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Running backwards

Sunday, April 25, 2010

When I was little I use to have these dreams where I was being chased. I dont know who was doing the chasing but I wanted to get away. I would try and try with all my might to run as fast as I could but it seemed the harder I tried the slower I would go and I would inch along at a snails pace like I was wrapped in chains pulling a truck behind me. All of a sudden I realized that what I was doing was not working so I would then turn around backwards and lean back and run backwards into the wind and all of a sudden all that weight was gone and I could run fast and free. It felt like I was being held up by invisable hands and I could move my legs as fast as they needed to go.

Today is the third day of me attempting to run and I have to say It felt a whole lot like the dreams I was in when I was a kid, except this time I knew that turning around backwards was not going to do me a damn bit of good. I have been running on the back street behind my house, which is not a very long street and has three huge electrical towers on it... one at each end and one in the middle. I have been running to one tower and then walking to the next and doing that over and over again for around 20 minutes.

I want to be one of the people that love to run, I really do, but as it stands I dont like running. I feel so heavy for one, I feel like I am 250 pounds again when I run, every stride I feel like the weight of the world is on top of me, when all I want to feel is light and free.

So It was really hard for me to get outside today, I figured that I would go out when my daughter laid down to go to bed at 7:00.... of course she had other plans and desided to scream as loud as she could when I laid her down... Like she was back in her crib being murdered. My husband is sitting on the computer playing world of warcraft and he is in a raid so he cant get up.... grrr.... All I wanted was 20 minutes... thats all I wanted! Instead I have to go back there and sit with her and try to get her to go to sleep... there is nothing wrong with her of course, as soon as I am back there she is bouncing around in her crib pointing at stuff in the room saying "whats that?" "look at this" ... its cute but I am still highly annoyed. She has done this for the past 5 nights, the first two because she was sick... but now she is just being a little brat that dosent want to go to bed.

So I stay back there for like 20 minutes and she dosent want to go to sleep still so I get up and say "go to sleep Im leaving" and leave the room. Its quiet when I leave the room, 10..... 9....... 8...... 7........ 6....... 5......... 4........ 3.........2.....1 "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Back to being murdered.

So I just get her up. I put her down in the living room with her brother who is watching thomas the tank engine and tell my husband that I am going out for 15 minutes to run. The minute I say the word "outside" she starts screaming again and runs over to me and lifts her arms up for me to hold her. Im standing in the door way that leads from the living room to the kitchen banging my head against the door frame.... "all I want is 15 minutes for me!" ::sobbing::

So I go in and turn off Aidens thomas and put on something she likes... so he is all pouty.... I cant win..... and I leave the house.

By this time, my cheese cake that is in the oven has 15 minutes and the sun is about to set. I walk fast for like 4 minutes and then start to jog between my posts. I tried to push myself to run a little farther than I did yesterday or the day before expecially since I knew I only had 10 minutes as it was. I felt like I was going to die... and my nose wanted to run faster than my feet because I am still kinda sick..... so Im sniffling and dieing and my shorts keep ridding up and I keep pulling them back down my thighs..... and all the while I am thinking, "Is this ever going to be easy?.... Can I do this?..... Can I really get to where I can run over 3 miles in 6 weeks? .... Hell can I get to where I can run for 1/2 a mile in 6 weeks?"

Its really hard for me to picture myself being able to do this and as it stands I hate running and OMG is it hard to find time to get away from my kids.... I sign up for a 5k and they become the most clingy little monsters on the face of the earth.

I got in and my cheesecake was slightly overcooked.... damn..... because I had stayed out 5 minutes over what I planned. I finally got my munchkin in bed after another 1/2 hour up.

Here I sit now hoping that this will all get a bit easier... I know that the whole time issue is just something that I am going to have to work out a little better with my husband. He told me when I signed up for this thing that he would help me out with them so I could go out and run.... He seems to have forgoten that conversation now. we will work that out though. The thing I am worried about is what if this dosent get easier... what if I cant go more than a minute after a few weeks without feeling like Im going to keel over. lol. I know that the human body is an amazing thing... even mine.... so Im going to try and trust in that and give it a little time.

Thanks for listening to my vent

~ Jess emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I used to feel that way when I first started running. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not a whole lot better now. But like you I pick a spot, and I run, sometimes I run farther and sometimes well, you the picture. I myself love it. Are you running or jogging? I find if I slow down, and just pace myself I do much better. good luck with the 5k. I'm proud of you for taking that step. I say I want to but have yet to do it. keep me posted on how your doing.
    2973 days ago
    You did great!!

    It hard....being a mother, wife, co-worker, so on..so forth.

    I think its amazing how lucky our men are to have us in there life!! haha

    Your doing a amazing...and keep it up...you really are an inspiration to me!! I read your blogs when I can catch them and you truly are an amazing women.

    Your Spark Friend
    2974 days ago
    I know you find it hard to believe now but it does get easier. I can't tell you when because everyone is different but it will happen. You have to tell yourself that you can do it, encourage yourself, and it will come. When I started I seriously thought I would die after a minute or two but now I can run for 45 minutes. The first few minutes of each run are the worst for me then I can get in my groove. I certainly wouldn't say I love to run, but I don't hate it anymore and that is a step in the right direction.

    I am sorry that your husband has not been as supportive as you need him to be. I have four kids and I have to tell you that you are a patient woman because if that was my husband on the computer while one of our kids were having a fit and he had promised to help out more......well, let's just say I wouldn't have been as accommodating as you were.

    Give it time, it will happen I promise.

    emoticon emoticon
    2974 days ago
    I was an addicted raider and my husband enabled me for YEARS to be able to get home, log on at 5:30pm and raid until after he went to sleep

    -yes I had guilt about this but.. dammit.. raiding was important and I was an officer and we might get a first kill and if I don't show up who is going to get the DKP because the other dkp officer is out of the country, AGAIN, and I have a new mage applicant I have to get up to speed and .. er... good god, wth was I thinking. I did eventually leave the game, partially because I discovered I didn't have time to work out AND get to raids by 5:30 pm and after months at 184 pounds the weight issue eventually became more important than the raiding. Partially it was that my husband quit and I just couldn't keep justifying letting him do all the work of feeding us.

    Anyway, I say all this simply because I know and understand how difficult it might be to negotiate that time for yourself with an addicted raider as a spouse. Everquest was, for YEARS, very central to who I was (so yeah when I left I was the #1 magician in the game. period. in the world. I don't regret playing the game but good god did it suck up my life.). Hopefully your spouse is not as addicted as I was.

    I suggest maybe a concrete task anchored in time (at the beginning of the night before raids start). Like make a deal that he has to cook dinner half the nights (during which time you get out and exercise, and he gets to raids late) or that he has to spend 30 minutes reading the kids books before the sun goes down. Something concrete like that would have worked better for me than just a promise to "support" my spouse if he had needed time. If his guild works anything like mine did there are always some people who cant get there when raids start and usually they are cut some slack if it's a work or family reason. Hopefully his guild is less hard core than what I was doing though!

    Anyway, on to the running thing, I just finished week 2 of C25k and it definitely is getting different. Now, I'm not going to claim that it was really killing me to begin with, but my last one (week 2 day three) I actually RAN instead of just jogging on I think run #5. Anyway it does seem to be getting more "funnish" and less horrid, so keep with it a bit!

    Sorry if this is TMI but I really relate to both these issues, obviously. emoticon

    By the way, if you cant tell, sparkpeople, health-TV and articles are the new Everquest.. ;)
    2975 days ago
    You did great just getting out during all that for the time you had and you should feel proud of that accomplishment! Hubby should be supporting you and maybe map that time out better for the rest of the week? Plan ahead with him on it, write it down on a calendar so he can't claim the "I don't remember that convo" card and no matter what be proud of what you can do!

    I can't run anymore myself, and I wish I had your feet! Good luck with your future running! emoticon
    2975 days ago
    I think you did a wonderful job with just getting out for a bit! It just goes to show how life can get into the middle of our plans. You are doing great and applaud you!


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    2975 days ago
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