Saturday, April 03, 2010
Why am I not motivated?. I am in such a slump, I am not motivated to pray and do my bible study, I am not motivated to do my school work(even though I can not fail this semester), I am not motivated to clean my house, I am not motivated to exercise. I just feel like I am in this rut, and I need to get out of it. I don't need therapy or any psychiatric help because I already know what the outcome will be and what I will be advised to do. I think I know what the problem is, I lack motivation and I may even be a lil on the lazy side. Ok so the question arises, why am I so lazy, I have absolutely no energy. I really need some energy and I know people say when you exercise you get energy, I never feel that way I just wanna sleep when I exercise.
I have spent so much money on exercise equipment that is taking up a lot of space in my room, 75cm ball, 25cm ball, 3different resistance tubes, a trampoline with resistant tubes, a jump rope (with weights), a pair of 5lb weights, and an ab thing from back in the day. To make matters worse the complex i live in the gym is right by my door....I will post a picture later. So what is my problem really, and lately I have been so forgetful, like if I plan on or decide to do something (unless I write it down) I forget until after the fact. Oh and i have also bought a lot of exercise clothing (very cheap though).
School, I am taking my final 12 credits to get my AAS and I am doing badly in 3 of my 4 classes. You would think that I would be on fire because this is it, but no I am not doing well at all. I really want to do well but i just feel especially this semester that I am NOT good enough. I suck as a student and also lately as an employee. I am doing Hospitality management and I think (I am just realising this as I type), that I have so much self doubt, and wonder how i can be a manager over anyone that I am self sabotaging. Maybe that is why i do not exercise because even though all my sparkies have motivated me I think that I will never look as good or manage to lose the weight. I never realised until now that I do not like myself, or rather who I am. To the world, as a single parent working full time and going to school full time I want to be seen as perfect but I have internal and external turmoil, my home is upside down, my school work is lagging behind and things seem like they are just ready to fall apart.
I do not know why I have been feeling this way lately, but i do know that i feel a lot better that I have gotten it off my chest. I am flawed but I want to do better only because I have 3 precious little angels that will benefit from a positive influence in their life. There is no day off from them so I have to be the best that I can be in order to be there for them even if its not verbal.
This has been therapeutic but I feel like I am just out there exposed ready for the world to judge and dissect me. I do know that I will accept help and criticism well if anyone has any ideas to offer, i know i am so done and I want outta this slump.