I'm going to come across really heartless here...

Monday, November 06, 2006

This is something I battle with every now and then, which arises over the silliest little things.

My marriage wasn't a happy one at the time hb had his accident, we both admit quite openly we wouldn't be together now if it hadn't happened.

The trouble is, I often worry that we are only together now because he is afraid to have to cope without me and I feel too sorry for him to make him have to.

I care deeply for him, but I really don't see that much in him that I particularly like any more...especially given the changes in his attitude since the accident.

There is so much he could do to make his life better, but he chooses instead to sit around moping about how crap everything is and how people owe it to him to make up for his accident.

As a short background, his employers were prosecuted for unsafe working practices following his accident, their insurers are financing treatments that we can't get on the nhs and pay for little things from time to time that make life easier, like an electric bed and a treadmill.

This course he needs is a great case in point....he found one that is a homestudy course, but they won't fund it because they think he needs to be out meeting people. The college we visited the other day wouldn't cost the insurers anything, as it is government funded. His attitude, they should pay for the other course...they owe him that much at least.

It was suggested to him by a specialist that he should go to our local Leisure Centre for an assessment by a trainer so he could get a program to help his recovery....attitude, he shouldn't have to pay for that, the insurers should.

He sits around doing nothing all the time, because to do anything takes such an effort....hey, that's life!!
Even going out, like at the beach yesterday...he sits in the car with his laptop whilst the girls and I went rock-pooling and playing on the beach.

The main problem is this...I can see how his negativity is affecting the whole family. Not so much me, because I can meditate it away, but certainly the girls. Pretty much all of their behaviour etc stems from something Bob says or does....even the dog is on edge through it!

Things will be going great for a while, then he'll get a stress on over something and everyone is cagey and snappy with each other.

It has gotten to the point where I was thinking this morning about how much of the kids' stuff would fit in the car to take them to my mum's for a while.

I don't know that I would do that, I worry too much about how he'd cope without me, but I was thinking whilst ironing about how I'd word it to tell him I was going.

I am pretty sure he would take all his pills the moment I that a good reason to stay, though?

I am sure that once we recieve a settlement and can close the door on this part of our lives, he will get a little better, but then I feel so mercenary, like I am sticking around for the payout.

In all honesty, if they offered anything tomorrow, I would take it just to be able to say "there, it happened, now let's move forwards"...part of me thinks he'd still be just the same, though!

My journey here is all about making changes, changes which will make my life just really doesn't seem to me that he wants a better life.
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