tuesday! Thanks for your continued encouragement as I'm really struggling and it's been helpful.

    My sister actually didn't keep it to herself. She has very much been "look at what I'm doing". From time to time she would say "I'm just thin" and this is what people were going by. I think it was just denial on my families part. I really am concerned that when the "excitement" and attention dies down she will simply go back to the way it was. It's the attention from it that she craves and I totally understand that. My mother has been very sick all of my sisters life and most of mine. This leads to all sorts of problems not limited to seeking attention. Hopefully she will come to peace within herself and love herself enough to try to make herself better. This is the best I can hope.

    Life is good and even if it isn't by saying that it is it almost makes it real. If gives me a moment to take a step back and say- at least I have Life, which is better than death in my opinion. To me everything is what you make of it. I can crawl up in a ball and cry or I can just suck it up and smile anyway. I usually choose to smile. :)
    3863 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/29/2010 8:38:58 AM
  • ENUFF81020
    Good for you for putting your scale away. It will help you to focus on your healthy habits rather than numbers on the scale.

    As for your sister, even though you were alert to her issues, people with eating disorders do a really good job of hiding their issues from everyone around them. I am sure that she did her best to keep her issues to herself. Having others finally being aware is the best thing that ever happened to her.

    I think your closing statement was the best!! Take care of yourself.
    3863 days ago
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