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Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's been a while since I wrote a blog entry. Fred was diagnosed with esophagal cancer in Sept. 2008 and after that, life became one big rollercoaster ride. Hope, fear, invasive surgery, several bouts of pneumonia, treatments, stopping treatments. Hospital in, hospital out. He died at home on April 6, 2010, with me sitting next to him. We spent the last months grieving together and talking about my future but also just enjoying life, our children, our families. We travelled some and tried to create good memories for our children in spite of his illness. Fred had the attitude that even if there were only 5-10 "fun" minutes each day, life was worth it.

Both my husband and I worried more about what the cancer would do with him than his actually dying. We are Christians and know that he is now with his heavenly Father and welcomed with open arms. He died peacefully with a smile on his face. This has given us great comfort, but seeing my strong, never sick husband with an athlete's condition deteriorate has been hard. Before his illness, people thought he was much younger than he was. At the end of his life, he weighed 40 kg. (down from 76; from 168 lbs. to abt. 88), was practically blind and had trouble walking. He had become an old man, and he hated this and the dependency on me. Although I was glad to be there for him, it was hard to see him like this.

We were surrounded by great family and friends who were there for us, both for him and me, as well as for our children. This support was incredible and priceless.

One thing that showed me how SparkPeople has affected my life is that during this period, while I had some really bad days in terms of eating, I did not gain any weight and my diabetes remained stable. In the past my weight would have mushroomed, causing me more despair than I was already feeling. I am getting back on the SP wagon, to pick up losing weight and being conscious about exercise, esp. by tracking food. But mostly just to take care of myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I dropped by to meet the woman that made my day a little happier. I am so glad I did. What a wonderful couple you to made! emoticon . It makes me think of my favorite grandparents. They were wonderful people and now gather with the heavenly family. emoticon

    I am proud to have met someone like you. You seem so strong and kind. May GOD bless you and carve you into HIS hands for safe keeping. emoticon

    Anne Sylvia emoticon
    2772 days ago
    This is really strange for me because I had a brother that died at the age of 32 with this exact cancer your Fred had!This type of cancer runs in my family badly. I had an uncle to pass away with it this year! Your husband died a day before my birthday which makes me sad! I know what you went through somewhat! I was with my brother until he passed! At first he was taken to Duke University and a surgeon diagnoised him, inserted a feeding tube, and gave him a month to live!

    Doctor's are not God. They do not really know what the future holds. My brother lived 2 years. The feeding tube that the doctor inserted fell out and for awhile he did great! We thought he was coming out of it! He wanted to see his daughter turn 13. A day after her 13th birthday party he died!

    It was one of the worst days of my life!I was the oldest and could not understand why God took him first! I can not imagine your grief!

    I feel we have a lot in common. I am also diabetic and have parents that are struggling with heart conditions because of this disease. I am here at SP because of this! I know what my future holds somewhat if I do not get a grip on this disease!

    I am so sorry about your husband! Fred seemed to be a wonderful man and so was my brother William! Thank God we can both say that they are with there heavenly father! Who knows they might even be together looking down on us saying "They finally met each other!" emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2914 days ago
    You are a very brave woman, and may you get comfort in knowing that he is not suffering anymore, It is so very hard on us who are left behind. Maru
    2925 days ago
    God bless you and comfort your heart.
    2929 days ago
    I am so sad for you. Even though you know he is in heaven you will still miss him and the life you had together. I am happy for you in that you did not gain. Remember the good times.
    2930 days ago
    I think it was George Fox who said something to the effect of, "Death cannot separate those who truly love. That which never dies cannot be killed."

    It sounds like you and your husband were really there for each other during his illness. What a gift of love that was! And I'm glad he died at home, with you by his side. You were a good wife to him, and you made a huge difference in his life.

    I'm very impressed that you didn't try to cope with the stress and grief by eating! I would have, but that's something about myself I'm trying to change. To see that you have effected that change in your life gives me hope that I can do it too.

    I'm holding you and your family in the Light!
    2931 days ago
  • EMTGIRL352
    Wow, you have been through so much!! It's great that you have such great friends and family to help you through this difficult time. You have a long road ahead of you. Take care of yourself!

    2931 days ago
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