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Losing Momentum and a Bit of Sanity

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Sometimes we hit walls. Sometimes they are seemingly every time we turn around. One moment we are flying high, and the next, someone has taken their kite and wrapped it around our wings, dragging us to the dirt. I keep trying to look on the brighter side, but it just keeps happening. So I thought the best way to deal with it all might be a blog since I can feel my steam dissipating.

If you read my blogs, you know that my b.f, R., had a mental/psychotic breakdown most likely resulting from his mix of drugs colliding with his chemo drugs. Chemo with a loved one is hard enough, but I was just spent. Emotionally exhausted I push on, but this is a step backwards and really really difficult. Essentially, this is Wall 1 because it stands in the way of progress for him and our relationship, and I don't know if or when it will happen again.

Then there is the whole give up my dream of teaching in the classroom for however how long thanks to the budget crisis in California. I worked really hard at something, got really good at it, and that big emotional and slight financial payoff never happened. Severe disappointment, That was Wall 2.

Then there was that little thing about R. calling me fat for the most part. Not a wall, but ticked me off none the less. (See last blog for that one.) Anyhow, life has just been really hard at times.

The thing that kept me going was knowing that I was still doing something good. Out of all this crap, I was healthier than ever before. It was nice to hear the positive things from people, because the rest of much of what I was dealing with was complete crap. Enter my sister, stage left.

My sister is beautiful. She is 5'8 with long limbs, big eyes and has the model build. Needless to say, the exact opposite of my 5'4 self. And this is after having my niece. I love and adore my sister. Aside from being pretty, she is smart and an extremely talented artist and just scored a full scholarship to her chosen art school next year, where her whole family is moving with her so she can continue her dream. You could say she is the whole package. Sounds great, right? Yeah, well...

My sister, J., calls me on Easter to wish me a Happy Holiday AND to tell me that my brother in laws grandmother (we are close to their family because they sort of took us in when my mom and then my dad died), she asked if I had taken terribly ill because of my facebook picture, the same picture I have on here on my blog profile. And then it starts.

How much have you lost all together now? 56 pounds [pre and post spark]

What size jeans are you wearing now? A 6, to which she replied "so your smaller than me now". And I replied, "only because you have hips".

What is a healthy BMI for your height? About 110 to 145 (she sighed)

And where exactly are you going with this? "Well 145 is far to much and I still have a lot to lose, so I am thinking 120," I say. "120 is too much. I was really too thin at 120," she says. "You are 4 inches taller than me!"

And I hold my breath because I can hear the words in her head. "I think you should stop." Okay so she didn't say it this time, but she has in the past. Instead she says, "Well, we should get together so you can see Jelly Bean [my niece] We can meet half way or something." Ah, the checkup inspection. Nice one, but I can see right through you. I did live with you for over half your life.

See this is how things work in my world. Someone dies or there is a messy family thing, as the older one, I handle it all for the most part. But somewhere along the way her getting married and having a kid somehow gave her qualifications to play "big sister" when she chooses. She makes me seriously nuts sometimes. And she knows I value her opinion and actually listen to her (at times) and she can make me second guess myself, and that ticks me off.

So my sister's issue with my weight loss and R.'s comments about my weight makes me think about throwing in the towel, in a manic I'm done/why bother way. Wall 3 is not there yet, but it is slowly building. And the thing is, that this wall would be the wall I would put there, not one that was placed by circumstance. That means I gave up if that happens. I don't want to do that. But being the people-pleaser that partly got me into weight trouble in the first place, I don't want to disappoint or upset my sister. Bizarre? Absolutely. But it is like an instinct. And then the other side of me pops up and says, what are you going to do? Go back to being the fat sister to please her? That's just stupid. Talk about unhealthy.

So what's my plan? Well coming to the end of this blog I realize I am going to regroup, clear my head, refocus. I am going to see my niece and my sister. I am not going to hide in big clothes to please her for appearances sake. This is the current me. She is going to have to deal with it. I am still overweight and I am not ready to build my own wall and stop myself. It may even be twisted, but I am going to wear my most flattering, casual outfit. I have even been thinking about getting my hair cut, so I may do that before I see her too. It has been a month since I saw her, and thus another size and various inches in places. I might as well get the shock out of the way up front. lol I can't help some things, but I can stop my own sabotage.

Ah, sisterly love! If you stuck around until the end, thanks. I know it was a long one. :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    LOVED it, loved it!!! omg. I think we may have the same sister!! Wow!

    I hoped you looked hot and rocked that visit with your sister.... just sayin..... lol

    Good for you for regrouping and getting focused. This is about YOU!!
    3246 days ago
  • no profile photo ALICEART2010
    I love Oscar Wilde's quotes and this reminds me of one of them:
    "The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about."

    3268 days ago
    OMG I have two beautiful sisters I adore but both are skinny and yada yada...I hated taking pics with me next to them I was always the short um well fat one..But i took one recently and I was still big but realized I was happier and soon will be even lighter.. emoticon .....sorry to hear about your troubles and glad to see you are not letting them get in your way. You are a true inspiration to me and Ia m sure many others out there as well. And by the way your pic on her is gorgeous I do believe there may be a ting of jealousy going on there with your family or if it is like mine they are just terrified of change even positive. emoticon
    3270 days ago
    I don't have a sister, but I certainly have friends who're as close as or closer than any sister could be. I'm so glad that you have her support! I'm really sorry for the rest of the stuff going on in your life, & I pray that your sister's support is what you need right now to help you through. Thankfully she's in your life & is so very, very good to you! :D
    3270 days ago
    I can't speak to any of this because I don't have a sister, but you might want to take a peek at Karen7360's newest blog on power. It's very interesting and might be something you need to hear right now. Hope it helps and emoticon
    3270 days ago
    I'm sorry you're having a tough time lately. I really hope things get better for you. I'm proud of you for not letting anyone stop you from being healthy this time around. That is now just another reason why I think of you as an inspiration. =) I also have gotten comments that were made to make me feel like I shouldn't be taking care of my health. I think it boils down to that they are not yet comfortable with the changes in me and worry I might go overboard. But I'm not starving or making myself sick, or doing any of those negative things to lose weight.

    I know they might want what is best for me but they don't know what is best for me. That is for me to decide and for them to accept. They have to trust my judgment and if they cannot, oh well. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or value their opinion, you HAVE to value your own more so. That is something I've been learning myself over the last six months and I am happier for it. I am finally starting to live and think for myself. I'm finding Amy again and I think she is a pretty awesome girl. =)

    :hugs: Love ya, chica! Hold your head high when you see your sister. You're beautiful and are doing a fab job! Don't doubt it for a second longer.
    3270 days ago
    Sounds like you've realized that, ultimately, you are doing this for yourself, and that's a positive thing---for yourself *and* your loved ones. After all, what do we want for those we love? Happiness and fulfillment. When your sister understands that you are vibrantly and healthily pursuing your goals (and finding satisfaction in doing so), she should stop worrying.

    In any case, you've been an inspiration to, I'm sure, many Sparklers (including myself). We're cheering you on. emoticon
    3271 days ago
    I have two sisters, one is approximately the same weight, and one is slightly more. They all make rude comments about how selfish I am to work out during the day, or if I get a sitter for Zumba... it's the END OF THE WORLD. But, they both started weight watchers a couple of weeks ago, and now it's a secret race to see who can look skinnier than me and not DARE give me one second to be the skinny sister. I still have a hard time controlling my calories, so they aren't "concerned" for me... but they are both new moms and jealous of my time working out or at the gym.

    I think in your case, you are going in the right direction. Meet your sister and hear what she has to say. Once she hears about your days at spin and nights counting calories, she'll realize that you're not puking or starving, and that you deserve your new body!

    3272 days ago
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