Losing Momentum and a Bit of Sanity
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Sometimes we hit walls. Sometimes they are seemingly every time we turn around. One moment we are flying high, and the next, someone has taken their kite and wrapped it around our wings, dragging us to the dirt. I keep trying to look on the brighter side, but it just keeps happening. So I thought the best way to deal with it all might be a blog since I can feel my steam dissipating.
If you read my blogs, you know that my b.f, R., had a mental/psychotic breakdown most likely resulting from his mix of drugs colliding with his chemo drugs. Chemo with a loved one is hard enough, but I was just spent. Emotionally exhausted I push on, but this is a step backwards and really really difficult. Essentially, this is Wall 1 because it stands in the way of progress for him and our relationship, and I don't know if or when it will happen again.
Then there is the whole give up my dream of teaching in the classroom for however how long thanks to the budget crisis in California. I worked really hard at something, got really good at it, and that big emotional and slight financial payoff never happened. Severe disappointment, That was Wall 2.
Then there was that little thing about R. calling me fat for the most part. Not a wall, but ticked me off none the less. (See last blog for that one.) Anyhow, life has just been really hard at times.
The thing that kept me going was knowing that I was still doing something good. Out of all this crap, I was healthier than ever before. It was nice to hear the positive things from people, because the rest of much of what I was dealing with was complete crap. Enter my sister, stage left.
My sister is beautiful. She is 5'8 with long limbs, big eyes and has the model build. Needless to say, the exact opposite of my 5'4 self. And this is after having my niece. I love and adore my sister. Aside from being pretty, she is smart and an extremely talented artist and just scored a full scholarship to her chosen art school next year, where her whole family is moving with her so she can continue her dream. You could say she is the whole package. Sounds great, right? Yeah, well...
My sister, J., calls me on Easter to wish me a Happy Holiday AND to tell me that my brother in laws grandmother (we are close to their family because they sort of took us in when my mom and then my dad died), she asked if I had taken terribly ill because of my facebook picture, the same picture I have on here on my blog profile. And then it starts.
How much have you lost all together now? 56 pounds [pre and post spark]
What size jeans are you wearing now? A 6, to which she replied "so your smaller than me now". And I replied, "only because you have hips".
What is a healthy BMI for your height? About 110 to 145 (she sighed)
And where exactly are you going with this? "Well 145 is far to much and I still have a lot to lose, so I am thinking 120," I say. "120 is too much. I was really too thin at 120," she says. "You are 4 inches taller than me!"
And I hold my breath because I can hear the words in her head. "I think you should stop." Okay so she didn't say it this time, but she has in the past. Instead she says, "Well, we should get together so you can see Jelly Bean [my niece] We can meet half way or something." Ah, the checkup inspection. Nice one, but I can see right through you. I did live with you for over half your life.
See this is how things work in my world. Someone dies or there is a messy family thing, as the older one, I handle it all for the most part. But somewhere along the way her getting married and having a kid somehow gave her qualifications to play "big sister" when she chooses. She makes me seriously nuts sometimes. And she knows I value her opinion and actually listen to her (at times) and she can make me second guess myself, and that ticks me off.
So my sister's issue with my weight loss and R.'s comments about my weight makes me think about throwing in the towel, in a manic I'm done/why bother way. Wall 3 is not there yet, but it is slowly building. And the thing is, that this wall would be the wall I would put there, not one that was placed by circumstance. That means I gave up if that happens. I don't want to do that. But being the people-pleaser that partly got me into weight trouble in the first place, I don't want to disappoint or upset my sister. Bizarre? Absolutely. But it is like an instinct. And then the other side of me pops up and says, what are you going to do? Go back to being the fat sister to please her? That's just stupid. Talk about unhealthy.
So what's my plan? Well coming to the end of this blog I realize I am going to regroup, clear my head, refocus. I am going to see my niece and my sister. I am not going to hide in big clothes to please her for appearances sake. This is the current me. She is going to have to deal with it. I am still overweight and I am not ready to build my own wall and stop myself. It may even be twisted, but I am going to wear my most flattering, casual outfit. I have even been thinking about getting my hair cut, so I may do that before I see her too. It has been a month since I saw her, and thus another size and various inches in places. I might as well get the shock out of the way up front. lol I can't help some things, but I can stop my own sabotage.
Ah, sisterly love! If you stuck around until the end, thanks. I know it was a long one. :)